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Poetry
Bang
By punchy
02 November 2007


In the corner of a room sits a figure,
her shaking hands cover her ears,
her eyes buried into her cold naked knees,
so wrapped inside her terror
unaware of the clothing hanging off her as though
caught by the thorns of a rose,

she captures a comfort, a smell on
her flesh, as the tears awaken a scent of her past,
memories of childhood, wet salty skin.
once fear preceded comfort,
now it is alone.
her apprehension is torture,
excitement becomes anxiety
and surprise, a rude realisation of mortality.

But its OK it was just a fire work
a f....ng firework!!!



bang

Embarassed

Reviews
hi Will
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 2nd November 2007
a interesting write is this. 
Bernie

Written by Josie (2823 comments posted) 2nd November 2007
An "ear-plitting" firework? Yes, we know them here too, and I've had dogs over the years who have suffered dreadfully. when we were children they didn't have the money they have today. You had about five small fireworks for 5th November and they were put with friends' fireworks just for that evening. You wrote about this in an interesting way. Liked it.

Written by man_in_the_box (13 comments posted) 2nd November 2007
Really enjoyed your writing style, and the strong imagery. Last couple lines of the first stanza - beautiful stuff. I think though (here it comes) that the explanation given in the closing lines spoiled it a little for me. Obviously the point would not come across without them, and this is purely down to personal preference. I enjoy poems with (as yours does) beautiful, clear images that invoke a definite feeling, but where the meaning is unclear, leaving the reader with a little work to do. As I say, I would have preferred it to end with the second stanza, but that's purely because I prioritise it's substance and form to literal meanings.

Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 3rd November 2007
I kind of agree with MITB, but for different reasons. The end part seems to shatter the flow ,and more importantly, the feel you created. 
 
The reader ought to have a little work to do yes, but it shouldn't be too opaque. 
 
Phil
I know
Written by punchy (504 comments posted) 3rd November 2007

Written by punchy (504 comments posted) 3rd November 2007
I must learn not to press return when i'm writing a comment. I agree with you all, I put the ending there to lighten it up, because I've never written a none rhyming verse before I felt a little silly so I was kindof taking the p out of my own poem. If it stands up on its own then maybe I should try to be more serious which isn't something that comes naturally and my little joke was obviously not funny at all :cry

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