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By sandra_harrison
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16 October 2007 |
Posted this a few days ago, removed by accident, so I'm re-posting.
Apologies to Phil who had commented (I took this on board, thanks Phil), I am just feeling my way around the site!
Back then …I missed you incessantly
Longed for you in your absence
The hole in my life too large to bear
You were unfailing in your devotion
Ever present, enriching the good times, a comfort in the bad.
My rock, my sanity, my strength
My waking thought, the cause of my soaring heartbeat
How would I cope?
I couldn't imagine life without you.
It will get easier, they said.
One day at a time
Nothing will replace you, I said
I saw you around, on another's lips. She was absorbed in you.
I was drawn to you. I wanted you back. You were everything.
Two years on ...I miss you, fleetingly
Your absence given barely a second thought
Verve and vigor replace the hole that you left
And a realisation that I don't need you.
I was weak, dependant on you
No longer my first thought, my heart beats steadily
I am coping.
I can no longer imagine you in my life
It's easier now
Finer things replace you.
I saw you just now, on another's lips. She is addicted to you.
I feel nothing. I am over you. You’re only a cigarette.
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Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 16th October 2007 | | The twist at the end is a good one but I feel it's not enough compensation for a piece of writing that strikes me as being a bit bland. Metaphors such as a "hole in my life" are very common and some people might not bother reading until the interesting ending. Spice up the rest and this could be a very effective piece. | ...
Written by sandra_harrison (5 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |  Fair point, thank you for your comments and for taking the time to read my piece - right to the end!! |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3445 comments posted) 16th October 2007 | I think GK has a point about the cliched metaphors; always a good idea to find a new way to make an old statement.It shows we are reading a well thought out work and are more likely to stay to the end.
Having said that; you were obviously trying to fool us into thinking it was a conventional love affair[ with a really great twist] and so the language was there to keep us fooled. Perhaps it could be a tad shorter or put in the odd quirky phrase to make us wonder
"I saw you around, on another's lips"
That was a good example- perhaps that could have gone in earlier
Clever little poem with a good twist at the end
Jane | Quirky
Written by sandra_harrison (5 comments posted) 16th October 2007 |
Thanks Jane. The title itself was meant to be a bit quirky -"From my heart" as it turns out to be physically from the heart and not emotionally - same applies to the references to 'heart' witin the poem. Maybe a little too abstract for a bland poem?
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Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 16th October 2007 | I do remember this. I thnk I said something about you taking us through a process - and that added a little something to this. I don't know if you've changed anything, but I like it more the second time round. Problem is, you've lit the passion for a fag.
Phil.
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Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 16th October 2007 | Yup, that's how it goes. I just wrote something about something like that, saw yours and wondered wether I should post it, as yours is way better (did so anyhow though).
Indeed the beginning is full of cliches, but then it fits well with the way people may feel when hormones still run wild after a break-up. People usually don't write masterpieces when they're too emotional I think.
The end on the other hand is strong and I like the metaphor. Somehow though I can see three fases here rather than two:
1. Just after the break-up, when your narrator is the typically over-emotional, self-pitying person anyone becomes when (s)he is being dumped.
2. The narrator is somewhat over him, sometimes wonders 'what if' and thinks it's sad how things went.
3. She's completely over him and doesn't care who he kisses or what he does with his life. |
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