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Shorts
The Looking-Glass
By ianhobsonuk
04 November 2007
 

This started life as a competition entry but has been edited a little since then - ang again after reading GW reviews.


 

The Looking-Glass


©2004 Ian Hobson


The light was fading rapidly, as was the summer, but the evening was still warm. He took her hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze, but then suddenly, he was gone, leaving Astana sitting alone beneath the willow tree. But Astana was used to Valdo’s sudden departures; his habit of melting away, or sometimes, when he was feeling theatrical, vanishing with a loud ‘pop’ or in a cloud of green or orange smoke.


She sat for a while and then, rising from the bench, she stepped lightly along the stone pathway and up the steps towards her cottage. There was a light breeze, and the full moon, now visible as it crested the tops of nearby trees, conspired with them to cast dancing shadows across the garden. Astana stopped beside the small circular pond and, using a spell the old warlock had taught her, she raised and tilted its mirror-like surface, to look at her own reflection.


She was beautiful. Her features were fine, as though chiselled from granite, yet her skin was as smooth as porcelain. In the moonlight her long golden hair shone, her emerald-green eyes sparkled, and her full-length gown of ivory coloured silk seemed to flow over her feminine form like melt-water running over a frozen waterfall.


I have much to thank you for, Valdo.’ Astana’s voice was as soft as falling snow. She stood for a moment then, as she turned away towards the cottage, she let the pond fall gently back into place; causing circular ripples to run from its circumference to its centre, where they took the form of tiny fish, leaping above the surface and returning with a splash. From the shadows beneath a bush, a black kitten raced to the edge of the pond, stopping just in time to avoid falling headlong into the water.


There you are, Caldra.’ Astana had turned full circle and was looking down at the kitten, as it playfully reached with its right paw towards the centre of the pond. ‘You’re not still falling for that trick, are you? You should know better at your age.’ Caldra meowed as she looked up at her mistress, enquiringly.


Yes, Valdo has gone. Though I don’t know why you are so afraid of him.’ Astana reached down to stroke the kitten; and as she ran her long fingernails through the sleek black fur along her flank Caldra purred loudly, arching her back and lifting her tail. ‘Look at all he has done for us. You had almost used up the last of your nine lives, but he’s given you nine more.’


Once more Astana turned and continued along the pathway towards the cottage, now with Caldra skipping along behind her. The scent from the last of the summer’s climbing roses filled the air as they passed through the pergola, and a fresh fall of petals carpeted their way. The cottage stood in darkness, but as Astana approached, welcoming lights appeared in the windows as candles were lit inside. This time the magic was Astana’s own, for though her craft could not quite match Valdo’s, she was more accomplished than most witches.


Before Astana reached the threshold, the timber and iron-studded door swung open, and as she stepped inside, it silently closed, almost trapping Caldra’s tail as she leaped through the narrowing gap. Astana laughed. The newly refurbished cottage had a mind of its own and seemed to enjoy a little childlike mischief now and again.


The dapper-looking grandfather clock in the hallway struck nine, and with a wink, lifted its top hat and bowed stiffly towards Astana, before resuming its regular pose and its steady tick… tock. Astana stroked its polished mahogany frame as she passed, before entering the parlour, where the log fire beneath the Adam style fireplace began to blaze and long velvet curtains drew themselves across the single leaded window.


She looked even more beautiful in the firelight as she crossed the room towards the alcove beyond the fireplace; yet the long shadow she cast seemed distorted. In the alcove was another velvet curtain, but not until Astana stood in front of it and held up her left hand, did the curtain glide silently open, revealing a full-length mirror.


This part of Valdo’s miraculous spell was less than a pleasure, but served as a reminder of the gift he had bestowed on Astana. His words of warning echoed in her mind. ‘Remember, for the spell to remain unbroken you must return to the looking glass, daily, at the appointed hour and gaze upon yourself as you really are.’


The hag who gazed back at her was old and wrinkled; her nose long and crooked; her hair, straggly and grey; her eyes dull and lifeless. And her tattered gown, stained with the grime of years, couldn’t hide the stooping and withered shape of her aged form.


You were almost late,’ the old witch admonished, in a hideous croaking voice. ‘One day you will be late, and then I will be freed from this accursed looking-glass…’


Astana sighed and raised her hand, closing the curtain before her other self could say any more. Then suddenly, the youthful and handsome love of her life was beside her again. And, as she turned towards him and returned his smile, Valdo took her hand and gave it a squeeze.


>>><<<

 

If you enjoyed this story you might also enjoy Astrantian Tales by BedtimeStoryteller ( http://www.greatwriting.co.uk/content/view/11050/84/ )


 


Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1599 comments posted) 4th November 2007
This was reminiscent of quiet a lot of fairy tales, with a wizened witch adopting the persona of a beautiful young maiden (or vice versa), yet I found it somewhat unfulfilling, being, as it was, only a snapshot. 
 
I felt that there were quite a few superfluous words, e.g.  
 
“The light was fading rapidly, as was (the) summer.” 
 
“She sat for a while and then, rising from the bench, (she) stepped lightly along the stone pathway.” 
 
“She stood for a moment then, as she turned away towards the cottage, (she) let the pond fall gently back into place.” 
 
Etcetera. Also, a lot of things seem to happen for a while or for a moment. 
 
Other minor issues and spags. 
 
“The full moon, now visible as it almost crested the tops of nearby trees.” If it hasn’t yet crested the treetops, how can it be visible as a full moon? If you left out 'almost', it makes more sense. 'The full moon now visible as it crested the tree tops.' 
 
“As she ran her long fingernails through the sleek black fur along her flank she purred loudly, arching her back and lifting her tail”. 
The way this is written makes it sound as though it is Astana who is purring, arching her back and lifting her tail. 
‘As Astana ran her long fingernails through the sleek black fur along her flank, Caldra purred loudly, arching her back and lifting her tail 
 
“Astana stroked its polished mahogany frame as she past.” - Passed.  
 
“The log fire beneath the Adam stile fireplace.” - Adam style.  
 
Hope this helps. 
All the best, 
Steve. 

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3564 comments posted) 5th November 2007
Yes I can believe it was originally a longer work. With all the long descriptions and scene setting in it, the story did feel a little truncated and the end did seem a bit abrupt. As Steve said it was just a snapshot we didn't really get to know any of the characters or their background as you concentrated on description. It was beautifully and graphically done but a bit more work on the characters would have made a more engaging story for me 
 
Jane
Thanks
Written by ianhobsonuk (180 comments posted) 7th November 2007
Thanks for taking so much time over your reviews. It’s interesting to see how other people, particularly other writers, can, from a different perspective, spot an ambiguity in a sentence. The competition brief was to write a story in no more than 1000 words starting with the opening line that they gave you (though that’s the part that I edited). In my mind’s eye, the moon was visible through the tops of the swaying trees, hence the dancing shadows. It would never have occurred to me that there was anything wrong with the stroking / purring sentence, but I see it now. I tend to use ‘while’ and ‘moment’ a lot to avoid having to be too specific about time. Stile / style – spelling was never my strong suit, though neither was writing; I’ve come to it late in life. Past /passed - unforgivable! (I must have words with my proof reader) I think I like the suggestion that the story was too short (the same was said about ‘Metamorphosis’ ) as it might just mean that I left you wanting more.

Written by Josie (2844 comments posted) 12th December 2007
I see that you have changed quite a few things since you originally wrote this Ian, so I'm getting the benefit. I'm not as good a story teller as you are, but I would say that you have done a really good job of this story and I, for one, really enjoyed reading it. Not so gruesome as the last one I read, thank goodness!

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