This is my first work of fiction to be shared with others. It is loosely based on an incident in a roleplaying game that I took part in some years ago. It originally had no title as such and the one that I have given it may not be the best, but hey, I'm only learning.
Standing in the darkened doorway was as good a place as any to watch the flow of people such as it was. Most people wisely chose to follow the main street, with its lights, shop fronts and people a few took the back alleys. They were the ones I was interested in. I noted they were almost exclusively male and, from the short stay and emerging from the same side, it was obvious some were violating city by-laws. I didn’t care. I was interested in the other ones, the ones who went in but did not come out. Once it quieted a bit I crossed slowly to the alley and made my way down it, noting possible places they could have gone. There weren’t many. It didn’t take long to find that one was private dwellings, one was a bar and one was a derelict building. I entered the bar.
After the dark of the street the bar was overly bright, I paused to let my eyes adjust then idly scanned the bar. Although it was fairly busy not all of the people I had noticed were in here, and the place smelled. It smelled of sweat, poor quality beer, and cigarette smoke. I walked up to the bar and after scanning the bottles behind the bar ordered a bacardi. I sipped at it and waited, it always happened in these places the question was how long it would take.
It took two and a half minutes, I was impressed. A tall, muscled man wearing jeans, a T-shirt and reeking of alcohol walked, well staggered, over. He had a poor attempt at a beard and an extreme case of body odour. I waited. He loomed over me in what he thought was an intimidating way, I ignored him and sipped my drink.
“We don’t like gays in here.” He rumbled.
“Is that you and the other clients or do you have multiple personalities?” I asked smiling, he looked confused.
“Are you trying to be a smartass?”
“No.” I grinned, “Not at all.”
“Are you gay?”
“Why? Are you short of company”
I watched as what I said sank in, his face started to redden then he swung at me. I stepped aside, lifted my cane and waited. His hand reached behind him in what he fancied was a fast move and emerged with a knife, I backed off. He grinned and lunged, I brought the cane up hard between his thighs and stepped aside from his thrust. He roared and attacked, I stepped back allowing him to blunder past and twisted the cane pulling it apart. In my left hand I held a stick, in my right a three foot long fighting sword. He swung round then stopped dead, looking at his knife and my, significantly longer, sword.
“If I have to use this I will kill you.” I said, “I do not like being insulted but I am willing to put it down to you being drunk. This time. Either sit down or we finish this.”
“Fuck you!!!!!!!!” he attacked, I stepped aside and pushed the razor sharp blade neatly through his windpipe. I stepped aside and let him fall. I carefully cleaned the blade on the back of his Tshirt, put away the sword and walked over to the bar. I took out my wallet and counted out eighty dollars.
“Give that to whoever takes the trash out.” I smiled and left. Now I was in the mood to hunt.
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Written by rui (150 comments posted) 5th November 2007 | Ah, so the stick was a little like Zatoichi's katana? This shows some promise; just a couple of things.
It's all too bold. Normal text is fine.
Your main character goes to the bar and waits for the inevitable. Was it that someone would start a fight, or that someone would call him gay? For the former, consider "I sipped at it and waited for the inevitable challenge. It always happened in these places the question was how long it would take." For the latter, you may need to describe your character some more. |
Written by rui (150 comments posted) 5th November 2007 | My mouse slipped and I hit the "post comment" button before I was ready... I'll continue
"“Fuck you!!!!!!!!”" Perhaps one exclamation mark and more letters, "“Fuck yoouuuu!”" to indicate the shout?
Apart from those, which are really just polishing, it's a great start and I hope you'll post more of it as it develops. | Thanks for the feedback
Written by Scrawl (80 comments posted) 6th November 2007 | First of all thank you for taking the time to read, let alone comment on my story. I did not intend for it to be bold at all, I think the font choice was arial black. I shall avoid it in future. I take your point about the challenge, the other was a reference to the way the character would appear so I shall remember not to assume prior knowledge just because I have it. I can see how the alternative for the dialogue does 'look' more like a shout, drawn out. If this particular thread develops further I most certainly shall post more.
