Controversy surrounded the government’s decision to ban potatoes today, whilst members of the opposition branded the decision as ludicrous and an over-reaction, ministers stuck by their decision making the following statement.

“We all love the good old spud, but facts have to be faced.

82% of all household fires are caused by chip pans, putting a huge financial and physical drain on our emergency services, not to mention the loss of life.

93% of obese people admit to eating: chips, crisps, mashed and roast potatoes, a major contributory factor in weight gain.

42% of smokers have had a craving for a cig after eating a meal, which DID contain some sort of potato product, fuelling speculation that the two are connected.

And most disturbing of all, 67% of ASBO holders recollect playing with Mr Potato head as a child, which scientists have proved is a direct link to violent tendencies in later life.

Tests are taking place as we speak, to see if there is a connection between the vapours released during the boiling process and the excessive bad-tempered antics of chefs.

Potatoes are not the innocent staple food we all thought. They are the Armageddon of tomorrow, we have already witnessed violent attacks on our streets, carried out by crazed baked potato street vendors muscling in on humble hot-dog sellers.

We want to make it clear that these measures are for your own good, we are talking vegetables of mass destruction here, we cannot stress enough, how serious a problem this is, it is a time bomb waiting to go off, and our aim is to protect the people of Britain by ridding it of this menace.

We are looking after YOUR welfare, as a big brother should!