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THE DEATH OF LEWIS HAMILTON.... |
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By woody44
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30 October 2007 |
iT HAS JUST BEEN ANNOUNCED IN THE `PSYCHIC TIMES` OF THE DEATH OF SIX-TIMES FORMULA ONE RACING CHAMPION, LEWIS HAMILTON. LEWIS`S METEORIC RISE TO FAME STARTED BACK IN THE 2006/7 SEASON WHEN, AS JUST A ROOKIE DRIVER IN HIS FIRST SEASON IN FORMULA ONE, HE MISSED OUT BY ONE POINT IN THE LAST RACE OF THE SEASON. THIS UNHEARD OF SUCCESS PROMPTED LEWIS TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE INTRUSION ON HIS PRIVATE LIFE WAS FORCING HIM TO MOVE FROM STEVENAGE TO SWITZERLAND. SOME PEOPLE STATED, RATHER HARSHLY, THAT HAMILTON WAS DOING THIS TO ESCAPE THE PENAL TAX LAWS OF THE UK BUT LEWIS ALWAYS MAINTAINED IT WAS TO FIND A MORE PEACEFUL PRIVATE LIFE. THE FOLLOWING SEASON HE MORE THAN LIVED UP TO HIS EARLY PROMISE BY SECURING THE CHAMPIONSHIP WITH SIX STRAIGHT WINS IN A ROW. THERE FOLLOWED A TWO YEAR LEAN SPELL IN WHICH LEWIS FOUND HIMSELF IN THE PRESS FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS. PICTURES OF HIM FALLING OUT OF A NIGHT CLUB WITH ULRIKA JONSSON AND TALK OF AN AFFAIR WITH NIGELLA LAWSON TEMPORARILY TAINTED HIS IMAGE BEFORE A GOOD TALKING TO BY FREDDIE FLINTOFF AND PETE DOCHERTY PUT HIM BACK ON THE RIGHT PATH. FIVE MORE CHAMPIONSHIPS FOLLOWED BEFORE, AT THE COMPARATIVELY EARLY AGE OF THIRTY-TWO HE ANNOUNCED HIS RETIREMENT FROM THE SPORT TO CONCENTRATE ON BUILDING CUCKOO CLOCKS. AND THIS IS HOW HE DIED, WHEN A CUCKOO FROM ONE OF HIS NEARLY-FINISHED CLOCKS, SPRANG FROM ITS HOUSING AND ITS BEAK PUNCTURED HIS EYE SOCKET. LEWIS WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED FOR HIS MODESTY COUPLED WITH FEARLESS DRIVING, BUT HE HAS LEFT AN EVERLASTING LEGACY WITH SOME OF THE FINEST CUCKOO CLOCKS TO COME OUT OF SWITZERLAND GRACING MANY A HUMBLE SIDEBOARD AND MANTLEPIECE.
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Written by coosh (867 comments posted) 30th October 2007 | | So who ended up getting the parking space Asda reserved for him at their superstore in Stevenage? I think Lewis would settle for this - who cares about being punctured to death by a cuckoo, if you can claim to have had Ulrika and Nigella in one lifetime? Nicely zany forward-looking obituary, Woody - or is there a touch of envy of your part here? | Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 30th October 2007 | Blimey Roger You've really excelled yourself here. I don't really know who he is but I'm sure he isn't dead yet. I think he must be one of those people who wear fireproof baby-grows and drive round in supercharged advertising hoardings. This isn't so much not news as future news. I think you hit on a brilliant formula here;- doing future obituaries with a crazy surreal twist. I look forward to more. I don't know where the cuckoo clocks fit in but I thought they were the icing on the cake. At least you've now got something to do with the long winter evenings in Mansfield. I heard that Laura Ashley are opening a branch in Mansfield, now that really is a surreal concept cheers Jane | Pungent! Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 30th October 2007 | Very good Roger. Very good indeed. And typical of that deadpan humour that earned you the 'Wag of BT' award. Makes a change from painting the fence. I suppose you are aware future obituaries do exist as newspapers write them ahead of a celebrated person's death just to have them to hand when it happens. Its a good idea to lampoon this. Dress it up a bit more and send it to Newsbuscuit or Clap Clap.! How are the submissions going? I'll drop you a PM when I've a moment and share some real news with you. in the meantime I see David and Jane got there before me. Mind. the concept of Laura Ashley opening in Mansfield does seem pretty earth shattering! Where does she get them from! Slan! | Laura Ashley! Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 31st October 2007 | Thanks David. Envy? Me. Well perhaps I do have to shift a little in my armchair when I watch Nigella doing all that finger licking... Good morning Jane. I think you have summed these racing guys up admirably. As for Laura Ashley, I`m afraid you must have misheard as it is actually Larry Ashley, Pawnbroker and Kebab takeaway... Hello Gerard. I have a play out at the moment which I have high hopes for (!) Will know in the next two weeks. Still painting the fence... | Written by gshelme (152 comments posted) 31st October 2007 | A really clever idea, future obituaries. Wish I had thought of it! Well written and funny. Gill | Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 31st October 2007 | I expect those cuckoo clocks would be worth a bit. The solid block of text looked a bit daunting at first sight but read very well. I can just picture Flintoff and Docherty giving him a good talking to. This is a very funny piece with a suitably bizarre twist at the end. | Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 31st October 2007 | Funny piece. I quite liked him 'til he decided to bugger off and leave the rest of us poor saps to pay tax. Phil. | Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 1st November 2007 | | Thanks Gill, Living and Phil. I caught a glimpse of him last night - didn`t realise he was so small, although anyone standing at the side of Clarkson would look small... |
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