Set of the well known TV cookery programme.

Behind the counter, chefs, the slender Nick Nairn and the enormous Clarissa Dickson-Wright: Harold, 40, trying to look suave in a velvet smoking jacket and jeans; Albert, 70, small and skinny, wearing black Homburg hat and filthy ragged mittens.

Enter Ainsley.

Ainsley:     Hello everybody, and welcome to today’s Ready Steady Cook. Our gourmet challengers are, first of all, the famous rag and bone collector, Harold Steptoe of Oildrum Lane – who’ll be partnered by Nick Nairn. Hello Harold, and what’ve you brought with you?

Harold:     (emptying the plastic bag) Ah, just a few well chosen and delectably simple ingredients.

    Partridge, spinach, Wensleydale cheese, a cauliflower, organic of course;  and (laughs lightly) some potatoes, one does not want to lose ver common element.

Nick:    Lovely, lovely.

Harold:    I trust Nick will be able to conjure up a few horses’ doovers and tayble d’oats out of vat little lot.

Ainsley:     Did you stay within your budget?

Harold:    Well, I did go a teen-sy bit over. Ten pounds fifty, but you have to pay for quality.

Ainsley:     We’ll excuse you this once.

Albert:    Overspending, that’s typical that is. Poofy lot of rubbish!

Ainsley:    Ah yes, well, Albert, of course, you share the premises at Oildrum Lane with Harold, don’t you?

Albert:     Yer, f’what it’s worth. Doesn’t appreciate good cookin’. Yer can slave yer guts out –

Ainsley:    Er, yes, so what have you brought for Clarissa to do her magic?

Albert:    (emptying the bag) Packet of fish fingers, lovely they are, Tesco’s economy brand. Tomato ketchup and a tin of mushy peas. I like to feel ‘em sticking round me gums.

Clarissa:    Well you’ve certainly given me a challenge there Albert. (aside to Ainsley) Hasn’t he brought anything else?

Ainsley:     (sticking desperately to the format) And how much did that cost you Albert?

Albert:    One pound fifty. You said I could keep the change, so I did. (lifts a flat bottle of rum half out of his jacket pocket, grins, and quickly slips it back again. Brings out another bottle from the other pocket.)  But I brung along some of our special.

Clarissa:     (hopefully) Special?

Albert:    Save it from all the bottles we collect. Matured for over three years this is. Knock yer socks off.

Clarissa:    (sniffs the contents and reels)

Albert:    We keep it in the drawer, with the mittens and scarves f’ winter.  I s’pose it does pick up the smell of the mothballs.

Ainsley:    Well chefs, what are you going to make from our guests’ ingredients? (hurriedly, worried about Clarissa who is staggering) Er – Nick?

Nick:    Well I think we should do a Wensleydale rarebit; we’ll roast the partridge and make a nice garlic jus;  wilt the spinach with a liddlebidda nutmeg; deep-fry the cauliflower in a spiced batter and serve it with Dauphinoise-style potatoes.

Harold:    Superb. Better than you’re going to get, Farver –  mind you, you might be able to use ver fish fingers to build Stonehenge on a mound of mushy peas, wiv a lake of tomato ketchup instead of blood on ve altar stone.

Ainsley:    Well, let’s find out –  what are you going to make, Clarissa?

Clarissa:     (swigging from the “special” bottle) I think I’ll make Albert. Men in mittens are unbearably sexy.
    (Falls on top of Albert so that they disappear behind the counter.)

Albert:    HELP.

General shock and confusion.

Ainsley:    (desperately) Three – two – one – STOP FFF- er – c-c-cooking!