Ø      My first guest tonight is 30 years on from when we first met. And for all those years we’ve never spoken. Surprised? I was. It was 2007 in Bradford. We’d chatted briefly. He told me his name.  He was, so he said, a third year student on the same course but I’d never seen him. For the longest time I would wish I hadn’t. He didn’t say much back then. Nor did I. Because I didn’t believe him. We were only students but, so he boasted, already he had his own one man show. I shouldn’t have laughed but I did. And that was when he flipped. Poor, poor Yunis, our lecturer. He tried to intervene. So did I but my scorn had birthed a berserker rage. I survived, just. Yunis didn’t.  I went to hospital. He went inside, 30 years, no parole, no remission. But, yes, tooooooooonight on our Reconciliation Special on the Jeremy Lyle Christmas Extravaganza  sponsored by BUPA (for better health, dare to care), please put your glad hands together because here today on licence courtesy of HM Prison Wakefield for his first interview ever, eeeeeeets  Geoff Waaaaaaaaaalker ….

Ø      CUT, CUT, CUT….Jeremy, darling, come on, come on, with all this security  you can get closer to him than that. Excitement, tension, tension, excitement – remember that daytime mantra, Jezer. We’ve got to keep it coming. It’s what the sponsors think the public want. And besides, love, this overweight lowlife loser – sorry Mr Walker, just a slip of the tongue – he’s not a threat.

Ø      That’s alright for you to say, Mr ‘I’m-safe-behind-my-camera-crew-Producer’. You don’t have to stand next to this mad, violent fucker – this mike is off, isn’t it – who’s just done 30 years – no offence, mind Mr Walker. I just have to say it the way it is. That’s TV for you.

Ø      Oh Jeremiah Jeremy, I’m hurt. I’d never ask you to do anything I wouldn’t do myself. Try focusing on these thoughts – think bonus, company car, contract renewal, repeat fees, ratings.

Ø      Hmm, well….how’s this for the right angle.

Ø      Better, mucho fantastico. Now a quick hug and if you could look just a little sad…maybe a tear in the corner of your eye, Mr Walker, would be good. I know its difficult when you don’t do this for living but, if it helps, just think you’re only getting a thousandth of Jezer’s fee.

Ø      But I’m not feeling sad and I don’t want to hug Jeremy. In fact, I’m still thinking about hitting him….

Ø      Like it, like it ever so. You’re a natural, Mr Walker, see what a little…..

Ø      Hey, hey, this isn’t in my contract….

Ø      Oh stop fussing, for God’s sake, you pussy Jeremy…..

Ø      ….on second thoughts, maybe now I’m out on licence I should….

Ø      Don’t be hasty now, Mr Walker love. On second thoughts I take that back. !!! HOSPITALITY!!! get Mr Walker another whisky.

Ø      Actually, I don’t drink now I’ve found God….

Ø      Christ Almighty……….

Ø      …and him too.

Ø      OK OK , stand down, take five. Jeremy, you work on that proximity thing. !!! RESEARCH!!!

A rather earnest young woman sidled up to the Producer, her elbows clutching to her sides a sleeveless Puffa jacket, a plasticated photo card hanging from a white band looped around her neck. Her knuckly hands held her clipboard too tight, close to herself – half status, half shield. She brushed her lank hair back up out of her lenses and tried to look ready as the Producer ignored her for the relevant time.

Ø      Yes, yes, tell me what you’ve got on this Walker guy, it had better be good.

She began talking too fast. She hated that. It was only a  job for God’s sake, her Mum would say. She rushed through DOB, da-de-dah like a mundane list he wasn’t hearing.

Ø      …so his father and his father’s father were in retail, buying and selling second hand caravans…

Ø      Were these up-market products or cheap and cheerful?

Ø      Very much the lower end of the market. But after prison he lived in the country and got a job at an abattoir as a despatcher but he got upset by all the killing and got sacked….

Ø      Were the police involved?

Ø      Er..no..the factory just let him go….

Ø      So let me get this straight….

It was that word ‘straight’ that told her it was about to happen again.

Ø      So let me get this straight. After generations of trailer trash in his family he left prison but got sacked from his job in the country because he got a thing about animals but the police weren’t involved. Great, great, now all you have to do is beef (Ha ha, God, I am so good)…beef it up a little and I can start working with that….

She dared to interrupt.

Ø      Don’t you think that we’re losing sight of the truth and turning this into a complete travesty of reality which sensationalises the prurient at the expense of the facts for the titillation of the masses.

