Are there mockingbirds in England? They mimick countless songs of other songbirds and weave them into an amazing, non-stop flow, intermingled with their own individual (and often bizarre) calls. They can go for hours.
"Shoot all the Blue-jays you want, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird. Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat up people's gardens, don't nest in corncribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird."
And now, an ode to my father...
My father was a mountain.
He lorded, taught, and projected
in ways good and bad.
I've kept the morsels worth keeping
and others that I can't outrun.
I felt his presence within me
one night on my twentieth summer
when I stopped to listen
to the ever-changing song
that graced the night sky
as I sat on my backporch steps.
My dad used to do that too.
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HI Toad
Written by jean.day (2231 comments posted) 8th October 2007 |
I think this is a really beautiful poem. It says so much about your father, and about you. I like the idea that there are things about what your father taught you - or meant to you - that you can't outrun.
I don't know if there are mockingbirds in England - but I have never heard of them being here. And I come from North Dakota and we didn't have them there either. We had blue jays. |
no mockingbirds in England
Written by fellpony (1536 comments posted) 8th October 2007 |
We have starlings as mimics instead. Some love 'em.some hate 'em.
I enjoyed the poem. Although I think line 1 "had a strong personality" is too abstract, the rest of the poem says everything concretely. Maybe line 1 could be edited to lose that? |
Growing respect?
Written by Bats (13 comments posted) 8th October 2007 |
I disagree that 'everything is concrete', the poems, as good poems should, left me lots to ponder. He 'lorded' and you you only kept 'morsels' and what is it that you can't outrun, maybe you didn't know but started to learn at 20, 'felt his presence within me,' 'one night when I stopped to listen'. Now you are starting to hear what 'graced the night sky' - what he heard, maybe - 'my father used to do that'. And you start with the impersonal, 'my father' and end with 'my dad' - warming to him?
I like the way each line contains a clear thought, makes it smooth, the longer ones ask for more thought and are perhaps, more important. Not sure why 2,3 & 4 are separate stanzas.
A very effective poem for me. |
Written by Phil (6549 comments posted) 8th October 2007 |
Liked this, many resonances. Flowed well and there was much to think on.
Lne 1 stood out for me too. Oddly, in that it was too concrete, not abstract. It did stand at odds with the rest anyway. An edit may fix this. Funny how two readers pick the same line for opposite reasons. Go figure. That's poetry!
Phil. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3237 comments posted) 8th October 2007 |
Anything that refers to Harper Lee's masterpiece is just fine with me. I had it in mind as I read this.
A nicely understated piece. I think I side with Phil in that I didn't like that first line; too bold a statement. Why not let us discover that for ourselves as we read your poem, How much more potent that would have been.
cheers
Jane |
I don't know
Written by audrie (444 comments posted) 9th October 2007 |
what the problem is with the first line, I would have put 'was' instead of 'had' but I don't see that it should be changed. The boy started out resenting his father but then realised he was turning into him.
I liked this. |
changes made!
Written by Toad (100 comments posted) 9th October 2007 |
Many, many thanks for the criticisms. I too felt that the original first line ("my father had a strong personality") didn't work quite right... too blunt, not very poetic. I liked, however, beginning with "father" and ending with "dad", as Bats mentioned, as well as the aspect of the line that Audrie appreciated.
I also divided the next four lines into couplets, like the rest of the poem's body, seeking a nice, rounder, symmetry.
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Written by Phil (6549 comments posted) 9th October 2007 |
I think your change works well.
Phil. |
Now it goes places
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 16th November 2007 |
Toad,
after reading your intro to your poem "Are you Ready for Miles Davis" I searched this one out.
this is what the other is missing -- this poem paints a scene the readers can see, we can hear the sounds, smell the smells, because we've all been to that place in our own lives. We've probably all thought about our fathers in a similar way, and one day we all probably had a revelation about how we came to be "us".
this one does give me that deeper idea to take home with me. Makes me think, "did I ever have that day in my twenties when I realized I have become dad?"
Also, what really works great is that you have captured the element of time - one generation to the next, a time line that spans years, and yet you have managed to slow it down at the same time by drawing a picture of sitting on a porch at night listening to night sounds -- not too much is slower than that, and the you leap across the generation again with the last line.
Great work, I would change too much, if anything at all.
BW |
Oh, forgot title
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 16th November 2007 |
Toad,
I forgot to mention, the genious of the title you've given this also opens this up -- it contains enough creative ideas to fill a novel, the idea of a Mocking Bird, the morsels you retain, the pieces of your father that mock you -- make you part of him.
Nice
BW |
Meant to say "would NOT"
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 16th November 2007 |
My first comment, last line, left important word out, WOULD NOT change too much.
bw |
thanks
Written by Toad (100 comments posted) 18th November 2007 |
| thanks very much, bwoz. your reviews have been a treat. |
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