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He loves me, he loves her |
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By sampaguita
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07 October 2007 |
Initially inspired spired by jealousy and written with love, a dramatic monoluge for the boy who used to make my heart swoon. The words woven together are tinged with desperation when all you have is love and you have to share.
After rewriting, I realised there is no other way than to move forward, along with it is change. Thank you to Bat, who offered me my first constructive criticism..and to Phil & Jane who pushed me back into updoing it (hopefully).
Why do you love to forsake
This love you love to hate
Am I paled to nothing
when she comes to you
The stolen moments called photographs
are wrapped in velvet purple, remember?
I gave everything and in turn,
All you could give were wilted tulips
I want you
to want her
face with mine own
I want you
to wrap me
tight within the secrets
I want you
to wake us
both in the light
You do not care who is the first
You do not mind who is the last
He loves me, he loves her
He loves me not, he loves her
Plastic blue dresses are no defence to the smell
Of cleanliness and death enveloped in sick chartreuse
There is one window barred to frame my illness, the crazy lady is
In the middle of four whitewashed walls, wearing a straightjacket
With only one hole for my head, these broken faces are all because of you.
(The last re-writing? Improvements are neccessary to create fine work...to Steve, have I highlighted the points? Or do I have to go to square 4?)
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Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 7th October 2007 | Hmm, feelings are running high.
Pieces like these have appeared on GW before and it often occurs to me that they were really written as a release for the author, not for a wider audience. High angst doesn't often make for easy reading. The perspective time provides may allow you to write a little more thoughtfully on this one.
Probably cathartic, but for me, too inward looking.
Phil. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 7th October 2007 | "A broken heart makes poets of us all "- I can't remember who said that but I think he should have added "bad" in there.Put this away in a drawer and look at it again in 6 months time and you'll see what I mean.
Phil is right Cathartic writing is not for public consumption
cheers
Jane | Some bits work well...
Written by Bats (13 comments posted) 8th October 2007 | the technique of Stanzas 3-6 works well, two short lines to set up the tension then a longer one to dispel and shock. But death, corpse and rape are probably too shocking for what you've set up with the first two stanzas -out of proportion for most readers, I suspect, even in the extremes of passion. Death, rotting corpse, then rape - there's a time problem here too.
The first stanza seems like a rhyme exercise, especially the first line, you could probably cut it and let the second, much better, stanza do the work.
Tone down the punishment - you don't want her to die that easily do you, or your love to think that you are a psychopath? And it will work great methinks.
 | Re-written, better-fied?
Written by sampaguita (7 comments posted) 8th October 2007 | i feeling that the re-written work is suffering from split-personality, but i hope that it went a step up?  The art of poetry  complicated as is everything else | Yo!
Written by Bats (13 comments posted) 13th October 2007 | I agree it's now a 'poem of two halves' as they say. I really like up to stanza 5, especially 1 and 3!!! The personal pronouns bother me in 7 - it could be any two of the three, OK if that's what you intended, and 8 seems to say that it is. The last 2 stanzas do nothing for me and the poem ended at 8 would give me a feeling of the rational mind going into some turmoil at the triangular situation. Could 8 be better, then?
Keep at it, I think you have something good developing.
Hope this helps...
Steve |
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