Standing in the middle of Russell’s tiny little flat was a tiny little man. He was about three foot high, completely hairless and wore a voluminous pair of satin trousers with a patterned waistcoat.

Russell’s eyes flicked between the little man and the new pot he’d bought earlier at a jumble sale. Although he was only going to use it for loose change, it was a bit mucky so he’d given it a polish. Cue smoke, lights and all manner of hullabaloo. The smoke cleared to reveal said tiny little man; a genie.

“A genie?” said Russell.

“That’s right cocker. You rub the lamp… such as it is; I turn up and make all your dreams come true. Which is nice, I think.”

“A genie?” Russell was struggling a bit.

“You know what mate, I’m not sure that maroon is right for this flat. You should try something a little brighter. Now, magnolia would give you the illusion of space in here. Trust me; I know what I’m talking about,” he pointed at the pot.

“A genie?”

“Change the record mate. Yes, I am a genie. Legendary being of almighty mystical power, let’s not go on about it eh?”

The genie flicked through Russell’s extensive CD collection. He held up a Pearl Jam CD.

“Mind if I borrow this?”

“No, hang on. Look. I mean, what’s your name?” asked Russell, gathering himself together.

“Barthazar,” replied the genie, “call me Barry. You?”

“Russell.”

“Russell. Okay. Well Russell, this is all very pleasant isn’t it? But we do need to get on. So, three wishes please, sunshine.”
 
“Three wishes eh?” Russell’s face broke into a smile.

“Good, innit?”

“Alright. You know what? I’ve got one,” said Russell with a laugh.

“Good lad. Come on then, let’s be having you.” Barry bent forward, spat on his palms and rubbed them together.

“Is there life on other planets?” Russell looked expectantly at Barry.

Barry looked back at him with widened eyes. He straightened up.
 
“Mate, do I look like the bleedin’ Oracle?”

“I don’t know, what’s an Oracle?” countered Russell.

“An Oracle is something that has all the knowledge in the-…it doesn’t matter. An Oracle is what I am not. I am a genie; I don’t do questions and answers. Give me a wish.”

There was a silence. They stared at each other for a while and Russell slowly nodded his head in understanding.

“Okay, I know. I wish I could meet life on another planet.”

“Right, now we’re getting somewhere. We’ll need to be a little more specific though.”

“What?”

“Well, there’s an awful lot of planets out there, with an awful lot of life. There’s the Pentagulans, Endricks, Calexicans, the Gosocantines…although it’s shaving season on Gosocanie, and the hair gets everywhere, plays merry hell with my sinuses.”

Russell’s eyes widened, he turned his head reverently towards the ceiling.

“Wow. So there are actually other people in the universe?”

“There are. Now, which of them would you like to meet?”

Russell laughed delightedly.

“Oh right…of course…wow. Well, I don’t know. The first ones?”

“The Pentagulans?”

“Yeah, why not”

“Okay, close your eyes.” Russell did as he was told and felt a gentle pull around his waist and a slight feeling of motion sickness.

When he opened them he found he was staring across a brown, dusty landscape. Directly in front of him were two substantial, spiky bushes known as brinksticks. A shapeless blob of translucent goo hung between them. This is a Pentagulan.

“Barry. It’s a big oyster. I mean, I hope it’s an oyster, either that or something really big has just sneezed.” Said Russell

“No, it’s a big oyster. Well, nearly. It’s a close genetic relative of the oyster,” said Barry.

“Eeep,” said the Pentagulan.

“Bloody hell! So, this is First Contact then is it? What should I say?” 

“I dunno, use your imagination, you think Armstrong had a script when he stepped off Apollo? Actually, scratch that. Bad example.”

Russell spun round.

“Neil Armstrong !? So, what? Did you help him? Were you there? On the moon and everything?”

“Eeep.” Said the Pentagulan.

“Nah, it was my brother-in-law, Keith. He got woken up one day by this pipe-welder from Glasgow called Armstrong. Seems Armstrong had harboured an ambition to be a spaceman since he was a kid and so his first wish was to change places with the lead pilot on that mission. Wish got granted, but he wasn’t the most confident of blokes so his second wish was for something impressive to say when he stepped on to the surface of the moon.”

“Get away. What was his third wish?”

“For the parachute to open.”

“EEEEP!” said the Pentagulan.

“Ere, he’s getting a bit agitated isn’t he? What have you done?” Barry squatted on his haunches and broke a spike off the brinkstick

“Nothing, I still can’t think what to say to it.”

“EEEEEP!” said the Pentagulan.

“Barry, this thing’s getting louder,” Russell was gingerly stepping away now, “What’s its problem?”

Barry was cleaning under his fingernails with the brinkstick spike. He looked Russell up and down. After a little consideration he pointed the spike at Russell’s shoe.

“Right, there’s no easy way to say this, but I believe you’re standing in his uncle.”

Russell looked down and saw that his Converse was covered in goo.”

“EW!” He started to wipe his shoe on the dirt.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEP!”

“What now?” cried Russell.

“Well son, I know that you’re just trying to clean your plimsoll, but to him, it looks like you’re torturing a blood relative. That’s why he’s just started chasing you”

“Chasing me?” He looked at Barry and then back at the Pentagulan. “He hasn’t moved.”

