READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1322 guests online and 6 members online
Shorts
Rebel
By Fledermaus
07 October 2007
Loosly based upon a Swiss legend...

High up in the mountains, on the barren highlands, the hunter walked. Mist drifted over the rocky plain and his wet hair was moved by an icy wind. Yet he marched on, unbothered by the sharp stones that scarred his feet or the chill that went through his bones.
He waded though shallow streams and climbed over narrow ridges. The howling ghosts tried to push him off the cliffs, but his feet were steady and his step was careful. The man was born and raised here. This was his home, and although his clothes were soaked and his skin was a blueish purple, he would not rest or make a fire. The rage which burned inside him was enough to keep him going, enough to make him endure this cold. On he marched, as fast as the terrain allowed him to go.
He walked past the pools of melting water, over the rocky foothills and through dark forests, until he reached the valley, where the wilderness gave way to small fields.
Through the windows of the houses built against the slopes he could see the glow of fires and one instant he longed for his home. Yet he knew there was no way back. They would search for him, the fugitive...
He dared not ask for hospitality, for he did not know whose side the people were on. Most farmers were attatched to their freedom, but fear could cause people to do regrettable things. Most people simply wanted to stay out of trouble, and he couldn't blame them, for most men would already have given in to despair having suffered what he had.
The child... His son. He thought of his expression... Such a brave lad. He did not move, nor did he tremble or cry, but he knew he faced death when his father aimed the crossbow. The apple... Split by a fierce bolt. It could have been the boy's face.

The hunter gritted his teeth as he thought of the frightened child. What had kept him from shooting the bailiff? Was it the Lord's hand which had held him from pulling the trigger one more time? Had he shot that second bolt, his wife would now be mourning for both a son and a husband. It was God who had kept him from making that mistake. He had had to endure even further humiliation and suffering, but now the time was coming.

Through the fields he walked. His fields, their fields... Here they had toiled for centuries. With their own sweat and blood the people had turned these unfertile lands into a little paradise and now came this stranger to take it all away from them. He treated them as if they were serfs, slaves even... How much longer did he think the people could live under this yoke? How much deeper into the mud of their own homeland he thought he could push them?

The hunter reached the town's walls and pulled the soaked hood over his hair. The guards would search him, but he was unarmed anyhow.

He walked through the alleys until he reached a house near the port. He knocked the door thrice and waited. It was set ajar and a wrinkled face appeared.
"Who is it... Oh Lord! It's you. I heard about the trial. Come in, quickly."

The hunter stepped inside and took off his wet cloak.
" I need dry clothes and a weapon."
" I thought they took you prisoner."
" They did, but I managed to get away."
" How ?"
" I jumped overboard. Do you have a crossbow? We have to be quick."
" Yes, yes. Here is my own. And here are the bolts. But what do you need it for ?"
" For revenge."
" You won't... You hot-headed idiot. They'll kill you!"

But the hunter had already grabbed the weapon. He weighed it in his hand, placed it against his shoulder and nodded.
" It will do. You have my eternal gratitude. Goodbye."
" But..."

The hunter left his friend's house and walked towards the quay. He was alone, for with this weather people prefered not to go out. All the better...
He hid himself behind some barrels and waited.

The waiting seemed to take ages, but then he saw them. The boat came round the cliff slowly and sailed towards him. Its sails were torn and the rigging was damaged, but somehow it managed to get to the port. The gangway was lowered and the passengers stepped onto the quay.
First came the soldiers, then followed by the servants carrying the chests with tax money. And then he appeared; The bailiff. Dressed in his expensive clothes he stepped onto the quay, his nose up in the air and his expression grim.

The hunter placed a bolt against the wood and pulled the string back. Then he placed the butt-end against his shoulder and he aimed.
" There is no apple on your head, bailiff", he whispered, " So I'll aim a bit lower..."
A soft thud. Blood spattered over the bailiff's face and clothes before he fell backwards into the water.
The oppressor was dead, but the fight had only just begun...

Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 7th October 2007
Hello FM, this was an interesting enough start to a story, or indeed an interesting enough end to a story that I was already (sort of) familiar with. 
There are quite a few typos (SP’s) so a proof read would be in order. 
All the best, 
Steve. 
 

