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By Bats
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12 October 2007 |
One for the writing circle!!!
Autumn imagery and all that
be gentle with me....
Clouds appear in all shades of grey, and white
They billow from the pushing piercing light
Rain comes
drifting with the soft wind
pirouhetting
in spirals
down, down
down to the welcoming
ground
Then birds chase enprism’d sparkles in the rainfall
Or perhaps small insects caught in its thrall
They invent songs about it
For themselves and us
Life, rhyming with everything|
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 12th October 2007 | I realise that I run the risk of showing my ignorance of poetry but this seemed way too short. It begun like you were taking us on some extended journey through the images of Autumn with all it's differing moods and then it just petered out. That last line made me feel as if you really wanted to say more but couldn't be bothered
"Life, rhyming with everything" that to me just isn't the sort of line to end a poem with.
Now I wait for the other poets to tell me how wrong I am
Just my reaction what was there was really good especially
"Then birds chase enprism’d sparkles in the rainfall " More of that would have been nice
cheers
Jane |
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 12th October 2007 | | Sorry but just the way this is presented, no, to much in my face, It puts me of even to attempt to read it |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 12th October 2007 | I liked: then birds chase enprism'd sparkles in the rainfall too.
The font was a little like being shouted at, but GW can do funny things to apparently ordinary text.
I thought much of this didn't go far beyond the humdrum. The language particularly, at least for me, didn't capture the magic of Autumn.
I quite like this last line for what you are saying with it, but again, I'm not sure specific choice of words does the idea justice.
Sorry I couldn't be more positive. I wrote an Autumn poem last year. I stuck to stupidity - much easier to achieve.
Phil. | Thanks...
Written by Bats (13 comments posted) 13th October 2007 | Thanks, Jane, your comments are really useful for me at this stage (total novice) - the length was a stipulated part of the exercise, so maybe I chose too big a subject.
Thanks, Phil, valid comments, I think - glad you spotted, at least, that I wasn't going for stupidity 
Thanks also for warnings about font choice.....
Steve |
Written by katejayne (18 comments posted) 17th February 2008 | I liked the "pirouhetting in spirals" and the ways the text is almost following that form.
I think the title was a tad misleading: maybe an extension on the gray theme would of clarified the meaning of the poem. However Poem title can be totally irrelevant...
Goo work though,
kate. |
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