“No, well, not yet. He’s got to grow some more of these brinksticks, then he can fling himself onto them,” he pointed at the two shoots poking out of the ground, “it’s how they move about.”

“Seriously. That’s chasing me?” Russell was incredulous.

“I didn’t say you weren’t in with a chance”

Russell stared at the growing brinksticks for a while, and then let out a long sigh.

“Barry, I think I’d like to call it a day here.”

“Righty-ho, close your eyes.” Russell did so.

When he opened them he was back in his room. He sat in a battered armchair.

“On the whole, Barry, I’m not sure that went terribly well. So much for First Contact.” Russell kicked off his mucky shoes and pulled on another pair of trainers.

“Well, let’s not dwell shall we. Second wish please Russ, if you will.”

Russell ruffled his hair and rubbed his eyes. He looked around the room briefly and his eye lit on a ‘2001:Space Odyssey’ poster.

“Tell you what, what do we end up like? I want to see the human race’s future.”

“Very enlightened young Russell. I tell you, at this point in the proceedings with most people, we’d be knee deep in five pound notes with a half-naked supermodel lolling about. It’s nice to meet someone with a bit of vision.”

Russell considered this for a while, and was about to say something when Barry cut him off.

“Where to then? Or should I say when?”

Russell got back on track.

“I don’t know. Let’s say a hundred years from now.”

“One hundred years it is. Close your eyes.”

Russell complied and again felt the subtle pull on his waist.

When he opened them again he was immediately struck by two things;

First thing, there was a scene of devastation lying before him. To the left a blackened forest smouldered. At the bottom of the hill was rubble, it could either have been a large house or a small village but was too ruined to tell. A flame licked up at the solitary wall that remained upright. The land on the hill was churned and violent, devoid of any grass. It was a grim and brutal scene.

“EEEP!”

That was the second thing.

“Barry, I meant a hundred years in the future on EARTH you tiny great nit. I’ve caused enough trouble on Pentagula.”

“Oi ! Don’t you get lairy with me sunbeam. This IS a hundred years in the future. We’re in exactly the same spot as we were just now. Now belt up and wait here a minute.”

Barry disappeared.

Russell panicked.

“Bar-“ Before he could finish, Barry returned.

“Well, well, well. I’ve just had a poke around,” said Barry.

“And?”

“Yeah,  you’re probably not going to like this. It seems that a rogue Pentagulan was stranded on Earth a few centuries back. After a few years he learnt to slither about without brinksticks and found his way into the ocean. Well, the oysters recognised him as one of their own and took him in. Now, when they found out he’d been mistreated-“

“Oh dear” said Russell, realisation was dawning.

“Quite. Well anyway, the oysters got quite uppity, so using Pentagulan technology they constructed this massive radar out of shells.”

“Radar? Shells?” Russell was incredulous, “but it must have been huge.”

“It was. Couple of miles across as I understand it, built on Antarctica. Took about thirty years to build.”

“Thirty years! Didn’t anyone notice?”

“You’d think so wouldn’t you, but what with Britney Spears being made a Bishop, a ten year long series of ‘24’ set entirely in space and naked Fridays, people have been distracted . Anyway, this radar directed a Pentagulan army to earth and the rest is history…er, future, well, you know.”

“Oh.”

“Oh indeed.”

“It’s the one on my shoes, isn’t it?”

Barry nodded.

They both stood for a while pondering the fate of humanity. Russell also pondered briefly what the conquerors of the human race might taste like. He decided they’d be quite chewy.

“Right then Barry, I think I know my final wish.”

“You’re going to wish that Pentagulan on your shoe was back on his own planet?”

Russell snorted.

“No, I was going to wish for a massive army of mutant killers to kick the snot out of the Pentagulans, but I guess your way works. Come on,” he closed his eyes, “let’s get back home.”

When they arrived, Russell dug out the shoe. The Pentagulan was still attached.
 Barry raised his eyebrows at Russell. Russell nodded solemnly.

The Pentagulan disappeared.

Russell collapsed on the bed with a sigh.

“This probably goes to show something doesn’t it?”

“Probably.”

“Any idea what?”

Barry shrugged.

They sat in silence for a while. Barry stood up with an air of purpose.

“Come on sunbeam, cheer up. I tell you what. I’m so impressed with your attitude, that I’m leaving you with a freebie. Lie down and close your eyes.”

Russell did so. When he opened them again he was looking up at millions of stars where his ceiling had been. There was a huge green ringed planet off to the left and to the right was a swirl of brightly coloured dust that he recognised as another galaxy. A meteoroid flew across the sky. Russell looked up in wonder at his new heavenly vista.

“Crumbs Barry, it’s beautiful.”

They both stared for a while. Russell broke the silence.

“Look mate, don’t think I’m not grateful and that. I am. But, I’m going to need my roof back.”

“You’ve still got your roof you berk, I’ve just painted it magnolia is all.”

“Eh?”

“Gives you the illusion of space. Laters”

The genie disappeared with a barely audible ‘pop’. Russell smiled as he looked up at the stars but despite all he’d seen, he couldn’t help but wish he’d found out more about naked Fridays.