Tried to get a bit of a rhythm going with this one. Not sure if I succeeded- it's not something I try often. Comments please! :)
Edit: now featuring 1st singular. Thanks PJ
I am clockwork.
I wind myself up
every day, in crowds and queues
and words I cannot find,
or forget to say.
Each grinding turn
at my back
pulls my muscles tauter,
tighter. Sometimes others
lend a hand
to screw me up
with slow,
deliberate fingers.
Or knotted eyebrows,
curious of
what I’ll do
when I'm wound up.
And all that metal
twisted, gathered
at the tailbone,
slicing through the thighs,
grinding with
each step a painful squeak.
Each morning rubbing
rust-dust
from the corners of my eyes.
Bones and bolts tensed,
waiting for a smile,
or laughter,
to oil the joints,
ooze gratefully from my eyes.
The handle at my back
whirring, spinning,
my movements no longer
mechanised.
|
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 8th October 2007 | Rhythms worked okay for me GK.
I liked the elements of this, but they didn't all join up for me. Unusually for your work, I found myself scanning towards the end and had to force myself to read properly. Perhaps the metaphor just doesn't suit me.
I liked:
Each morning rubbing
rust-dust
from the corners of the eye.
and
Sometimes others
lend a hand
to screw us up
with slow,
deliberate fingers.
Or knotted eyebrows,
curious of
what you’ll do
when you’re wound up.
Probably not a very helpfuyl review. Sorry, best I can do.
Phil. | At least...
Written by patterjack (1159 comments posted) 8th October 2007 | ... you were not confusing rhythm and meter , as so many do.
Clockwork for some suggests a thought of metronomic regularity, which you avoided .
This work may not speak as rhythmically to me as it would to others--( as I sometimes feel that personally my life marches to the beat of a different drum) - but I think you capture the jerky motion of the winding key very well from time to time.
I am not sure why you need to switch grammatically from person to person -- 1st person singular to ist person plural , then go to an objective second person ( you ) for a moment .
For a theme like this I would like to see you keep it totally 1st singular
Interesting theme , and a good effort.
patterjack |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 9th October 2007 | I know the person references are all over the place  something I meant to fix before I posted and somehow never got around to. I found the "we" worked better in some places while the "I" worked better in others. I'll try it in first singular.
It is a bit of a departure from my usual stuff, I had to play around with it a lot more than usual so maybe that's why it hasn't come out as intense (?) as my stuff can be. Thanks for your comments guys. |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 9th October 2007 | I wonder if the mix of pronouns is what made me think it wasn't all joined up - and not the metaphor at all.
Phil. | Line Length
Written by Bats (13 comments posted) 12th October 2007 | I'm not sure short line length helps if you're trying for clockwork regularity and consistent rhythm, it makes the reader race through the words, staccato, especially where a line doesn't contain a complete idea or phrase. The beat needs to reinforce the meaning so that rhythm and meaning are in harmony, otherwise it tends to break the flow. For me, the subject matter is suited to some jarring and works OK...
Bats |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 12th October 2007 | Phil- here's hoping! I'll try be more organised in future so as to give your poor mind a break.
Bats- I always think that shorter lines make a poem more staccato. But reading through the piece aloud I can see that it does read quite quickly. I might try re-writing it with longer lines, and see what happens (or if you're a super lovely person, you could show me your idea of a better rhythm?). Thanks by the way | I've been tryin'.....
Written by Bats (13 comments posted) 13th October 2007 | I've been trying - not with your material I might add - but find it increedibly difficult, so I'll keep the results under lock and key for now
Those that can, do
Those that can't, review
But I'm working on it....
Hope this keeps me a tentative foothold in the 'super-lovely' league.
Steve | Hello
Written by Faerieanna (25 comments posted) 13th October 2007 | I liked this, think it flows quite nicely and is right not to be too rigid in rhythm, for me this is consistent with the idea that you are not always mechanised, that happiness can free you, at least that's my understanding of the ending.
I have tried this metaphor myself (with a much less positive conclusion) in my poem "Blinkered" but was impressed with the way that you take it so much further. Very vivid and some very striking images, especially:
"all that metal
twisted, gathered
at the tailbone,
slicing through the thighs,"
and as Phil picked out:
"Sometimes others
lend a hand
to screw me up
with slow,
deliberate fingers."
So true.
Take care,
Anna x
|
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 14th October 2007 | Steve- you get a place in the super-lovely league just for spending your time on my piece.
Anna- thanks for the compliment I didn't see "Blinkered" on your list of works but I'd be interested in seeing it. |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
