I seem to have offended some people with this poem so I thought I needed to right a new A/N.
This is pureply fictional, it is based on no one I know. It is about a women who is clearly dilusional and not right in the head.
I do not mean this poem to be an attack at females as I am a female myself. I think that the women in this poem needs seriouse psycological help and the man should be put in prison, if it were real.
Everytime I see you,
I fall in love with you ten times more.
Everytime I hear your voice,
my heart melts in pleasure.
Everytime I feel your breath on my skin
it sends shivers up my spine.
Everytime there's silence,
I know you just want to be in my company.
Everytime you grip my arm,
I know its a sign of affection.
Everytime you look at me,
I know your marveling in my beauty.
Everytime you hit me,
I know I have done wrong.
Everytime you kick me,
I try to do better.
Everytime you rape me,
I know its you saying 'I love you'.
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Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 7th October 2007 |
This takes a rather unexpected turn that turns what I expected to be a pretty bland piece into something much more powerful. Effective. My personal taste is not to use u for you.
Phil. |
Written by Fledermaus (3492 comments posted) 7th October 2007 |
| Agree with Phil. At first I thought it was the so-many-est love poem, but it turned out something else. |
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 7th October 2007 |
| I think that your lovely love poem turned into something horrendous to say the least. How can the word "love" even be mentioned in the same breath as kicking and rape? Whoever is in your life is certainly not someone who loves you, so move on fast!! |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 7th October 2007 |
"Everytime you rape me,
I know its you saying 'I love you'. "
Pretentious, dangerous,ridiculous,outrageaous and just about the most dishonest line of poetry I have read on this site . Site etiquette forbids me from saying more
Sorry
Jane
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Written by fellpony (1720 comments posted) 7th October 2007 |
I have seen this kind of "relationship" at very close quarters (though I have not experienced it personally). It is NOT something you want to romanticise. Wake up. PLEASE - you are kidding yourself if you think any of stanzas 2 and 3 are true. If this is a description of a relationship you're in, get out and fast. If it's a description of someone else's relationship, please, stop writing about it and do something to help.
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Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 7th October 2007 |
I clearly read this in a different way than the above reviewers. I did consider their point of view, but dismissed it as too ridiculous. I thought the first two were written tongue in cheek to counterpoint the last. Perhaps I was looking for too much. I've been way off the mark with poetry before - more than once.
If it is a straight read (which I didn't think it was) then I'm in agreement with the above.
I wonder if my 'maleness' let me down here.
Phil |
Purple Fairy
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 7th October 2007 |
did say that the poem did not refer to her or anyone she knows.
But we've all read of these stupid women who thinks precisely like the character in the poem.
I don't think anybody actually read the author's note! If you had you wouldn't have had such an excited response! |
Written by PurpleFairy (1 comments posted) 7th October 2007 |
| I added the authors note after evryone got all annoyed about how stupid they thought I was and to make clear that it was fictional and they were taking it the wrong way. |
Written by stevetroster (1600 comments posted) 7th October 2007 |
I felt that this was a very effective piece of writing.
There are indeed people like this in the world and I am surprised that your highlighting the fact recieved such ridiculously negative reviews.
To those who didn't accept it for what it was, "Wake up, dem dare roses need smelling".
All the best,
Steve |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 7th October 2007 |
"To those who didn't accept it for what it was, "Wake up, dem dare roses need smelling".
What's that got to do with the poem,could you explain?
I was commenting on the poem ONLY not any world view. I'll now go further It was cliched ridden,clumsily expressed and overly sentimental with a cynically emotive ending to try and give it some false gravitas. It was simplistic, superficial without an honest emotion in it. I wasn't gong to say that before but I'm past caring now.it's so dispriting having to read this sort of work and be so careful what you say
You should known better,Steve
Sorry again
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Written by stevetroster (1600 comments posted) 7th October 2007 |
BBS. I feel that it was rather unsporting of you to come back and condemn this piece as cliched, clumsy, overly sentimental and cynical, purely because you took umbrage to a review. After all, you had already given us pretentious, dangerous, ridiculous, outrageaous and dishonest!!
So, someone had the nerve to disagree with you, big deal! You now come across as a sore loser; you should have gotten it all off your chest during your first visit.
What has it got to do with the poem? I believe that it conveyed a message, and to that end it was an effective piece of writing.
Have a go yourself; show us how easy it is.
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Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 8th October 2007 |
Everytime you rape me,
I know its you saying 'I love you'.
There are no two ways of explaining what this stupid person has written, and in future I won't even read what she has written, let alone waste my time reviewing it. She wants to grow up and move into the adult world. Now, you don't normally hear me speaking in an angry way on this website, but I've worked with young women all my life, and most are sensible and wouldn't dream of writing such rubbish. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 8th October 2007 |
| I was going to answer your comment, Steve ,but I have a low boredom threshold. |
Written by stevetroster (1600 comments posted) 8th October 2007 |
Three visits yet you have a low boredom threshold, you obviously find this poem very exiting.
Still, I wouldn’t dare disagree that you have a low threshold.
And Josie, personal attacks! Tut-tut. At least Purple didn’t write one of those really boring poems where every line rhymes!!
Grow up.
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enough already
Written by fellpony (1720 comments posted) 8th October 2007 |
Please comment on the poem, not on other people's reviews.
Sue (Fellpony) as moderator |
bold statement
Written by ianhobsonuk (180 comments posted) 17th October 2007 |
I think your poem makes a very bold statement about violence against women; that some women really do believe that they deserve it and/or that the violence is just an expression of love. Unfortunately this kind of violence, and submissive response to it, is all too common; though perhaps too easy for outsiders to condemn when we don’t know all the factors that have led to it.
If I were putting together some poems with a human rights theme, I would want to include this one.
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