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In a move to ease the suffering of his people, Zimbabwean president and ZANY-BS* Party leader Robert Mugabe has reclaimed the stars "stolen by rich white countries from the oppressed African peoples", and has promised to redistribute them to deserving Zimbabweans.
"Always the white countries have stolen from us," Mugabe told a crowd of anxiously fidgeting people, eager to leave so they could spend the money in their pockets that had plunged 752% in value during the time it took their president to speak that sentence. Mugabe, apparently not caring one blind shit in a hat, continued: "Britain stole from us our lion. Germany stole from us the colour black for their flag. America has stolen from us the stars! I say, enough!" Mugabe told his audience that the Americans had been so arrogant that they had put the image of pilfered stars right on their flag, and furthermore, had then planted it on the moon as the "first step to stealing the future prosperity of Zimbabwe!" Mugabe called on the United States to "give back" the fifty stolen stars, saying he was giving thought to defying the US by dividing up the moon and distributing the land to needy Zimbabwean farmers.
"Great Zimbabwe, I have today reclaimed the stars for you!" Mugabe told his audience, and outlined a plan to give a constellation to each and every Zimbabwean family, including the distribution of stars to white Zimbabweans — though he stressed that this was only so that the stars could be taken back from them and redistributed to black Zimbabweans. His plan included the passing of a law making stars legal currency in Zimbabwe, enabling everyone to simply pay for bread, milk, meat, and other necessities in stars, with Mugabe claiming that this would end poverty and shortages in the country. He ended his speech by declaring telescopes illegal in order to prevent the counterfeiting of constellations, thus preventing the debasement of the economy and a return to the hyperinflation that had seen the Zimbabwean dollar drop 42,786,951.65% in value during the course of his eleven-minute address.
There was a smattering of applause as the crowd melted away, wondering if they would be able to afford a dirt sandwich (sans bread) for dinner tonight. Meanwhile, the rest of the world was left to scratch its head and wonder when the people of Zimbabwe will finally realize that the only celestial phenomenon in their country these days is the total eclipse of Robert Mugabe's sanity.
* ("Bat Shit")
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Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 28th September 2007 | He seems crazy enough to do that.
I wonder why the international community seems to care so little about that country. It may not be very powerful, but its leader seems to me a lot more dangerous and unpredictable than that of certain other countries the West is terribly affraid of. |
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 28th September 2007 | No oil, no threat of bomb. Therefore, West doesn't give a flying f***. You can bet if the carpet-chewing looney struck gas on Monday, the Yanks would be there by Tuesday, spreading democracy and divying out oil wells to cousins of George W B. Long live democracy - hurrah!
Phil
Enjoyed the piece BTW. |
Written by andybyers (170 comments posted) 28th September 2007 | | LOL! Hear hear, Phil. Well said; ain't it the truth... on all scores. |
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