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By WildeThing
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13 November 2007 |
Hello, new to the community. Poetry often seems to escape me. I love reading it (of course I'm stuck back in the world of Keats, Shelley, and Wordsworth), and I'm in awe of those who can write it well, but writing it is something I, personally, find difficult. So, I gave it a try this weekend, and this is what I came up with. Thought that maybe you lovely writers and reviewers could lend me a hand. Thanks.
The frame jumped
on a sepia mental reel
where movement translated
into jerking carp
and flies that blipped
like planes on radar.
A shambling zoom out;
a clicking pan up
led to cherry blossoms
under which her bones
were to be blown, dictated by
the executor of her will,
an old man
(bent like a bobby pin,
dressed like a dessert mint)
for whom the pale film fish of memory
were struck by a painted tsunami
and turned to the red dragons of story.
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Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 13th November 2007 | Welcome!
OK.I'm now going to pretend I know anything about poetry:
Somehow the fifth stanza seemed a bit out of place. Firstly because it contains four lines, but moreover because you break off the last line of it in the middle of a phrase.
It's an interesting piece, although I'm not entirely sure if I understood the content. But then, that's poetry. |
Written by williamwaldock (9 comments posted) 14th November 2007 | Loved it; particularly "an old man
(bent like a bobby pin,
dressed like a dessert mint)" - evocative and original.
I also liked how the chain of images you evoke lead to the final mysterious ending;
"the pale film fish of memory
were struck by a painted tsunami
and turned to the red dragons of story."
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Written by WildeThing (6 comments posted) 14th November 2007 | Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews. They are greatly appreciated and have been wonderfully helpful. Fledermaus, I think I agree with you about the fifth stanza. I was having the toughest time figuring out what to do with that "for whom." I thought that it might not work with the first line of the last stanza (thought that it might make the line too long), but I think it was much more out of place tacked onto the bottom of the fifth stanza, out in no-man's-land. Hopefully it has a better home now.
As for the ambiguity of the piece, that is something I will have to work on. I always try to make my work accessible, but don't always succeed. That is why I think communities like this one are so wonderful. People can let you know what they do and don't get out of a piece you have written.
I was trying to write something about how distant memory can so often be faded (like an old film reel), and it is when our own minds take over and start turning that memory into something else, like story, that the visions in our memory are painted (and often exaggerated). Hence, the pale fish become red dragons in the old man's head.
Any advice on how to transmit that theme more clearly is certainly welcome. Thank you both again. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 14th November 2007 | You have some beautiful images in here and I like the slow, deliberate pace. However your theme did escape me, I think largely due to the variety of apparently unrelated images crammed into such a small space. I would say either focus on one, or try to use images that link together a bit more cohesively.
Looking forward to seeing more of your work. |
Written by WildeThing (6 comments posted) 15th November 2007 | | Thanks so much, gutterkitty. You've given me some wonderful advice, I think. In fact, your comments, along with the others, has motivated me to really rework this poem. I look forward to reading more of your wonderful work too. I've read some of your poetry already, and I find it to be an inspiration. | Images and atmosphere
Written by Henry (57 comments posted) 15th November 2007 | Hi Heather –
a number of images put into just a few words: things one can do with language is always a miracle.
Creating atmosphere is most important to me, sometimes more than contents: not everone agrees, I know.
Cherry blossoms are a Japanese element (have read your profile...), and the image takes me to Japanese woodcuts and paintings – probably not your intention, but there you are.
Domo arigato – and have a good time!
Cheers - Henry. |
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