I’ve been chewing over this for a while now and have boiled it down to this. It’s had one detailed crit and I’ve made a few changes. I call it a one-sided dialogue. I don’t want to say more, I hope it’s self-explanatory. I’m thinking of sending to some Prod Cos but wanted to get more reaction first. Ta
----I'm grateful to those who have commented and feel I need to add that it was distilled from a much,much longer piece,perhaps I should have put it all up
“I don’t honestly know why I’ve come here. I'm not sure I really believe in all this stuff, anyway. I know everyone seems to be doing it. You can't open a magazine without an article on some new therapy. A friend of mine wanted me to come on a course called 'finding yourself’. I didn't go. Terry says if you want to find yourself just look under the bedclothes in the morning and, there you are. Saved yourself 50 quid. I mean, you could...
………Sorry? Oh Terry, he's my husband. I'm married. I know it’s not fashionable now. I mean look at you, now it’s “Relate”. What was wrong with Marriage Guidance? Terry and I wanted to marry. It means you're serious………..
……….Erm.. let me think; six years, now, this June. I know what you’re thinking but we’re still happy and together.
So I don't really know what I'm doing here. Wasting your time when you could be helping someone with real problems. I'm just being silly. I’m all right really; a caring husband, healthy child, a home. And we’re all right for money, though I wouldn't say no to winning the lottery. I feel silly, perhaps I should go.
……….. Well yes I could murder a coffee. The next bus isn't for twenty minutes anyway.
………..No, just me. Terry couldn't come. Too busy. He's a hard worker, a real provider I don't want to make him out a saint. He's just an ordinary guy. You wouldn't look twice at him in the street. But he's my Terry and I love him. He's not a talker, or a charmer but he is very understanding.
………….Well, that's a tricky one to answer. What does anyone mean by understanding? He's just understanding. O.K well, for instance, he agrees that sex isn't everything. And there's not many men who'd say that. It doesn't mean we don't have a good marriage. We just accept it, that part of a marriage can go downhill after a baby.
……….Three. Liam is nearly three now. We do make the effort now and again. You know; bottle of wine, Chinese, take-away, Marvin Gaye on the stereo. Terry got this sensitive baby alarm, anyway Liam did a noisy great fart, while we were…..you know. Well we both burst out laughing. I mean that’s understanding isn’t it? We can laugh about things.
………..That’s OK, I like instant. You see, that’s why this business with the dog is just so weird ... I really never thought I'd miss it so much. I was always shouting at it when it was alive but now he's gone I feel so sad and weepy. Terry thinks I'm over reacting and of course he's right. Life is for the living…blah, blah, blah. I hate it when he's right. The funny thing is, it was more his dog than mine. And yet he's the one who seems to have got over Seymour's death so quickly and settled in with the new one.
……….. Benson, the new one’s called Benson. He's a black lab just like old Seymour. Little Liam doesn't seem to have noticed. Still it’s different at that age. And they do look so similar. It's odd to see the two of them playing with it so happily.
So I'm the one with the problem. The new dog is fine. He even responds better to me. But it doesn't help. I can't stop this terrible feeling of sadness and loss and it’s getting out of control. I was on the couch watching telly the other evening when the dog rested its head on my knee. The tears just started rolling down my face. I couldn't stop them.
Liam got quite upset and started crying too. Terry actually snapped at me, that's not like him.Things were a bit tense for a while. I think he's a bit scared. Frigid he can cope with, crazy, as well, might be too much! He's worried about the effect it will have on Liam. He's absolutely dotty about Liam; his pride and joy, his son and heir. Nothing is too much for Liam. He's only got to sneeze and Terry has him down the hospital. He's so proud!. You wouldn't believe the photos.
I swear there's hundreds of them. First tooth, first haircut, first potty training. Now, that will be one to show when he starts to bring girlfriends home. He's so obsessed with Liam it makes me feel a bit left out sometimes.
Things reached a point crisis 2 weeks ago. We were in Tescos and I broke down completely. Terry had Liam. I went down the pet food isle and was stocking up on tins when I started sobbing so badly I started to choke. I was uncontrollable. Terry had to take me out. He had a screaming child on one arm and an hysterical woman on the other. We must have had a convoy of store detectives following us.
