I’m a boob man. A few years ago, I decided I had to change. Sometimes I’d be looking and the woman would glare back. I knew if I went on I’d get a stiletto heel in the head, or a kicking from a boyfriend.

So I decided I’d always look away whenever I saw a great pair of jugs. It worked a treat, although I walked into a few lampposts at the beginning.

Then one day, I’m on the train, sitting on one of the facing seats. This curvy woman is sitting opposite me, with a plunging neckline.

I try to look away – my eyes meet those of a really camp bloke, stood by the door. I quickly look away – no, must look away from the norks – and I’m looking at the back of a studenty bloke’s porn magazine.  I look away – I’m looking there again!

Just a few minutes left till my stop. I’ll shut my eyes…

And mumble ‘I won’t look, I won’t look..’

Then sweaty hands grab my shoulders. I open my eyes. The woman’s come over, hoiked her huge melons out of her top, and held them in my face.

‘God-bothering freak!’ she shouts. ‘See a bit of flesh and think it makes you dirty… Shutting your eyes and praying. Most natural things on earth – you sucked on a pair when you were little – not since, I bet!’

Everyone laughs. Boy, am I embarrassed! Just in time, we get to my stop. I mumble my apologies and leave.

I take the bus for weeks. Bummer – my worst humiliation came when I was looking away, not staring. Since then, though, I’ve been cured. Now I don’t look, don’t look away - I’m completely unfazed. The memory of those huge bazoomers will keep me going for a lifetime….