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By man_in_the_box
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12 October 2007 |
There's been a little debate over the first piece I put in the Poetry section, but I'm going to continue posting it here as 'lyrical prose'.
Not keen on the title, think it's maybe a little obvious. I can hear my breathing. I am beginning to break a sweat. The air between me and this creature is saturated with tension. That is to say however, a tension felt only by me, for this over-laden beast of burden feels nothing. As I cautiously grasp a plastic satchel and inch it ever closer to the beast’s hide, the tension enveloping me turns to outright fear. I cannot speak. I cannot blink. For this task, a steady hand is an advantageous thing to possess, but mine is shaking like the lower lip of a whimpering child. Hooking the rigid strap of this tiny satchel over the leg of an equally undersized ironing board, I feel on the verge of a stroke, and cannot allow any breath to pass my lips. And then, ever so gradually, I part my thumb and forefinger, allowing the satchel to settle. The beast remains still. I exhale. The fear is, at least for the moment, passed on to the person lurking on the opposite side of the beast. |
Written by Fledermaus (3285 comments posted) 12th October 2007 | I can see the prblem of categorizing this. Too poetic and obscure for prose, yet written in prose rather than poetry.
I don't know what exactly it's about. all I could imagine was saddling a horse (or an elephant, camel, or llama). Yet something tells me that's not it. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 12th October 2007 | Nobody died in the writing or posting remember. It doesn't matter that much.
I don't think this had the lyrical feel of your first piece. The short staccato sentences at the start didn't allow me to settle into it. Neither did they build tension. (If that was your intention.)
Where your other piece had a pulse that at least pointed towards the poetic, this lacks any rhythmic quality at all for me. Your first piece, while closer to prose, was lyrical, interesting and layered. This (at least to me) seems lacking any of that. For me, too opaque and obtuse.
Others will probably disagree, and I hope they will.
Phil
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Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 12th October 2007 | Yes, the title is very obvious; two children playing a game of 'B.......'
Must agree with Phil, is it poetry? |
Written by fellpony (1611 comments posted) 13th October 2007 | | For me this is prose - and it feels too short at that. What is it leading to ... ? Buckaroo, maybe rodeo riding, but on an ironing board? I caught a few clues but couldn't make anything much more coherent from it, sorry. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 13th October 2007 | An ironing board? Perhaps it is a clothes horse!!
The items which players must place on the mule's back are:
a bedroll
a canteen
a crate
a frying pan
a hat
a guitar
a holster
a lantern
a rope
a saddle
a shovel
a stick of dynamite
And, apparently, a plastic satchel!! Unless, that is, I am completely wrong at it's not Buckaroo. |
Written by Keller (19 comments posted) 14th October 2007 | I certainly remember a satchel in Buckaroo, but the game's been remade so many times it could have anything in it now!
Certainly not as 'poetic' as your first piece, I think it lacks a little in imagery and metaphor and may be heading towards nothing more than an exercise in melodrama. What was your thought for creating a spoonerism with the title?
I certainly think it has potential, but maybe more work is necessary? | I like board games
Written by man_in_the_box (13 comments posted) 16th October 2007 | Yeah you guys are right about a lot of that stuff. Cudos to you, stevetroster for googling Buckaroo. Such a fool have I been to not research the games items, and my memories of it a little distant.
The piece was supposed to read as being ridiculously melodramatic and exaggerated, ("verge of a stroke"? Come on...) hopefully to the point of creating humour. Maybe I'll work on that. |
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