Haven't dared to go back since. Well Terry's been scarily quiet since. He doesn't want to say too much for fear of stirring things up even more. I'm really doing my best to be normal in front of Him. But I know I'm still not over it. So I did something really embarrassing.
……………..Well, I wrote a poem about the dog. A grown woman and I wrote a poem for a dead pet! I don't know what made me do it. I always hated poetry. Well, I must be mad because it actually helped. I felt better afterwards.
………What?. No! ..No. I didn't bring it. There's no way anyone will ever read it . It's probably total crap. It's the only poem I ever wrote. People like me don’t write poems.So that's it really. Pathetic isn't it? A poem .... for a dead dog. I'm pathetic.I mean it's only a dog . There's far better things to write a poem about.
I mean if you only ever write one poem, it should be for something important. A bloody dog. The dog got a poem……… and Davy almost didn't even get a name. They offered to name him but I chose Davy. Can't remember why.. It's so nice to say his name. Terry would have me back down the doctors if he knew. Stuffed full of pills again.
He thinks it's unhealthy. It's not that he doesn't really care. It’s just the way he is. I can't help him because I can't help myself. I just know there's this burning ache inside me. It's almost like it never really happened. That's what I can't stand.
It's a funny phrase, still born, when you think about it. It goes round and round in my head. He was still born...but still he was born, and anyone who goes through the process of being born deserves some recognition. I brought him into the world. He was mine and I can’t let him go. I feel I can't even say his name, now, at home. And I feel so sad. Never really said goodbye. It was all so rushed when we left the hospital. Terry couldn't get away fast enough.
It's like when the dog died. He got a replacement the same day. Nobody knew what to say, friends and family alike. And, of course, everyone was so relieved when I got pregnant again so quickly. Terry especially.
Sometimes when people are looking at Liam and saying all the usual things. I look at them and start screaming at them. “I’ve got another child he's called Davy. He's beautiful too”'. Then I realise that I’ve just been staring at them. It's all been inside me.
Liam is everything to Terry. I can understand that but he seems to think there’s a finite supply of love and Liam is losing out but I’ve more than enough for both my boys. It won't go away and Terry can't handle that.
……… No, he doesn’t even know I’m here. I'm sorry .
Look, I’ve taken up too much time already. And, as you can see, there is nothing really wrong. I'm sure there's worse than me come here. There must be hundreds of people like me walking round, looking normal and screaming inside.
No I won't make another appointment. It doesn't really change anything, you see, talking I mean. When you stop, it’s still all there. It won’t make things right, It won’t bring Davey back. Like I say I really don’t know why I came, it's not for me. Thanks for the coffee. I'll see myself out”.
|
Hi Jane
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 6th November 2007 | This is a very moving, very powerful story. I like the way you only put in one person's dialogue and leave the reader to decide what the question was - although it took me awhlie on the one "That's okay, I like instant". I'd assumed the question was going to be about sex.
I've never had a miscarraige or stillbirth, but I know women who have mourned for years over their child - probably forever - and I think these days, families are encouraged not only to name the baby but to have a proper funeral.
As far as mourning for a dead dog - I can identify with that, and have written a poem about ours - and it did make me feel better. I think your therapist should have recommended that she write a poem about Davy.
I really enjoyed it, Jane. |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 6th November 2007 | The format threw me a bit and I had to read it twice before I took it all in, but it was well worth the effort. You made effective use of gentle humour to ease us into the story. It seems she is using the dog as a focus for her feelings for her dead child and I'm sure psychologists must have a term for it. I like the way you revealed the main issues and the characters. Like Jean, I thought it was very moving and powerful.
Cheers,
Ben | So glad...
Written by patterjack (1159 comments posted) 6th November 2007 | ... that i have been privileged to read this.
Several members of my family ( medical people , and counsellors ) have read it as well and every one of them is highly impressed.
I have not seen better prose on this site .
patterjack |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 6th November 2007 | The tone of this is established quickly, maintained and developed really well. I like the one sided nature of the structure. You create a very believable and sympathetic character in a short space of time. The line that Jean picks out - instant - is excellent - it serves to ground the piece.
The story was dripped out in pieces effectively and the whole made a great read.