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 7th October 2007
Thanks steve. 
This is off course the story of Wilhem Tell, but since I don't know the details, I filled in the gaps myself, hence 'loosly based'. I have seen some terrible typos and will check for the others tomorrow :-) That's the disadvantage of writing on a computer without a spelling checker.

Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 8th October 2007
Liked the "legend" style in which you wrote this - interesting, because apart from "boy-apple-crossbow", I can remember nothing of the context of the William Tell story - it all just seemed to end up as the basis for a circus trick. Enjoyed it... maybe you could include a few specifics in this, to give more background and make it look like a genuine post-apple historical account... without going overboard and doing a Hollywood version of history... where the American soldiers arrive, and liberate an oppressed canton... is this the piece in its entirety, or is there more to come?

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 8th October 2007
Thanks coosh. 
I must say I don't know very much about it either, except that the Austrian bailiff Gessler placed his hat on a pole and ordered the Swiss to kneel for it. Wilhelm Tell refused and was forced to shoot an apple off his son's head. After that he threatened Gessler and was taken prisoner. They wanted to take him accross Lake Lucerne, but amidst a storm he managed to get away. Then he sought his way to the town and shot Gessler. Apperantly this was the start of a rebellion against the Austrians.

Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 8th October 2007
Enjoyed this Fledermaus. It flowed well and built the atmosphere nicely. Legend or not, a good story in its own right. 
 
Phil.

Written by Asferthecat (851 comments posted) 8th October 2007
I believe the story of the apple is legend, rather than history. This makes this piece an embellishment of a fairy tale rather than bringing history to life.  
Does this matter? Not from an entertainment point of view as the story is well written and full of detail and an understanding of people's feelings.  
However, when an anthology of your historial pieces is published, IMHO it should not be included.

Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 9th October 2007
Liked this with some very good descriptions. You paced it well. I also thought the ending was very good. 
Lizzy

Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 9th October 2007
OK, so there is a definite historical context and purpose to the legend as far as Switzerland is concerned... sure, you don't need to specify it, was just curious.

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 10th October 2007
Thanks Asferthecat, Lizzy and Coosh. 
As said, I know very little of the background of the legend. When on holiday as a kid I saw the statue in Lucerne and my parents told me who Wilhelm Tell was. Later there was some TV series about him, but that was a Hollywood adaptation in the style of Xena the Warrior Princess, so not exactly reliable.

Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 11th October 2007
Thanks for an interesting read, Fledermaus. I agree with the others, and if this is a story in its own right, I think I would have set the stage a little more so that people know from the start why the fugitive is on the run etc. (stept = stepped; regretable = regreTTable). Why not write on word first of all, then cut and paste onto a spellchecker? On the whole, what I read at the moment, has better English than a lot of work on GW, especially considering English is your second language.

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 13th October 2007
Thanks Josie. 
I don't have Word on this computer. Usually I just type in the notebook, which doesn't spell check :roll 
GW is very good for improving one's English and I'm glad you point out the errors, for these are the kind of mistakes I'd make again if I wasn't told they are wrong.  
Seems it's a good thing after all that I wasn't able to find a decent Dutch creative writing website :grin
Because of the title
Written by ianhobsonuk (169 comments posted) 17th October 2007
I read this because of the title, it's also the title of an excellent book by Bernard Cornwell, curently my favorite author. What little I know of Willian Tell is what I remember from the 1960s TV program. 
 
As I read your (well written) story I felt as though I was reading scraps of a longer story and that you could have put a lot more into it. As you have done the reserch? research? (bugger, no spellcheck here) why not write a story from the boy's point of view? 
 
Ian 
Guiseley, UK

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 17th October 2007
Thanks Ian 
 
In fact I did very little research for this one. I only knew the big lines and I deliberately didn't mention Wilhelm Tell, Gessler or Lake Lucerne by name, for I could be very wrong about the details. 
The boy would be an interesting main character indeed. What would he have thought? I think he was ten or eleven, something like that, so not as naive anymore as to believe his dad was God...

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item