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Science Fiction and Fantasy
The Black Mass (revised)
By galacon
03 October 2007
 This is the new version of The Black Mass. Thanks go to stevefoster for his extremely helpful suggestions. I also take back what I said about it being a good standalone piece. I'm sure that there will still be issues with it. By the way, today is my first day as a member of this great community.

   From behind the steeple, the moon casts silver light onto the courtyard where cherry blossom sways gently in the night air. The cathedral serves as home to any miserable soul that will take it. This delicate structure is supported by cracked buttresses, the bases of which are plagued with withered spider vines. Sections of the roof are missing, the shattered shingles lying scattered among the rotting pews. The now leather seating had been completely over run by brown, putrid mould. There were holes in the stained glass windows. The floor was decorated with silver spotlights like a ballroom dance-floor. High above, bats went shrieking into the cold, clear night. Amidst all the darkness and disarray, a faint light illuminated an obscure lump of rock that served as an altar.

   From behind the lump came a rather odd looking man who was ashen grey, his mouth was drawn tight at the corners. He wore the black clothes of a Priest; the cuffs were torn and ragged pieces of cloth fluttered behind him. Faint orange candlelight danced upon his face casting shadows that revealed every wrinkle and edge. He might have been 50 but the look in his ragged eyes suggested an age far beyond that of human capacity. In those eyes lay a tired lust as if he had been in pursuit of something unattainable all his life. In his shriveled hands he bore an ancient book whose pages had turned a sickly yellow, and whose cover had been rubbed clean of its fabric face. Satanic symbols had been carved into the border of the cover.

   He brought the book up to rest upon the uneven surface of the rock. From above, a rusty cage descended on the man as he murmured vague incantations. The man then stopped and shut the book with much reverence.

He cast his eyes towards the empty pews that confessed no presence of life and in a dry, tortured tone he spoke, “You may rise.”

As if they had been there for the entire service, and had not just risen out of infernal nothingness, row upon row of dark figures had now stood. Hundreds of bright red eyes focused with the utmost of intensity on the caged man. Each eye seemed to be filled with a cannibal lust that was under more influence than even the most intoxicating drug.

   Simultaneously, a hundred deformed maws opened revealing impressive canine teeth. Within seconds the teeth had grown to nearly twice their original length. Fangs glistened in the moonlight.

Out of the crowd stepped a pale young girl with braided pigtails. Miniature canines poked out from underneath her bow lips. Then another older man stepped out followed by a young woman who was pregnant. Sections of her stomach bulged out; perhaps the child was trying to bite its way out to get the man?

   Soon the entire mass was converging on the caged man. As if he had fallen out of a trance, the man suddenly shuddered violently and backed away from the advancing death. The cage jerked slightly towards the ceiling of the cathedral and then continued its ascent. The last vestiges of safety had slipped away into impenetrable shadows.

   An elderly woman reached him first and seized the panicking man, with her grotesquely shrivelled hands, she held him down. At her touch he screamed as if possessed by a hellish demon. Her mouth opened as wider than an abyss and she brought her teeth to his neck. Her teeth punctured his throbbing artery. He let out one last bloody, piercing shriek, and his arms flailed wildly at the air. His eyes rolled backwards into his head. Blood cascaded down his neck and stained his soiled collar a crimson red. His movements became sluggish and slow until he moved no more. The elderly woman who was feasting on him let his limp body fall to the ground with a muffled thump. Frozen on his face was an expression of unspeakable horror. The woman threw her head back and let out a deep, throaty moan that tapped into the deepest wells of inhuman passion and contentment.

   Bloated clouds rolled along in the sky and hid the moon’s indifferent gaze. The entire chamber of the cathedral went pitch black as the patches of moonlight were snuffed. When the clouds finally parted and the moon shone brilliantly again, there was not a soul to be seen.

   Not a breath to be drawn.

   Not a witness to bear.

   All that was left was the holy man bathed in a pool of silver and red. His feeble body alone served as a testament to the animal passion of the children of the night.