With Brian - a very sharp piece of writing. Full of understated emotion too.
Something did occur. While the structure of this works very well, it isn't long enough to sustain for say, 30 minutes of TV or radio. It is such a strong piece, it could stand much more detail without detracting from any of its positives. I could certainly hear it - if I'd tuned in on the radio, I would certainly have heard it out - but been disappointed by its brevity. Harder to picture as TV - but then I'm not really a TV watcher.
Very good quality stuff.
Phil
|
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 6th November 2007 | Very interesting how in the end it became clear why your narrator was the way she was. As it is in 'short stories' and not in 'non fiction' I do supose it is fiction, so I may be merciless about the main character... Who to me sounded like someone who could indeed benefit from a visit to a psychologist and perhaps even a psychiatrist. Not completely nuts, but on the brink of a mental breakdown, which isn't handy if she is a mum and thus has to be the most responsible and balanced person in the world,.
Somehow it sounded like her life is very, very empty, not just the hole where the other child was supposed to be, but the whole of it. Hence I could understand (but not explain) why she missed the dog so much.
It's clever how you gradually showed more and more of the character, who at first sounded like a neurotic valgirl, then as someone who was totally confused and then, at last as someone misunderstood by the world. |
Written by tpowell (105 comments posted) 6th November 2007 | Hi Jane
what a powerful and emotive piece of writing. I really felt I was inside this ladies head, you have managed to express her feelings of sadness and turmoil brilliantly, she really is on the edge of a nervous breakdown and feels nobody has noticed.
She feels she is allowed to cry for the dead dog but not for her dead son; very, very sad.
Tracey |
Written by TwistedTales (544 comments posted) 6th November 2007 | Sad indeed. She wasn't allowed to cry for her dead child, but was alright if she did so for the dog...my heart went out to her when the character says that her husband has gotten over the death of Davy...and it all happened so quickly..that no one had any timen to say anything...
"Sometimes when people are looking at Liam and saying all the usual things. I look at them and start screaming at them. “I’ve got another child he's called Davy. He's beautiful too”'. Then I realise that I’ve just been staring at them. It's all been inside me."....this was something i felt was very powerful...liked it ...
Regards,
TT |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 7th November 2007 | Thank you all for your comments I'm very cheered and a bit humbled by them.I'm pleased I managed to communicate what I wanted. It felt a bit jumbled to me.
It was so so much longer, Phil, perhaps I should put some back in when I send it out.
thanks again
Jane |
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 7th November 2007 | | What a great talking head. Very moving and a fascinating read. If you are submitting it to someone, there are a few grammatical errors you might want to fix. Ping me if you want details |
Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 7th November 2007 | Quite sad because it became real, which it didn't start off sounding in my head. But as it eased to the meat and bones of her problem you felt her inner scream completely. Throughout this despite it being a female voice I kept hearing echoes of Woody Allen in my mind, it had that same fast pace and dialogue about it. Liked the one sided bit you did it well. The questions were not important.
I love the whole setup but would have liked the beginning to be a bit slower, but guess that was the character. Good stuff. | At first I was confused
Written by ianhobsonuk (158 comments posted) 8th November 2007 | Without first reading any other reviews (or your introduction) I’d say: At first I was confused; was this one side of a telephone conversation? Then I thought, no it’s a kind of Thora Hird-type monologue, except that another person is speaking, but we don’t get to hear what he/she says – which seems odd to me – I would have inserted a few responses, ‘I see’ or ‘And why was that?’ etc. If I were to nit-pick I’d say wouldn’t 50 quid sound better as fifty-quid? And I think stillborn is all one word – spellcheck agrees.
Ian |
Written by Lizzy (783 comments posted) 8th November 2007 | Completely gripping and believable.
I liked the one sided conversation, almost as though she was imagining going to a therapist which just added to the feeling of unravelling. Could she also have delayed post natal depression.
Wonderful piece.
Lizzy | confused comment
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 8th November 2007 | | Ian- I left out the other questions and responses so there was the possibility that she was doing it all in her own mind or re-playing an aborted visit.I wanted to leave it open; sorry if it confused. As for still-born sometimes you break grammatical rules in speech for emphasis but I,obviously, didn't make that clear enough. It's useful feedback,thanks everyone for your reactions. It's fiction based on experience. |
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 9th November 2007 | Jane, I'm sorry I didn't catch this previously. I have been busy. But this is a really good good monograph with real potential.
