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By Ghost
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10 November 2007 |
The essence of summer's refuge
Cool shade and whispering sough
The essence of morning's dawn chorus
Resounding from copious bough
The essence of remnants of paper
Strewn with the thoughts I conceive
The essence of purification
Cleansing the air that I breathe
The essence of hunger's betrayal
Yielding their harvest of fruits
The essence of ancestral descendants
Tracing the depths of my roots
The essence of guardian angel
Custodians of old planet earth
The essence of coffin and cradle
Adorning my death and my birth
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Written by Josie (2823 comments posted) 10th November 2007 | I thought your poem had a good rhyme and rhythm, but personally I thought that you used the phrase "the essence" too much and I think I might have opened this out a bit and brought in other expressions, especially as you were using it twice in each verse. But quintessentially you had the essence of a good poem. (Trees is plural of tree and you don't need an apostrophe)."The essence of ancestral descendants tracing the depths of my roots" - I liked this. It applies to my husband who is obsessed with it. ha ha.
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Written by tpowell (105 comments posted) 10th November 2007 | I really liked this, I agree with Josie that maybe you overused "the essence" but other than that it is a very well written poem, I especially liked the last two lines, very clever.
Tracey  | Thank You
Written by Ghost (21 comments posted) 11th November 2007 | | Thank you for your comments, I will now try to rectify the essence problem. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3433 comments posted) 11th November 2007 | Can I just be difficult and say I thought the repeated word worked really well for me. It emphasised the messge of the work and added to the rhythm. I thought it unusual and effective.It made the work stand out for me. Hope I have't conused the issue now.
Jane | Dilemma
Written by Ghost (21 comments posted) 12th November 2007 | You haven't confused the issue, just put me in a bit of a dilemma.  | Dilemma
Written by Ghost (21 comments posted) 12th November 2007 | | You haven't confused the issue, just put me in a bit of a dilemma. |
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 13th November 2007 | | I don't think you have over done the 'essence', that is what the poem is all about. Repeating the word drives the message home. Well done. | Essence
Written by Ghost (21 comments posted) 13th November 2007 | To be, or not to be: that is the question
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