Reviews
Hello again.
Written by stevetroster (1600 comments posted) 3rd October 2007
Thanks for the PM, if I can help in any way, please ask. 
A freshman in High School? Are you American? If so, I apologise for pulling you up over your spelling. Same language, different rules!! Perhaps some info on your profile will help us get to know you. 
 
Re: your rewrite. Having used my edited intro, you now have an issue where you go from present tense to past tense. 
 
‘Sections of the roof (are) missing, the shattered shingles lying scattered among the rotting pews. The leather seating (had) been completely over run.’ 
 
A few other oddities: ‘The now leather seating.’ What is NOW leather?  
 
No need for Priest to be in capitals. 
 
Ancient book. Ancient refers to the Roman, Greek times (a.d.476). Did they have books then? Also, TOME sounds far more gothic than book. 
 
‘The man then stopped and shut the book with much reverence.’ Why MUCH? It sounds a bit Bill & Ted. “It was most tranquil.” 
 
‘He cast his eyes towards the empty pews that confessed no presence of life.’ Empty pews/no presence of life, are you not just repeating the same thing? 
 
This is an untidy passage: ‘As if they had been there for the entire service, and had not just risen out of infernal nothingness, row upon row of dark figures had now stood.’  
If you are trying to convey the message that they appear out of nowhere, then say just that. ‘Rising out of infernal nothingness, row upon row of dark figures now stood.’  
 
‘Hundreds of bright red eyes focused (with the utmost of intensity - superfluous) on the caged man.’ 
‘Each eye seemed to be filled with a cannibal lust that was under more influence than even the most intoxicating drug.’ I don’t understand this, eyes under the influence of drugs?  
 
Simpler to say; ‘Hundreds of bright red eyes focused on the caged man, eyes filled with hunger, with blood lust.’ 
 
‘Simultaneously, a hundred deformed maws opened revealing impressive canine teeth.’ Bill & Ted again, “Your canines are most impressive, dude.” Impressive, is superfluous.  
 
‘Followed by a young woman who was pregnant.’ Followed by a young, pregnant woman. 
 
Sections of her stomach bulged out; perhaps (as though) the child was trying to bite its way out to get the man? The question mark is superfluous, don’t ask questions of your audience. 
‘Her mouth opened (as) wider than an abyss.’ As wide, or, wider than. 
 
‘Her mouth opened as wider than an abyss and she brought her teeth to his neck. Her teeth punctured his throbbing artery.’ Too many teeth in close proximity! 
 
Wider than an abyss? Wider than: 
1. chasm: a chasm or gorge so deep or vast that its extent is not visible  
2. endless space: something that is immeasurably deep or infinite  
3. terrible situation: a situation of apparently unending awfulness  
4. hell: hell thought of as a bottomless pit  
 
Simpler to say: “He let out one last bloody, piercing shriek as she sank her teeth into his neck, puncturing his throbbing artery.’  
 
And do you really need to end with the biggest cliché that horror has to offer?? 
“The children of the night.” 
 
Here is another very quick rewrite of your opening passage where I have endeavoured to retain as many of your own words as possible. I’m not suggesting that this is perfect, I am only a would-be writer myself, but hopefully it might give you some ideas as to where you can tidy up. 
 
** 
 
From behind the steeple, the moon casts silver light onto the courtyard where cherry blossom sways gently in the night air. The ageing cathedral serves as a home to any miserable soul that will have it. 
This delicate structure is supported by cracked buttresses, the bases of which are plagued with withered spider vines. Sections of the roof are missing, the shattered shingles lying scattered among the rotting pews. The leather seating has been overrun by brown, putrid mould and there are sections of the stained glass windows missing, through which the moon casts silver spotlights upon the floor. High above, bats nestle in the rafters, shrieking into the cold night air. Amidst this darkness and decay, the faint light from a solitary candle illuminates a jagged obelisk that serves as an altar.  
A man approaches the alter, looking old, ashen grey, his mouth drawn tight at the corners. He wears the black robes of a priest, yet they too are old, the cuffs ragged and torn, strips of cloth flutter behind him in the chill wind that invades the chapel. 
Candlelight dances upon his face, casting shadows that accentuate every wrinkle and edge. His eyes display lust, a yearning desire to finally attain that which he has pursued his entire life. The look in his ragged eyes suggests an age far greater than his physical years. 
In his shriveled hands he clutches a weathered tome, its pages yellowed by time, satanic symbols etched into the border of the worn, tired binding. As he brings the book to rest upon the uneven surface of the obelisk, the man begins to murmur vague incantations as a rusty cage descends from the rafters to enclose him. He stops reading and; with reverence, closes the book and casts his eyes towards the empty pews, speaking in a dry, tortured tone. “You may rise.”  
 