Ø      Thanks but you don’t have to flatter me...er..what’s your name again.

Ø      Caroline..

Ø      Great, Carol. But what about the prison stuff.

Ø      Well, I haven’t probed too deeply. Apparently, he was raped inside by the Brotherhood. I wasn’t sure how you’d want me to approach it. How about something like “Did you have any relations inside”

Ø      Jesus H Christ on a pogo stick! You’er not asking him about his family’s offending history. For God’s sake, these Brotherhood guys were ripping him a new arsehole three times a day after meals.

Ø      Maybe we should keep our voices down, he’s sitting just behind you…

Ø      OK, Mr Walker, just checking a few details.  You OK there on just one cushion…..

Ø      ..get a grip, Carol. Wait a minute, wait a minute. What were those racist white supremacist Brotherhood mothers messing with him for, he’s as white as that stuff Jeremy sticks up his nose.

She spoke so quietly he could hardly catch her drift.

Ø      Whatdaymean, he stood up to them challenging their raceocentric belief culture. My audience are never going to go for that claptrap even if they understood it. !!! MAKE UP!!!!, get down here. I want this guy Walker as black as the Earl of Hell’s waistcoat, blacker than OJ Simpson….In fact, that gives me an idea. !!!SCRIPT!!!, give Jeremy a couple of lines connecting this guy with the O J Simpson acquittal. Now, we’re motoring people. I feel a show coming on. And !!!SCRIPT!!!, I know its asking a lot but if you could somehow get some connection implied with Kunte Kinta that would be tops...

Ø      Yes, yes, what is it Carol. Can’t you see I’m creating here.

Ø      Sorry to interrupt, but Mr Walker doesn’t want to do the make up or be asked questions about the you know thing…

Ø      Why the hell not?

Ø      Well, call me picky if you like but maybe its to do with the fact that we’ve changed him from a middle class kid who paid for his one mistake in prison, who stood up to racial bigotry only to be treated with cruelty and inhumanity, and who developed a greener caring view of the value of all life and now what we’re doing is to turn him into some trans-racial freak with a dubious family history who was sacked for something like bestiality and only just escaped prosecution.

Ø      So, so, so Miss Eversobloodyobvious what’s your point….

Ø      Maybe I’m wasting my time.

Ø      Look, if  we got away with Noddies, phone-ins, Blue Peter pets, and Esther Rantzen’s teeth for years, we can swing this. So you just tell him he’s doing it or he’s out, O-U-T, out. If he can’t tell his story the way it should be told he’s history.

Ø      What you mean, out of his own interview, actually not in his own interview...

Ø      Yes, yes, yes..do I have to do everything round here.

Ø      !!!CASTING!!! Get me some black guy who knows how to ad lib on the hoof and how to fake his punches…poor Jeremy’s not going to know what hit him. Ha ha ha…pity we cant’ use that..

Ø      Excuse, me….

Ø      Yes, Carol what is it now. We’re on air in 2 minutes.

Ø      It’s Mr Walker. I think he must have been eavesdropping. Ever so upset. Says he’s got a pain in his chest. My god, he’s collapsed on the floor….

Ø      !!!CAMERA ONE!!! get a close up on his chest, nice and tight now. Come on people, look lively here. Get those first aiders standing by.  No, no, no, not  now..they can wait till we’re on air. I don’t wanna be saying in twenty years time that I was this close to the first live death on terrestrial  TV but missed it.

Ø      Carol, this is a golden medical opportunity. Get the sponsor’s rep on the line…

Ø      Which one……….

Ø      For god’s sake, Pedigree Chum, you anus. BUPA BUPA BUPA, of course. And tell ‘em….

Ø      Come on people, we’re running in 50 seconds….

Ø      …tell ‘em for a £250 grand they can have their logo on the medics’s uniform, Should be worth millions when he recovers…

Ø      Suppose he doesn’t…

Ø      Look, Carol, wake up this is daytime. It’s our world….

Ø      …..20 seconds people, look sharp…

Ø      …it’s our world to make or change. Have you learnt nothing. If he doesn’t make it, we’ll cut back after the initial break and you can jiggle his hand or something and it’ll look like he’s coming to and we can dub in some groans and grunts later.

Ø      10 seconds folks, get ready…

Ø      …Where’s Mrs Walker for god’s sake. Not married, you say. Shit, well get his mother on the line live, don’t tell her what’s happening I want her reaction to be real….

Ø      Five seconds and we’re in. Fantastic..Casualty here I come.