Great Writing - Home > Poetry > AIDS, An Attack Upon Innocense
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1829 guests online and 7 members online
Poetry
AIDS, An Attack Upon Innocense
By Zeinah
18 October 2007
Another innocent child, taken by AIDS. Written in 2002.

Silence.
Deep, velvety darkness.
The sway and swash of my cocoon engulfs me.
The soothing song of my protector’s breath
Lulls me into serene dreaming of a life to come.

And yet,
In the peace of my dormancy, something is lurking.
Something is hiding... crouching... prowling.
The stranger probes the sanctuary of my mother’s womb,
Its black force encircles me, closing its arms in a vile embrace.
 
Hunting me...
This cursed cobra writhes in iron coils,
Fangs glinting, waiting for the moment to strike...
It pierces through my vulnerable body!
Spreading its tendrils of fire, reducing my being to mere ashes.

It is time.
Time to be torn from my invulnerable fortress.
Fierce hands are pushing, tugging, forcing!
They knead and mould my body like clay.
I make my first journey from darkness to light.

I am born.
Blazing white slices my eyes, freezing air bites at my skin,
A sharp slap and it rushes through me stabbing at my throat!
In protest, a wail erupts from my body!
Everyone smiles, my mother’s warmth enfolds me once more.

It is finished...
My first journey is followed so swiftly by my last.
I am the sacrifice to an unappeasable beast.
I am the price paid for another’s mistake.
WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

Nothing...
Where there was once life, now painful emptiness.
Where there was once a beating heart, now an eerie silence.
The lurking monster claims another victim.
Leaving surges of sorrow and rivers of tears in its wake.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6387 comments posted) 18th October 2007
Your first verse worked really well. There's a certain quality of warmth created by the words and rhythm. The second contrasted well, and while understated, served the piece well. I thought the third a little heavy handed. I've no experience of AIDS, but the cobra metaphor didn't work for me. I think I'd have been tempted to finish with: 
 
It is finished... 
My first journey is followed so swiftly by my last. 
 
Phil

Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 18th October 2007
Hm... Agree with Phil. The first verse was good, but not all those which followed were of the same quality.

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item