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Poetry


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Till death us do part

By Herbert

31 August 2005

The outstretched hand
lay lifeless and bare
Woven through the fingers
was a lock of hair

Golden lengths
shimmering in the light
Still shimmering
as day led to night

The stars shone above
bright, so bright
The lifeless hand
still, in the night

Mist encompassed
the hand and the hair
Forming droplets of water
hanging in the air

The hand moves
and releases the lock
it falls to the ground
and lays next to a rock

It's cold,
he whispers into her ear
She smiles
as he pulls her near

The outstretched hand
lay lifeless and bare
Woven through the fingers
was a lock of hair

Reviews

Reads well...
Written by richard (88 comments posted) 31st August 2005

Reads well - language is really good - good rhythm to it. Quite spooky as well. Not sure I understand it - but it gave an atmosphere and an emotion...which has to be good.

Two specific thoughts:

1. "Forming droplets of water..." this line felt clumsy in comparison to the rest - it stuck out a bit - not sure why.

2. Wonder whether last stanza could be "Her outstretched..." rather than "The". (Actually as I was reading it I wondered whether it might be have mor eimpact if it was "Her" throughout rather than the impersonal "The." - but then again I may have missed the point.

Enjoyed reading it.

Any help?

Richard

Written by Herbert (1 comments posted) 1st September 2005

I agree...it is a little clumsy, but I couldn't think of anything at the time. I should have spent more than 5 minutes on it I suppose.

As to not having a He/She Him/Her scenario...I wanted it to read so you weren't sure whether it was male or female.

Also the poem is about 2 dead people. They were together in life and together in death. It comes from the death of my Nanna 6 months back. It was to sort of show that although one is alive and the other dead, they are still together. If that makes sense

Written by bloodange77 (38 comments posted) 18th March 2006

I on the other hand, I don't agree!

It fit together very well. it created sadness to me like someone had just died. I loved it. it was a really good read. :grin

DON'T critizise your own writing it's not healthy. You did just fine. MERDE!!!!!!!!! (French)

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