written a few weeks ago
and the lack of punctuation is intentional
stanza 2 edited after comment from Josie ...
down from the brain to the fingers
and down to the heels on the board
down the smooth pavement on rollers
and through the grey keys of the word
swoop on the voice like a swallow
roll down the street on a wheel
forward the boat and the tiller
a bridle’s no use if you’re still
skate on the surface of meanings
that double like flips off the wall
you can’t run a poem on spellings
the motion’s the centre of all
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Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 10th November 2007 | | Well put, Sue - but have yhou ever seen a swallow gliding on ice? Here in Yorkshire they've left before the ice comes. (Perhaps glide on the ice like a skater might be better). You poem glides well too. I liked it. |
Written by Phil (6719 comments posted) 10th November 2007 | Liked this Sue. Another for my poetic education! Starting lines with verbs in the second worked really well for me.
Could be the way I'm reading, but the last line in v2 brings me to a dead halt every time I read. Can't put my finger on why.
Phil | Phil
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 10th November 2007 | am I using a metaphor that doesn't resonate with you there? bridle - something used to halt a horse or direct its progress. Neither thing is possible if the horse is going nowhere. Punctuation is only breath-marking and if the words don't move forward, no amount of full stopping, comma-ing and apostrophe-ing (not apostrophising) will enliven them.
OTOH if the line brings you to a halt w'o punctuation haven't I made a point? |
Written by Phil (6719 comments posted) 10th November 2007 | No, the metaphor was fine. In this case, lack of punctuation is fine too - more than well enough written for the reader to suggest their own. I've only ever worried about punctuation, incorrect or missing, when it accidentally (rather than purposefully) obscures meaning. I think, as a personal preference, I'd usually like to see it there - and that doesn't detract from the 'motion.' In fact it can add to it. Leaving it out in this case serves a direct purpose.
Yes, you have made a point, but although the halt fits with the word 'still' extremely well, the cadence there just didn't sit easy with me. As I said, copuld just be the way I'm reading. Incidentally (again, for me) the halt was much more definite than any full stop would have provided.
It's a really interesting piece when viewed as a set of mechanics; which I didn't the first time around. So much of much poetry seems to be about the arty-farty frilliness of life and relies upon that alone to get by. While arguably the most artistic of the written forms, it occurs (see, I'm learning) that poetry possibly has more ugly gears, cogs, springs and such below the words that make the whole thing work. When I write prose, I do think about the mechanics of the piece as a whole, but when I've written poetry, aside from rhythms and any rhymes I may have used, I've generally not considered the mechanics deeply. Probably why my prose is more successful than my verse.
Could be a poem to point poeple to when they say, 'What is poetry anyway?' (Usually not what they are writing.) While I guess some will take issue with what you've put, it does clarify something for me. Without motion (whatever that's defined to be) what's written is probably bad prose.
The problem does arise that many poems have motion, but little else. I suppose if verse without motion is bad prose, then verse with motion but no substance must be bad poetry.
Anyway, still liked it. In fact, now I've sat down and ordered my thoughts into words, I like it a whole lot more. Just proves that reviewing can benefit the reviewer as well as the writer. Something a few other members might like to consider.
I meant to say the first time around, I really liked the first line of the last verse.
Phil |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 11th November 2007 | I realise that the lack of punctuation was intentional but I did find that lack a bit distracting --if that makes sense. You sort of take it in subliminally and when it's not there you [i.e me] feel a little "unsafe" So inasmuch as it made me read it a bit more carefully it worked well. It's funny what you can get away with in poetry. If I tried that in a comedy sketch I'd have the usual suspects in an awful flap. Just when I think I've got a handle on poetry it changes round.
I particularly liked
"a bridle’s no use if you’re still"
It was the perfect metaphor and very vivid, summed it up for me. I agree that the motion is important but it's not just motion, it must be going somewhere. It needs a destination;or is that a metaphor too far?
I liked it anyway
Jane
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Written by Abigail (29 comments posted) 9th February 2008 | I really enjoyed this poem.
Much the poetry I've read on this site has really not been very good, often no mechanics at all and you can feel the author straining for words that rhyme (by the way, I don't mean this as an insult, I for one can't write poetry)
But this has a very strong rhythm, I wanted to tap my feet on the floor as I was reading. Definately carried your theme of 'motion'.
I agree, this is a poem that explains the definition of poetry.
Abigail |
Written by Merioneth (79 comments posted) 20th April 2008 | The first time I read this I misread "bridle" as "birdie". Maybe it was the "swallow" part that tripped me up. No fault of your own.
Went back and re-read it, then re-read it 3 or 4 more times. You've acheived a sense of lyrical motion and a subdued energy throughout. Sounds a bit like an oxymoron, "subdued energy", but that's the only way I can think to come close to describing it.
~Merioneth |
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