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Science Fiction and Fantasy
The Black Mass
By galacon
02 October 2007
Here is just a short little narrative that i typed up a few days ago. Its a good standalone piece but i could write more of it.

   From behind the highest steeples of the cathedral the moon peeked out and cast elegant silver rays of light into the courtyard. In the courtyard Cherry Blossoms swayed sadly and pink petals flitted about gently. The cathedral served as a home for any miserable soul that would take it. Cracked buttresses held up the delicate structure and the bases of these poor supports were plagued with spider vines that had long since died. Patches of the roof were missing, and on the floor the shattered shingles could be found scattered around rotting pews. The long since deteriorated leather seating had been completely over run by brown, putrid mold. There were jagged holes in the stained glass windows. The floor was decorated with silver spotlights like a ballroom dance-floor. High above, scraggly bats went shrieking into the cold, clear night. Amidst all the darkness and destitution, a faint light illuminated an obscure lump of rock that might have been an altar.

   From behind the altar came a rather odd looking man who was ashen gray, his mouth was drawn tight at the corners. The clothes he wore were that of a Priest adorned in black, the cuffs were torn and ragged pieces of cloth fluttered behind him. Faint orange candlelight danced upon his face casting shadows that revealed every wrinkle and edge. He might have been 50 but the look in his ragged eyes suggested an age far beyond that of human capability. In those eyes lay a tired lust as if he had been in pursuit of something unattainable all his life. In his shriveled hands he bore an ancient book whose pages had turned a sickly yellow, and whose cover had been rubbed clean of its fabric face. Satanic symbols had been carved into the border of the cover.

   He brought the book up to rest upon the uneven surface of the disheveled altar. From above a rusty, dingy cage descended on top the man as he recited unintelligible incantations. The man then stopped and shut the book with much reverence.

   He cast his eyes towards the empty pews that confessed no presence of life and in a dry, tortured tone he spoke, “You may rise.”

As if they had been there for the entire service, and had not just risen out of infernal nothingness, row upon row of dark figures had now stood. Hundreds of bright red eyes focused with the utmost of intensity on the caged man. Each eye seemed to be filled with a cannibal lust that was under more influence than even the headiest aphrodisiac.

   Almost simultaneously, a hundred deformed maws opened revealing impressive canine teeth. Within seconds the teeth had grown to nearly twice their original length. Fangs glistened in the peaceful light that seemed to contrast with the lust that hung in the air.

   Out of the crowd stepped a pale young girl with braided pigtails. Miniature canines poked out from underneath her bow lips. Then another older man stepped out followed by a young woman who was pregnant. Sections of her stomach bulged out; perhaps the child to bite it’s way out to get the man?

Soon the entire mass was converging on the caged man. As if he had fallen out of a trance, the man suddenly shuddered violently and backed away from the advancing death. Breeiikkk! The cage jerked slightly towards the ceiling of the cathedral. The last vestiges of safety had slipped away into impenetrable shadows.

   An elderly woman reached him first and seized the panicking man with grotesquely shriveled hands. At her touch he screamed as if possessed by a hellish demon. Her mouth opened as wide as an anaconda’s and then brought her teeth to his neck. Her teeth punctured his throbbing artery. He let out one last bloody, hysterical shriek, and his arms flailed wildly at the air. His eyes rolled backwards into his head. Blood cascaded down his neck and stained his soiled collar a crimson red. His movements became sluggish and slow ‘til he moved no more. The elderly woman who was feasting on him let his limp body fall to the ground with a muffled thump. Frozen on his face was an expression of unspeakable horror. The woman threw her head back and let out a deep, throaty moan that tapped into the deepest wells of inhuman passion and contentment.

   Bloated clouds rolled along in the sky and hid the moon’s indifferent gaze. The entire chamber of the cathedral went pitch black as the patches of moonlight were snuffed. When the clouds finally parted and the moon shone brilliantly again, there was not a soul to be seen.

   Not a breath to be drawn.

   Not a witness to bear.

   All that was left was the holy man bathed in a pool of silver and red. His feeble body alone served as a testament to the animal passion of the children of the night.

Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1398 comments posted) 2nd October 2007
Before I write my review, there’s a question that I must ask you. “Its a good standalone piece.” 
In whose opinion? 
 
I don’t wish to seem rude, but this is not a good stand alone piece as it has grammatical issues and suffers from a serious problem of over elaboration, to the point where even the bats couldn’t be just bats, but had to be scraggly bats.  
 
Typo’s first: mold (mould) - ashen gray (grey) - shriveled (shrivelled) x 2 - disheveled (dishevelled).  
 
An example of the over elaboration of ‘pretty’ words: 
 
From behind the highest steeples of the cathedral the moon (peeked out) and cast (elegant silver) rays of light into (should be ‘onto’) the courtyard. In the courtyard Cherry Blossoms (swayed sadly) and (pink petals flitted about gently). 
Why is cherry blossom in capitals? You also mention courtyard twice in the space of four words. 
 
Over elaborating the decay: 
 
(Cracked buttresses) held up the (delicate structure) and the bases of these (poor supports) were plagued with spider vines that had long since died. (Patches of the roof were missing), and on the floor the (shattered shingles) could be found scattered around (rotting pews). The long since (deteriorated leather) etc, etc. 
 
Odd grammatical passages: 
 
‘Amidst all the darkness and destitution.’ How does a cathedral suffer from poverty? 
 
'A faint light illuminated an obscure lump of rock that might have been an altar.  
From behind the altar' (So it is an alter, not ‘might be’). 
 
‘The clothes he wore were that of a Priest adorned in black.’ So he isn’t a priest adorned in black, he just wears the black clothes of a priest? 
 
‘He brought the book up to rest upon the uneven surface of the disheveled altar.’ So what else was on the alter to make it dishevelled, more books? Or is the mention of the uneven surface of the dishevelled alter, just another case of over elaboration? 
 
Missing punctuation, words, and more oddments: 
 
‘From above (comma) a rusty, dingy cage descended on (top - superfluous) the man as he recited unintelligible incantations.’ Dingy cage? Dingy, meaning? 
 
‘Almost simultaneously.’ Why ‘almost’? 
 
‘Fangs glistened in the peaceful light that seemed to contrast with the lust that hung in the air.’ How can glistening fangs contrast with lust?  
 
‘Sections of her stomach bulged out; perhaps the child to bite it’s way out to get the man.’ A missing word or two, perhaps? 
 
‘An elderly woman reached him first and seized the panicking man with grotesquely shriveled hands.’ So it’s the man who has the grotesquely shrivelled hands? 
 
Or did you mean: An elderly woman reached him first and seized the panicking man, with her grotesquely shrivelled hands. Or: An elderly woman was the first to reach the man, seizing him with grotesquely shrivelled hands. 
 
Etc, etc, etc. 
 
“Its a good standalone piece but i could write more of it.” 
 
Well, I’d suggest that you polish this piece before you write any more chapters. 
 

 
From behind the steeple, the moon casts silver light onto the courtyard where cherry blossom sways gently in the night air. The cathedral serves as home to any miserable soul that will take it. This delicate structure is supported by cracked buttresses, the bases of which are plagued with long dead spider vines. Sections of the roof are missing, the shattered shingles lying scattered among the rotting pews.  
 

 
Hope this helps, we are all here to help one another. 
 
All the best, 
Steve. 

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