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By Phil
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25 September 2007 |
Before I get a Scottish Fatwah (pun intended) I claim immunity. I'm overweight, but blame my Celtic roots - fat gits.
Alex Salmond, Scottish First Minister, was today celebrating Scotland's rise up the international fatty scale. Scotland is now rated as second most obese nation on the planet, ranking one behind the Americans.
‘With tax breaks on Mars Bars and batter mix, we hope to top the table within the year,' Salmond told reporters gathered outside the SNP chippy. ‘Those English bastards stand no chance with their lettuce eating, fruit juice drinking, namby-pamby habits.'
Gordon Brown sought to distance himself from Scotland's latest accolade, saying: ‘I'm all for a united union of home countries and hope The English, Welsh and Northern Irish can soon emulate Scotland's proud tradition of deep fried cuisine.'
The government has been quick to react to the news, appointing well know lard arse, John Prescott, as Fat Tzar. Nottingham house wife, Jane Bottleblonde, was delighted with the news. ‘I always had a soft-spot for that lazy, fat, gobshite.'
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Written by andybyers (176 comments posted) 25th September 2007 | Gordon Brown sought to distance himself from Scotland's latest accolade
Being PM and staying in London, it's hard to imagine him distancing himself any further without getting a job in Paris.  |
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 25th September 2007 | Andy: a little back ground. You may not know, Brown himself is Scottish - of sorts. He dropped a clanger a while back, appearing to prefer England to Scotland for 2018 World Cup football hosts. He's not well liked by Scottish nationalists for this and quite a few other things.
I just can't stand the little intakes of breath he sucks in, mid sentence, when he speaks.
Thanks for reading.
Phil. | Glasgow Kiss
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3449 comments posted) 25th September 2007 | It’s weird when you listen to Brown he seems to distance himself from everything .He espouses causes with [what Joseph Heller called] "that fierce brand of crusading inertia". It’s just the perfect phrase for him.
Fat Tzar!!! well it’s just the sort of spin-driven nonsense that Labour would come up with. Mind you, who better than the ethically challenged Prezza to do the job?
I can just imagine him lecturing the good folk of Maryhill on the dangers of trans-fatty acids from the safety of Westminster village, at the same time stuffing his face with a Ginsters meat pie.
That man has no shame or idea how ridiculous he is.
Fat Tzar, it’s a job made in heaven, I think we’re into irony overload here.
Excellent bit of non news and right on the money, though I don’t fancy your chances. I’ve taken a pop at the Pope, Prezza, and the Muslims but I draw the line at the Scots. I keep well clear. You’ll get a Glasgow kiss from Oli for sure
Any last requests?
Jane
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Written by andybyers (176 comments posted) 25th September 2007 | Knew Brown was Scottish; didn't know he sucked. Mid-sentence, that is.
I HAVE known, since at least 2003, that Tony Blair sucked, though. |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 26th September 2007 | | Yup, I noticed there are many fat Scots when I visited their country, and they're relatively short too, so I felt right at home there. But it suits them: Can you imagine a skinny guy in a kilt or a tartan? | HI Phil
Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 26th September 2007 | | I enjoyed this. But we Americans are still on top of the scale. |
Written by Livinginanattic (466 comments posted) 27th September 2007 | Of course with Prezza trying to get us to stuff our faces with chips and burgers, everyone will turn to healthy eating and lose weight. America's position at the head of the scale will then be safe.
Great stuff.
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Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 3rd October 2007 | | You omit to mention that Scotland's rise in the obesity league table mysteriously coincides with the rapid upsurge of fat rich English bastards moving into the country. Good stuff and a good laugh, particularly the bit about Prescott, and his groupie from Nottingham. | brass monkeys
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 4th October 2007 |
I think it`s a matter of survival Phil on account of the freezin` weather up there. The more lard on their bellies the better to face the arctic conditions which starts about September and ends in July....Nice piece.
Roger
ps No offence Oli.... |
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