rubbish title as always and probably a tad angstier than you should be allowed to get away with in poetry ;)
Erm, contains some adult language...
Call me minx
and beautiful and fun
and fill my greedy ears
with nothings, bittersweet,
and I will be your girl,
the one you love to fuck
but nothing more
not quite enough to leave
a would-be wife and mother for.
I will, if you will be my guy,
the guy I love to fuck
but nothing more,
not quite enough to leave
another lover for.
I will be stripping slim for you,
just stand and stare,
no need for more,
I'll fuck you right,
I'll fuck you up alright.
Just tell me why
my body aches tonight
and why that old familiar face
seems out of place
and why that hole
appearing in my doorway
fits you like a glove?
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Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 21st October 2007 |
You minx you! (I mean that in the nicest possible way.)
I liked this very much Elli. Unlike most angsty poetry, it doesn't go down the, 'Oh, woe is me route.' In fact, it's only the last stanza that 'angsty' could be levelled at at all. I like the way the piece turns in on itself and then concludes.
The subtle rhythms and rhymes worked very well.
Like most of you work, the more I read, examine and think, the better it gets.
I hate to state the obvious (and the crass) but a good title might be 'fuck.'
So good to see you back. Thoughtful poetry without pretence.
Phil.
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Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 21st October 2007 |
Agree with everything Phil said. A very effective piece. I love the subtle rhyming- to me it echoes the subtle manipulation in the relationship of the people in the piece. I like the ending too, the never-ending question of why we do what we do.
Very well done.
P.S- I quite like the title. |
Written by Livinginanattic (473 comments posted) 21st October 2007 |
This is a fantastic poem! I liked the way you varied the rhythm and thought it suited the subject very well. It didn't seem particularly angsty.
Very much enjoyed.
Ben |
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 21st October 2007 |
a good write, enjoyed the read.
Bernie |
Written by Fledermaus (3492 comments posted) 21st October 2007 |
Well, that sounds like the 'would-be wife and mother' and 'another' 'd better find themself another partner. The addressed may not leave her, and the narrator may not leave him, but they may both be left themselves... At least, in the picture I see this as refering to, eventhough not so much is said.
Which makes it interesting... a good description is already a great thing, but not describing anything at all, but meanwhile painting a complex situation is an art of its own I guess. |
Yes.........
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 21st October 2007 |
....... indeed, but I cannot make up my mind what adjective to apply -- somewhere between apprehensive and disgruntled
Bring on the thesaurus
patterjack
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HI Elli
Written by jean.day (2366 comments posted) 21st October 2007 |
Glad to have you back - with your always thought provoking poems.
I liked this vesry much. |
Written by Lizzy (828 comments posted) 22nd October 2007 |
Yes, a good poem, one to think about and come back to.
Lizzy |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 22nd October 2007 |
Whether angsty or not I thought the last verse was the strongest and most telling. It gave the poem some depth and meaning and the last 3 lines said so much in a few words.
As for a title, maybe "Updating Larkin"
So it's not only your parents that fuck you up. It happens right through you life. Hey, I never claimed to be a poet
I'm going
cheers
Jane |
Excellent!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 28th October 2007 |
Hi Ellie.
I popped back to post an autobiographical piece and caught this.
I did not consider it to be angst ridden in any way. Rather the opposite. Strong. ambiguous and sharp. Just enought o make a point and no more. And all done with such economy of commonplace language. This is one of the best things of your I have seen of late. My compliments to you.
Slainte!
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