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It was a long road travelled
by the time I got to Mazar
from the crossing of the Oxus and
across the desert waste to Talaquan
then north to Mazar,
City of the Blue Mosque
where I rested and prayed,
my journey not complete
for I must travail Dushti Laila come the morn,
Dushti Laila
that place of bones and mass graves,
where the spirits of the dead,
forever restless
seek revenge on the living,
onwards, onwards, always north to
Maimana and
peace and hope. |
Written by Keller (19 comments posted) 5th November 2007 | This has a very journalistic kind of feel, the list of place names was interesting, but I feel I may have lost something by the fact that I don't know these place names, and, therefore, can't appreciate any reference or relevance they might have.
While the piece creates a fascinating atmosphere, I prefer the last section much more where somewhere is described. I know where you've been, I want to know how these places made you feel.
It feels like the writer/character is removed from where they are going, but they shouldn't be, it was obviously an important-enough journey to write about, and the end section proves this. Maybe this piece would benefit from more emotional attachment - let your readers get to know you. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 5th November 2007 | I liked this, but it wasn't until I read Keller's comment that I realised what was keeping me at a distance. Not particularly the journalistic feel, but the lack of knowledge of all the places you mention. You describe a physical journey, hint at the spiritual and emotional, but there's no personal (inner) journey for the reader to latch onto. Hope that makes sense.
Phil. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3360 comments posted) 5th November 2007 | If the rest of the poem had been as good as the last nine lines it would have been a wonderful piece of work. Initially it read like an objective travelogue but when you started to add some emotional reaction to the places it really came alive.
cheers
Jane | Thanks
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 6th November 2007 | Keller, Phil, Jane for your thoughtful and constructive reviews, they are of help.
I agree with what you have all pointed out, this starts of very factual and dry, not a lot if any emotion, then it changes and some "feeling" comes into it.
prob is i don't know where to take it from here!!
I feel that if I try and insert more emotion/feelings into the beginning I may take away the reality of what in fact was a actual journey, I am lost for words on this one guys.
Again Thanks for the reviews and for taking the time.
Bernie |
Written by Fledermaus (3286 comments posted) 10th November 2007 | An actual journey? So you've been to Afghanistan then? I had to look up those places on the internet, for apart from Mazar I had heard of none of them.
The search made it clear that Afghanistan is a lot more than just a lot of sand where warlords steal eachothers cattle. Too bad that is the image we get presented in the media, not just about Afghanistan, but probably about most of the Middle East and Central Asia. We only hear of the beautiful things they have there after they are destroyed...
Afghanistan seems to have so much to be proud of. They have been at the crossroads of three of the oldest civilizations (China, India and Persia) for millenia, yet all we see are children wearing rags and carrying guns... | hi
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 10th November 2007 | Hi Fledermaus, I worked in Afghanstan for 2yrs over a period of 3 yrs starting in 2001 until 2004, I was working mostly in the far north west in Fayrab Province and based for most of the time in Maimana.
Afghanistan is an amazing place, the history is so rich, the people an amazing mix, I have come across blue eyed blondes and flaming redheads with green eyes, the Hazari people claim that they are the direct desendents from Genghis Khans Armies and legend as it that Alexander the Great left behind a large garrison when he left Afghanistan, you can believe that when you meet some of the people.
Fayrab Province is very remote and very, very poor, when I first worked there had been no rain for three years, draught and abject poverty was common.
in the north the main ethnic mix is Tajiks and Uzbecks.
Bernie |
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