This is the start of a novel that I am attempting to write. It is based on crystals. You may not know much about them but I love them and couldn't resist using them in my first piece of work to share with you all!
Prologue
A figure was crouching in an alley - way.
The darkness hid her well, but the cold winds were whipping her face furiously. A full moon was clearly visible in the midnight sky.
A soft green glow appeared in front of her face.
“Professor?” she whispered as loud as she dared.
“Obsidian, I am here with you. Now I hope my teaching has prepared you well. It all depends on the moment. You know what I mean, I trust?” his voice spoke, though she could not see him.
“Yes, of course I do. You didn’t teach me for five years for nothing!”
His voice seemed to chuckle. “You still have your self belief under pressure, Obsidian. Goodbye for now,”
Before Obsidian could utter another word the glow has disappeared and his voice had gone with it.
She sensed the moment was arriving sooner than she had expected.
She reached into her right coat pocket and drew out her stone. This wasn’t just a stone, this was a crystal. An obsidian. She used her crystal’s name as her own.
She often looked at her stone. Admiring it’s beauty and feeling it’s warmth over and over again. This obsidian was completely black. No other colour on it. There were no scratches on it’s smooth surface.
Then two glows appeared, soaring through the sky, one a pale pink the other purple. Obsidian hurled her stone into the air, between the two glows, which were close to crashing into each other. The obsidian was motionless, the glows were also still, either side of the obsidian’s black glow.
For what seemed like an eternity the glows were there, right above Obsidian’s head. Then, the obsidian started to fall back down towards it’s owner. She caught it and replaced it back in her coat pocket.
The remaining glows then shot back, like they were repelling each other.
“I've done it!” she said to herself, breathless. “I’ve delayed the Crystal War!”
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The Crystal War
Written by obsidian_amethyst (44 comments posted) 29th September 2007 | | I would really love to hear your comments. I am looking forward to continuing with this one. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 1st October 2007 | Okay, first let’s get the pedantry out of the way.
Obsidian isn’t a crystal, but rather volcanic glass produced when felsic lava erupts, cools rapidly and freezes without sufficient time for crystal growth.
Obsidian is mineral-like, but not a true mineral because it is not crystalline. It is sometimes classified as a mineraloid.
So, if this is a serious attempt at a novel about the crystal wars, you might want to reconsider the name of your heroine.
Onto the prologue.
Very choppy - lots of short, sharp statements.
‘A full moon was clearly visible in the midnight sky. A soft green glow appeared in front of her face.’
You begin with 'A figure crouching in an alley - way (alleyway)’ but very shortly after you inform us that it’s HER, so as the mystery is so quickly removed, why not tell us who she is from the start?
*
Obsidian crouches in the alleyway, hidden by darkness. Cold winds whip at her face, the full moon clearly visible in the midnight sky.
“Professor?” she whispers as loud as she dare, as a soft green glow appears in front of her face.
“Obsidian, I am here,” replies the amorphous radiance. “I trust that my teachings have prepared you well, it all depends on the moment. I trust that you understand?”
*
You could replace many of the full stops with commas to help the piece flow better. E.G.
'She sensed the moment was arriving sooner than she had expected. She reached into her right coat pocket and drew out her stone. This wasn’t just a stone, this was a crystal. An obsidian. She used her crystal’s name as her own'.
This could instead read:
She sensed the moment was arriving sooner than she had expected and reached into her coat pocket to draw out her stone. This wasn’t just any stone, it was a crystal, an obsidian, she used her crystal’s name as her own. (Except, of course, that it isn’t a crystal, it’s a piece of glass).
And again, you could remove full stops here:
'She often looked at her stone. Admiring it’s(its) beauty and feeling it’s(its) warmth over and over again. This obsidian was completely black. No other colour on it. There were no scratches on it’s(its) smooth surface'.
Or:
She often looked at her stone, admiring its beauty and feeling it’s warmth over and over again. This obsidian was completely black, no other colour on it, and no scratches on its smooth surface.
Grammatical error:
‘Before Obsidian could utter another word the glow has disappeared and his voice had gone with it‘.
You can’t have has and had in the same sentence, it’s a present tense and past tense clash.
As it is, you don’t need has and had, anyway.
“Before Obsidian could utter another word the glow disappeared, his voice with it”.
Etc, etc.
I would suggest that before you write any more, that you should do some research on obsidian and if you still decide to use the name, then polish your prologue.
Hope this helps, all the best,
Steve.
| Your mind's eye
Written by ianhobsonuk (160 comments posted) 19th October 2007 | I agree: Very choppy - lots of short, sharp statements. I feel that in your mind's eye there is a lot that you are not sharing with the reader. A prologue needs to be really good, to make people want to read more.
Have you written any short stories? If not, write some and then take note of the reviews, it's a good way to hone your writing skills.
Ian
Guiseley, UK |
Written by Aurora (56 comments posted) 7th May 2008 | I think you have a lot of ideas and I would like to read anymore you have written. Crystals are an interesting subject you should read the "Dark Visions" trilogy written by L.J.Smith (my favorite author of teen fiction) it is a really well written story involving powerful crystals and may help you with some ideas and how to lay them out.
The piece above has a good skeleton but just because it is a prologue dosen't mean it has to be short (read the prologue for the fellowship of the rings it goes on for pages and pages!)
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Written by Aurora (56 comments posted) 7th May 2008 | also, see your doing something I did a lot when I started to write, your taking the reader from A to C without spending the time to relate, describe and explain B!
With this as an example I would like to maybe first have an overview of what the crystal wars are (it's hard to care about someone delaying something we have no knowledge of.) the whole section I think could do with padding out. I agree with what stevetroster says about not using too approaches to the characters introduction, You could either keep the whole prologue in the overhead view of whats going on eg A woman hiding in an alley way held a crystal in her hand. she... this may help to keep a little mystery or you may decide to try an engage the reader with the character straight away eg. obsidian crouched low in the alleyway, holding a crystal...
I'm not sure if the main character should be called the same name as the important crystal. I realist your trying to shoe a direct relationships between the two but this could possible become very confusing for the reader.
overall I believe you could have the start of an interesting book, not to mention a good imagination which is the key ingredient for any great writer! Don't lose heart with all the critique, it's a long an bumpy road to success and if you put your all into something and work hard who knows how far you'll get  |
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