Pull the other one, Oh you already have!!
Following reports that people are doing DIY dentistry, the government have released this statement
“We are delighted that the general public are taking responsibility for their dental requirements. For too long they have relied on a free service, which quite frankly was not helping the poor dentist to get rich quick at all.
Our hope is that in the near future hospital patients, who are such a drain on the NHS, will follow their example. Of course they won’t be expected to perform major surgery on themselves (not for a few years anyway) but simple things like in-growing toenails, cyst removal, amputations. Information on how to perform such tasks will be readily available via the internet.
In the meantime new classes for the over 65s will be introduced. Metalwork will enable patients to provide their own replacement hips, pins for broken limbs etc…and needlework to ‘close up’ after the op, anyone taking advanced needlework will also be able to darn scars saving on expensive skin grafts. A class on self -hypnosis for the mentally ill has been postponed due to extra demand put on hypnotist by people giving up smoking.
We believe this is a step in the right direction, making a better Britain for us all.”
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hmmmmmmmmm!!
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
 Doesn't exactly inspire confidence in someone who's [at last!] got to the top of the waiting list and is due to go into hospital for a hip replacement at the end of November!  |
Written by gshelme (152 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
Sorry Bagheera, didn't mean to put you off,I don't think you'll have to provide your own hip just yet!!!
Gill  |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
There is something disturbingly prescient about this. Today's satire is tomorrow's government policy. I think they must have a spin doctor checking out this site.
You have the style of it so right. They start by introducing simple tasks that seems reasonable but it is always the thin edge of the wedge.
I love the idea of self-hypnosis for the mentally ill, what a concept, especially if they are schizophrenic
"You're feeling relaxed"
"Yes I'm feeling relaxed"
"Now what are you thinking"
"Well you should know"
Any more crazy ideas,Gill?
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Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
Yes, Gill, please don’t give them any ideas. What next from the NHS in this age of multitasking?
Perhaps a return to the good old days when the local barber took on minor surgery?
False limbs, care of the local Kwik Fit fitter!!
A Butcher performing an amputation whilst weighing up Mrs. Reynolds pork sausages. “Are you certain that this is a sausage, mister Brisk?”
It’s too scary to even contemplate.
All the best,
Steve.
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Written by andybyers (171 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
| Wait, I thought Margaret Thatcher quit...? |
Thanks
Written by gshelme (152 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
Jane, I wouldn't be at all surprised, my 75yr old friend is already checking her own blood pressure with a machine she bought from boots!! I have many crazy ideas, most of which would see me off to the hypnosis class if I told anyone.
Steve, wish I'd thought of the Kwik Fit Fitter bit. Trying not to think what the butcher might be offering Mrs Reynolds!!
Andy, Her spirit still haunts the streets of England and she's not even dead yet! |
Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
Well, considering the state your NHS (or ours for that matter, as our politicians were so smart as to copy the UK) is in, I wonder if people performing their own medical treatments would be so bad. At least they won't die waiting for a bed.
Of course it's easy talking for me, having a number of doctors near at hand  |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
I think the smugness of the last line is typical of what we see in any political statement that introduces a really dubious policy.
I recently saw an article on DIY abortions. I can just see the Government extending the principle to other areas, such as law and order. Oh... they're doing that already! |
Written by gshelme (152 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
Fledermaus - Hopefully it won't get to that stage, but hearing that people are extracting their own teeth is very worrying.
Livinginanattic- Glad you picked up on the last line.
I have stopped being surprised at anything this government does. |
HI Gill
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
| I enjoyed reading this and how true and scarey it is. Recently we had a situation where we knew (from reading the internet) more about what was happening than the doctors doing the treatment knew. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
Enjoyed this Gill; the tone of the piece was spot on. It did sound very 1980s, Loads-a-money too.
Have to say, I've just had excellent treatment. It's not all bad - but it probably will be the way things are going.
Enjoyed Janes dialogue too.
Phil. |
Written by tpowell (105 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
Hi Gill
Enjoyed this a lot, I thought your title was very clever.
Well written and made me laugh, but sadly I feel you may be nearer to the true state of things, they need to sack most of the managers and bring back Matrons and train more nurses.
Tracey |
Written by Lizzy (800 comments posted) 17th October 2007 |
Can only echo what everyone else has said.
An 'almost' true and scary piece.
Well done
lizzy |
Written by gshelme (152 comments posted) 17th October 2007 |
Thanks, Jean, Phil, Tracey and Lizzy.
I really believe red tape and mismanagement will see the end of the NHS as we know it. I feel for the Doctors and nurses who are caught in the middle of it.
I'll get off my soapbox now and go for a cuppa, which as we all know is the answer to everything  |
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 27th October 2007 |
You could make this an advert for BUPA. The style and tone was just right, and the possibilities are frighteningly endless. Just give everyone a hand-held scanner plugged into a PC and they can do their own MRIs.
There was a guy interviewed the other day who reckons we can alter our sexual orientation just by fiddling with a few wires in the brain circuits. So far, however, it only works with worms. Very "enjoyable" piece. |
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