Thanks again.
Scrawl. |
Written by Goddess (124 comments posted) 14th November 2007 | Hey Scrawl,
Thought I'd come have a read since you pointed me in the general direction!
I love how your MC is very calm with his attacks whereas the attacker is evidently less experience and careless with his. The main character's last line was just perfect.
This is good as an opening and would definately love to see some more from you on this one so that you can expand on his hunting. It would be nice for you to expand on your character because I would love to see more on this character.
Overall, very good first piece  Hope to see more soon!
Goddess | A quick review.
Written by wyld_card (30 comments posted) 14th November 2007 | Hello Scrawl,
This would make a lovely opening to a longer piece. Right from the start your descriptions give me a lovely minds eye image of where this story takes place, and your strong P.O.V makes it easy to read. The sword cane is a nice touch giving the character something distinct about them. As the others have said this really cries out to be turned into a longer piece, hope to see more
WC |
Written by Scrawl (80 comments posted) 14th November 2007 | Thank you Goddess and Wyld_card for the positive comments. I am working on a piece about the hunt mentioned in the story although I'm not sure where to go (if anywhere) after that.
The incident described was, as I said in the intro, based on an incident in a roleplaying game. I am leaning towards using that character to continue this with - if only I can find my background material!.
Thanks again for your kind comments and encouragement.
Scrawl. | The mood to comment
Written by John_O (148 comments posted) 23rd November 2007 | Hi S
as others have said a fine intro, but a very sparsh intro. I would like more description of the main character, perhaps some further 'flesh' on his motivations.
Maybe an opening along these lines :- I was restless, the usual distractions seemed too pale tonight, perhaps a little night air would help.
Then go into your first para. There is also a bit of confusing text there "shop fronts and people a few took the back alleys. They were the ones I was interested in. " either a semi colon after people or better a fullstop to clean it up.
Then in your second paragraph is where I would try to insert some character description, have him look in the mirror glass behind the bottles, compare his pale features (or whatever) with the ruddy complexions of the sweaty clientele. This then plays into his waiting to be challenged.
Final paragraph, two 'stepped aside' in almost as many lines. Maybe 'I danced back lightly beyond his clumsy thrust and skewered him through the throat as he straightened up, then stepped aside as his corpse crashed to the floor..'
A good start and better is sure to follow.
John_O |
Written by Scrawl (80 comments posted) 25th November 2007 | | Thanks for the advice and the kind comments John. I hadn't noticed the repetition and, as you say, didn't describe the character who was central to the plot. I'll try and remember to do so in future. Thanks again. | Not bad, but...
Written by BedtimeStoryteller (104 comments posted) 7th December 2007 | If there’s a point to this story I afraid I missed it. Why would this gay bloke go to a bar, carrying a deadly weapon, allow a drunk to pick a fight with him, and then commit murder in front of witnesses. Writing-wise: it’s not bad, except for the second sentence seems to need a comma or, better still, a full stop between ‘people’ and ‘a few’. Also, I think you could improve on ‘quieted a bit’, and make less use of ‘I stepped aside.’
Ian
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Written by Scrawl (80 comments posted) 11th December 2007 | First of all thanks for taking the time to read my story and for sharing your thoughts.
I posted the story based on a few comments, afterwards I was advised to 'finish it off', I had already written and posted a second part which explains at least some to the inconsistencies in this story.
As far as the phrasing and punctuation go I am trying to redraft and combine it with the second part which, I have been told, should never have been seperate.
| Nice opening!
Written by AmeliaWonderland (22 comments posted) 23rd February 2008 | | Very catchy. Wants you to read on. Is there more coming? | Hi Amelia
Written by Scrawl (80 comments posted) 8th April 2008 | | There is a follow on 'The Hunt' and a fusion of this piece and the hunt called 'A night on the town'. Thank you for your kind comment. |
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