Announced today by Health Secretary Alan Johnson.

“We are pleased to announce even more encouragement for the health of this nation, and indeed the health of the planet.

We have encouraged smokers by massive education campaigns and support networks to cease their disgusting habits. The morbidly obese and those at risk of obesity have been, and continue to be, educated to eat more healthily, but perhaps less often. Getting fitter, as a nation, is why we are bringing the 2012 Olympics to London.

However, as you know, those that refuse to change pose an ongoing risk to the wellbeing of all. Should those that choose to live outside the accepted norms of society be welcome to all of the benefits of being British?

Some of our more socially responsible NHS trusts have already chosen to withdraw treatment from smokers and the obese.

My discussions with the heads of various NHS trusts have highlighted yet another social group who are causing damage, not just to themselves, but to the entire planet by their unsocial behaviour.

Vegetarians! As you know, belches and, to a far lesser degree, farts from sheep, cows, and other herbivores account for around 20% of global methane emissions. Methane is 23 times more potent than carbon dioxide as a source of global warming.

A vaccine has been produced for sheep and cows which will reduce their eructations in the future. However, initial studies undertaken by the National Institute for Clinical Excellence suggest that it would prove too costly to be prescribed by the NHS to vegetarians.

NHS Trusts in East Anglia have already decided that they will, with immediate effect, withdraw services from vegetarians unless they can prove that they have eaten meat, or some form of meat by product, within the past 24 hours.

An itemised receipt from Tesco will not do.