F' Talisker an' Coosh!
God Bless!! an' go bhfoire Dia Orthu!!!
Fans of an ailing and declining football side awoke this morning to the news of yet another foreign takeover of their club. The Vatican Bank announced today that it has reached agreement to take control of one of the former icons of British football. A spokesman told L' Observatore Romano:
' Hey! We 'ere's Papa Benni he loova da vesterns!! Hey! No shit! We don't do no cheapskate cacare fora da Papa Benni! He wants da biggest cowboy outfit in alla da vorld! We get 'im da biggest cowboy outfit in alla da vorld!!! We get 'im Glasgow Rangers!!!' And he unzipped his flies and cried ' Hey! Yousa Protestant sodomita! Suck on theeeese!!
Dismay spread throughout the red, white and blue section of the normally fun loving, happy and harmonious Glasgow football fraternity as the new logo was unveiled depicting His Holiness making an unnecsesserily rude and downright offensive gesture towards a seventeenth century Dutch nobleman. Worse, it appears the Club Shop is now stocking Holy Water; relics of Jock Stein and autographed copies of pictures of the Sacred Heart!!!!!!
The Rev Billy Shankhill - Butcher, of the Crumlin Road Committee for the Cutting of Catholic Throats and current Chairman of Glasgow Rangers Supporters Club, is reported as saying :
' *****!!!**!!***! *****!!!!*!!*!! !!!****!!!!**! ********!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**!!!!'
NA ' RED SOCKS AT IBROX!!!!....... B' ORDER O' JOHN KNOX!!!!!!!!!'
The final humiliation, however, came as the new sponsors were announced. The Italian Retail Association. This will mean eleven stalwart Protestant henchmen taking the field of a week..... with
IRA plastered across their tits!
Slainte!
And my very warmest compliments to you!
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Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 31st October 2007 |
That'd be a good joke. And considering the Vatican's love for football, why not? They could place a statue of Saint Patrick in their stadium.
I wonder what those so called orangemen think of the fact that the princes of the house of Orange nowadays all seem to prefer Catholic girls btw. On his marriage William-Alexander was given a Catholic bible... In Spanish |
Dia ár gcumhdach!
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 31st October 2007 |
A grand craic from your usual fertile imagination, even if it is about as likely as Mo Johnston reappearing in an Old Firm game… as the referee… in a grass skirt and coconut bra.
Like the Italian accent – cheapskate cacare!!! An’ deep-fried t’boot, I’ll warrant… although, for some reason, you’ve now left me with the image of a Pope mooning at the Castle Grayskull faithful and shouting “kiss my ring!”
…on which I must go to bed.
I suggest you drop this in at your nearest Lodge, attached to a brick. Codladh sámh duit … and may your God go with you. |
Dutch Tatties
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 1st November 2007 |
Thanks Ol' Mouse.
Actually it was all that talk of Dutch Tatties that put me in mind of this. I have never been to Ibrox. But I have been to Celtic Park. And to the Vatican. And to Belfast's Linen Hall. I get about, I do.
Slan!
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No Sirbender!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 1st November 2007 |
Thanks David.
I don't think I will be dropping this off at my local Lodge. [ Would you believe it there is one in Saffron Walden ]. God alone knows what the Orangemen are doing here. Their last known public act was years ago to organise a petition against the bestowal of a Knighthood on Sir Michael Tippet on the grounds that he was an 'acknowleged public sinner ' [ Gay ].
Funny old world.
Slan! |
Cross the ball your Holiness!
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 1st November 2007 |
A Local Lodge in Saffron Walden! That sounds about as plausible as Laurie Ashley in Mansfield.. Lovely bit of irreverence as always Gerard. No doubt when your time comes you will be laid to rest at the side of Dave Allen.
Smashing
Roger
PS I don`t know what religion preaches sloth and non-intervention, but whatever it is that must be the one Mansfield Town footballers follow... |
Dave Allen.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 1st November 2007 |
Cheers Wooooooody.
Ah Dave Allen. Alternative comedy before it was alternative. He was banned by RTE- and still is as far as I know. Responsible for the immortal line -on Cork Campus Radio- ' Keep it decent. Th' Pope's listenin''. David Tynan aka Allen. May God rest his soul.[ Unlikely ].
Slan! |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 1st November 2007 |
Enjoyed this, particularly your reference to the "normally fun loving, happy and harmonious Glasgow football fraternity" as well as the additions to the Club Shop.
I've heard that some of those Vatican football matches can get a bit lively, so it would be interesting to see what happens if the Pope does get involved in the Old Firm. I think it would be a long while before the crowds start chanting in Latin though.
Great stuff.
Ben |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 1st November 2007 |
I realised from the pre-amble I’m not exactly the target audience for this and so it proved to be but I couldn’t resist having a look.
I’m afraid all the references to the game of kickball missed me but I loved the idea of the Pope getting in on the act along with the Vatican bank. So we can now expect the manager to ending up hanging from Westminster Bridge should they lose. You even managed to slip in a reference to the IRA; but all the rivalry went over my head.
I’m sure you’ve insulted more than just the pope but my ignorance left me with many questions:- Who is Jock Stein, where is Ibrox, why is Coosh talking in Gaelic, what’s Glasgow rangers got to do with it? It’s so frustrating I know it’s funny and clever I just don’t know why.
Confused of Nottingham
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 1st November 2007 |
I doubt most of the tribes of Glasgow would stop arguing each other long enough to read this and be insuylted. The pope on the other hand, working only Sundays and the odd saintly feast, may stumble upon it. He possibly kisses his own ring - on the way out.
Enjoyed - and yes funny. Made me laugh.
Phil. |
Gregorian Chant..
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 1st November 2007 |
Hello Ben.
Yes, you're right. It may be some time before Ecclesiastcal Latin becomes standard on the terraces at Ibrox. Until then we shall have to put up with versions of ' Kang Bally's gonn' e Fuck th' Poop ', etc., in the venacular.
Thanks for your comments.
Slan! |
Jane.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 1st November 2007 |
Dear, oh dear.
Don't worry about it, sweetheart. Remember your job is to get the sandwiches at half time and make sure the watchers are readily supplied with cans. Oh yes. And to interrupt with suitably inane comments such as ' Ooooh he's got nice legs '. And ' Who are the one's in red?' Just do your job and it will be all right.
PS Its football not kickball. |
Thanks Phil.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 2nd November 2007 |
Sorry Phil. I missed you.
Many thanks. Yes, I don't flatter myself that any 'Gers supporters will bother what I think of them. And why should they! Just a bit of fun while I'm whiling away the hours between jobs. The next coming soon from South Africa would you believe! Yup, South Africa. What I do for art!
More to the point how are those School Poems doing?
Slan!! |
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