National ID crisis

Internet surfers may soon find themselves the target of police investigations, it was revealed yesterday.

“It has become increasingly evident that internet users are disguising their true selves, and confusing our tracking systems, with multiple identities,” said a Government spokesman. “This is a potential threat to national security.”

An extension of the National Identity Scheme, which already proposes unprecedented collation and monitoring of personal information, will create a new offence of Multiple ID Generation.

A spokesman for the National Identity Scheme explained: “We can’t let people set up alter egos. We’re having enough trouble trying to identify real people correctly.”

Leaked documents suggest that MIDG will cover three grades of offence:

1. Because terrorist threats are usually made by fundamentalist religions, Grade One offenders will be those whose secondary IDs refer to spiritual states or beings, such as ParadiseSeller, DarkAngel, Immortal, or PurpleFairy.
2. Grade Two offenders will be IDs that refer to drug use, such as TramaDoll,  ParacetaMoll, Hoodia, or Pharma.
3. Grade Three offences will be committed by people identifying themselves, overtly or by inference, as animals, such as Asferthecat, Fellpony, Fledermaus, Gutterkitty,  or CynicSid’s Budgie.

However, a police spokesman admitted that explicitly sexual IDs such as TeensLovers, Viagra or SexSim, will not be followed up.

“There are just too many of them. If we set up such a query through the National ID database it would grind to a halt within minutes.”

A representative of Al Quaeda remarked with grim satisfaction: “This means that the true seekers of Western destabilisation now know exactly which type of IDs to choose for international communication,” and departed waving an Afghan flag.