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By Ghost
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11 November 2007 |
Dance of the indigenous people
Turquoise and feathered attire
Invoking the rainwater deluge
Turn dust to heavenly mire
Torrents of crystalline cloudburst
Tumble from cumulus skies
Colliding with salt laden teardrops
Euphoria in Cherokee eyes
Entities of tribal descendant
Warlords of ceremonial rain
Cleansing the earths evil spirits
In the realm of transitional plane
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 11th November 2007 | We have our own rain inducing ritual over here. As soon as they start playing tennis at Wimbldon down comes the rain.
I liked this it has an easy rhythm and rhyme and worked well, though I'm not too sure about the last line, getting a bit too metaphysicial perhaps
Jane | metaphysicial
Written by Ghost (21 comments posted) 11th November 2007 | Metaphysicial, this is what the Cherokee people believe.
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Written by Keller (21 comments posted) 12th November 2007 | I love the peaceful, almost hypnotic feel to this, the gentle rhyme and rhythm leads you through a dream-like journey which is, obviously, very suitable to the subject matter.
The only line I felt broke this was:
Globules of liquid precipitation
It's too long to fit the overall rhythm and I also felt that the word 'precipitation' was too clinical, and it leapt out a bit too much. I feel it needs to borrow more from its partner line Colliding with salt laden teardrops. The word laden makes the tears so heavy, so much more woeful, and the rain, I feel, would benefit from a similar handling.
But, otherwise, I like this, you've really captured the right atmosphere. | Globules of liquid precipitation
Written by Ghost (21 comments posted) 12th November 2007 | The original line was:
Torrents of crystalline raindrops |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 12th November 2007 | My favourite so far of yours, Ghost. It has a dreamy quality that suits the words well. For me, the first and fifth lines are a little PC/scientific to fit the piece as a whole. I like your alternative line, above. It does repeat drops two lines later though. Poetry is a real bugger at times. Something I've still to get the hang of.
Phil. | New Line
Written by Ghost (21 comments posted) 12th November 2007 | Taking onboard all your helpful comments, I am trying to rewrite certain lines
Globules of liquid precipitation, as been replaced with:
Torrents of crystalline cloudburst
 | GHOST
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 13th November 2007 | I really loved this and totally agree with you that the spiritual quality must come into it, the Native Americans were a very wise and wonderful people. They knew that if we don't work with Nature we will be destroyed eventually, and to them Nature means not just earthbound things but the deep essence of everything. Pity we didn't learn from them instead of slaughtering them!
Lovely poem, prefer torrents to globules and precipitation sounds like the weather forcast, which is not what this is about. Great stuff. |
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