 
That’s all folks, I have to write some of my own!! 
 
Hope this is of help, all the best, 
Steve. 
 

Written by ianhobsonuk (180 comments posted) 19th October 2007
This is more horror that sci-fi. I agree about the past and present tense thing and most of the other comments from Steve. 
 
As if they had been there for the entire service, and had not just risen out of infernal nothingness, row upon row of dark figures HAD now stood. 
 
To me this line was OK apart from the 'had', though 'risen out of infernal nothingnes' might be better as 'risen from the bowls of the earth.' 
 
Is 'the children of the night' a cliché? It sounded OK to me. 
 
Ian 
Guiseley, UK 

Written by Fledermaus (3492 comments posted) 19th October 2007
Ah, vampires... The most unbelievable of all demons (at least in their post Stoker incarnation). 
Luckily you managed to keep most of the stuff which usually makes them inconsistent out. Your demons were just primitive, bloodthirsty creatures, such as demons should be. 
 
Any objections I might have are with respect to the genre rather than with the way you worked it out. As horror which usually doesn't care too much for accuracy with respect to lore and myth.  
Satan is a biblical figure, who might or might not be the same as the beast, the false prophet or Lucifer (most likely not). The symbols nowadays usually associated with him are in fact symbols of other religions or heresies and have in reality nothing to do with the devil. 
 
As for Steve's remarks: In antiquity they did have books. In Roman times the codex was used alongside the scroll. 
 
Well written and indeed a bit scary. Not the sort of thing I usually enjoy, but a good read. 

Written by stevetroster (1600 comments posted) 19th October 2007
Critiquing a critique!?! 
Maus, I made lots of remarks yet you chose to highlight just the one. 
“As for Steve's remarks: In antiquity they did have books. In Roman times the codex was used alongside the scroll.”  
The codex was indeed invented by the Romans, the term codex being used for books produced from Late Antiquity through to the middle ages. The words used in this story were ANCIENT BOOK, not Late Antiquity Codex. 
Bit of a moot point though, galacon seems to have lost interest whilst you considered it “well written and indeed a bit scary” No offence, galacon, but you need honest constructive reviews if you are going to improve. 
 

Written by Fledermaus (3492 comments posted) 20th October 2007
Hm OK, Steve is probably right. It'd be more useful if I gave useful criticism rather than to burn down the horror genre. So here's a new review ;) 
 
I hadn't seen your profile yet. A freshman in highschool? I thought this was written by someone at least over 16 as your style certainly refects a lot of practice (and reading). 
There is little to comment actually, as it seems to me it flows well enough. There may be many adjetives in some lines, but they all seem to have a function. The only things I could perhaps remark on are: 
 
"the shattered shingles lying scattered". 'Shattered' and 'scattered' rhyme, which creates a funny effect in this phrase, which I guess you didn't intent. 
 
"a rather odd looking man ". You describe him, and he looks odd indeed. No need to tell it beforehand. Perhaps there's also a bit too much telling and too little showing in that description. 
 
NB. (this is a matter of taste and by no means objective) That your vampires are rather primitive is something I do like. Much better than the sophistiated gentleman Dracula I think.

Written by stevetroster (1600 comments posted) 28th October 2007
Ian: "Is 'the children of the night' a cliché?" 
 
Films, books, songs, you name it! 
In fact, when I googled the phrase 'Children of the Night' it came up with 166,000,000 results!!! 
 
All the best, 
Steve.

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