As I'm sure you are not interested in flattery I will list what I think a ProCo would ask.
Phil has got it right. It is too short. Far far too short. It needs to cut to eleven minutes MINIMUM to get consideration. You need to put in more material. OK |
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 9th November 2007 | Sorry, I missed the key.
More material, OK.
This must be continuous to the story but what you are willing to sacrifice. Frankly I don't think you have much that you would want to sacrifice. Unless, of course, you wrote a much longer piece, and have cut it down.
Whatever. You really need to inflate this. If it is to get a positive hearing. Its good. And would lend itself to indeterminable extension. But it does need to be presented as a piece continuous as per minimum eleven minutes.
What you need is ANACONDA. They would look at something like this. Trouble is they were taken over by some German outfit recently and I am not sure if they are still in the game. I will PM you with a more up to date response.
Slan! |
Written by fellpony (1580 comments posted) 11th November 2007 | | not much to add to others' comments except that I was completely gripped by the poor woman's situation. She's trying so hard to be normal with all that pain inside. I thought the lack of another side of the dialogue worked very well and was not confusing at all. Very, very well done. | Jane!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 15th November 2007 | I've just had an idea. But for some reason the site won't let me PM you. Drop me an e-mail will you and I will reply.
Slan! |
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 24th November 2007 | I wholeheartedly agree with everything that has been said above. A very understated but affecting piece of writing. I could hear it being spoken and hear the subtle changes in her tone of voice. I could almost hear her fiddling with the hem of her jumper in the more tense moments. A very well written piece and a particularly well chosen title. Riveting. We so rarely get to read shorts of yours, keep them coming! Well done  |
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 2nd December 2007 | | Jane, I've only just seen this. I have read some of the reviews above, and go along with them. For anyone who has had dogs in their family, and not just kept an animal for the fun of the family, there is a very special bond between the owner and the dog. They know you as nobody else knows you and can read your thoughts. This is a powerful bond. I still cry for my dogs, and I wrote a poem called "The Most Loyal Friend of All". There is the same simplicity to be found in little children too, and people who like animals usually like children. I'm one of those. The heartbreak this woman feels for both her dog and her little lost child is real in different ways, and I think she needs counselling to help her through, not unkindness. Writing about them, talking about them, coming to terms with death - it all goes together. |
Written by Merioneth (79 comments posted) 20th April 2008 | My mum has been telling me about a show called Inpatient. I haven't gotten round to watching it yet but from what she's told me it sounds like this would fit in very well with the premise of that show.
Basically each half-hour episode focuses on the therapy session of a different character, and then at the end of the week there's an episode about the therapist's session with their own therapist. From what I've heard the show is quite good, and so this kind of thing definitely makes for interesting television.
As for Livinginanattic's observation that the dog is a focus for her grief about her dead child, I am trying to think of the term psychologists would use for that and I'm only coming up with "projection", which doesn't seem quite right. I think whatever it is, it is a fairly common psychological malady.
A stillborn child can have a lot of different effects on the mother. Some, like your narrator, will subconsciously switch the focus to another, less painful loss in an attempt to work out unresolved grief without having to face the true root of their distress.
I've seen websites dedicated to stillborn children. Photographs and poems and very often a lot of reiterations that God chose their child because he or she had some special assignment as an angel in Heaven. I suppose that might provide some solace in the wake of an arbitrary and meaningless loss. Having never been pregnant (that I know of) I can't really say if this is a productive way of dealing with the loss of a child.
I liked the way this story was written. I was able to grasp immediately that "Davey" was her stillborn child, even before reading the next paragraph. I was also able to figure out very quickly that her reaction to the loss of the dog was her grief over her stillborn child being transposed onto another event.
Funny how other people's problems tend to be obvious to others when they are so confusing to the person themselves, like how when a friend tells you about their partner's strange behavior and late work hours you can usually see that their partner is likely cheating on them. I guess sometimes people lie to themselves to avoid painful truths.
~Merioneth |
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