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For Children
The Tiny Spaceship -- Chapter One
By HighTreason
14 November 2007
The name of this book will certainly change, but I gave it a name so I could post it and ask for feedback.  When finished, this will be a chapter book for ages 7 to 9.  This is my first really serious attempt at writing children's fiction, so I would appreciate any help.  I have more chapters written, but I will submit them one at a time.  There will probably be about twelve chapters total, each about this same length, pretty short and meant for fairly young readers.  I would appreciate comments on absolutely anything, especially the following questions.  What do you think of the language of the piece?  Is it too easy for readers of this age and thus talking down to them, or conversely is it too difficult for them to comprehend?  Is it too out there for this age group, or perhaps too cliche?  I teach older children than the target age group (around 11 to 13 year olds), but I teach them English as a second language so it's difficult for me to judge age appropriateness, since my students are reading English below their age level.  Of course all other criticisms based on criteria that all writing should be judged on on is also welcome.  Most of all, is it enjoyable?  Would a child enjoy it?  Thank you.

This is Chapter One called "The Busybody."

The Busybody

 

            It was a calm Saturday morning, and 9 year old Alan Staves sat quietly on the staircase reading a book on Australian animals when the doorbell rang.  Alan looked up from his book and brushed a lock of brown hair away from his eyes.

            Alan pressed his pale, freckled face against the staircase railing as his mother opened the door for Mrs. McFlugen.  Mrs. McFlugen was such a busybody.  She always talked about other people and only liked spreading rumors and gossip.  He heard his mother sigh under her breath when the round old woman walked through the door and into the living room.  Alan was getting tired of reading so he sat and listened.

            “Good morning, Amy.” said Mrs. McFlugen to Alan’s mother.

            “Good morning, Mrs. McFlugen.” His mother replied.  “Would you care for some iced tea?”

            “No thanks, dear, I can’t stay long.  I just wanted to ask a question.  Do you know the new neighbors that just moved in next to my house?”

            “I really haven’t had a chance to go meet them.  I have been meaning to.”

            “Well… I can’t help but notice that there is a strange metal object in their back yard, and I can’t figure out what it is.  It’s quite an odd thing, and I am concerned that it may be connected to some sort of shady activity.”

            Alan listened carefully.  He wondered what could be in Mrs. McFlugen’s neighbor’s back yard.  Since he was quite curious, he thought he might go take a look.  He started heading toward the door of the house.  Even though Mrs. McFlugen had said she had to leave soon, she kept chatting away.

            “Oh, my, I almost forgot!” Mrs. McFlugen exclaimed.  “Have you seen the new TV that Pete and Jane just got?  I don’t know how they can afford such things on his salary.  She must be-“

            Alan didn’t hear much more because he was already out the door.  Just as he was halfway down the front porch steps, he heard the door open again.  His mother was standing there.

            “Don’t be long, Alan.  Come back soon.” His mother said.

            “Ok, mom.” He quickly replied as he continued on his way.

            Mrs. McFlugen’s house was not very far away, so he got there quickly.  He saw the large house where the new neighbors lived.  They had a large fence around their back yard, though, so he couldn’t see anything there.  He walked in between the two houses, trying to find a place where he could catch a glimpse into the yard.

            There was a door through the fence in the back.  He tried to open it, but it was locked from the inside.  Alan just couldn’t stand not knowing what kind of weird thing was in the yard.  He tried to figure out a way to see in.  Then, he looked up to Mrs. McFlugen’s second floor balcony.

           On the balcony, there was a telescope!  This is how Mrs. McFlugen was able to see into the neighbor’s yard so well.  He knew it was wrong to go on other people’s balconies, but Alan was just so curious, he couldn’t stand it.  When he saw a ladder against Mrs. McFlugen’s shed, he couldn’t resist.  He got the ladder and put it up to the balcony.

            Alan carefully climbed the ladder onto the balcony and excitedly looked through the telescope.  He could see the neighbor’s back yard very clearly from here.  He also saw what Mrs. McFlugen was talking about.

            In the yard was a large metal thing that looked kind of like a very small space ship!  It was so small that it looked like a big toy.  It had lights all over it, but none of them were on.  It had a small door in it which was too small for even a cat to fit through.

            Suddenly, Alan heard a sound.  It was the sound of Mrs. McFlugen’s car pulling into her driveway!  He ran over to the ladder and grabbed for it quickly so he could climb down.  The problem was that he was in such a hurry that he knocked the ladder over.  It fell to the ground with a loud CLANG!

            “Who’s on my property?!” yelled Mrs. McFlugen.

            Alan was stuck with no way to get down.  He heard Mrs. McFlugen coming around the side of the house as fast as she could.  Now, Mrs. McFlugen could not move very fast, but she would be there soon.  He looked around quickly.  He looked for any other way to get down.

            He seemed to be stuck with nowhere to go!

Reviews
Hello
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 14th November 2007
You must be intending your book for the American market as I see lots of Americanisms in the writing. Am I right? I have to tell you that I thought your first chapter was very good indeed. It was well written and certainly flowed well and kept the attention. Well done.
Are any of them confusing?
Written by HighTreason (7 comments posted) 14th November 2007
Well, I suppose it's not so much that I intend it for the American market as that I grew up in (and thus learned English in) America. :-) I intend for the book to be enjoyable for any English speaking child, so if you see anything that might really be confusing for non-American readers, please do point it out. Thanks for the comment!
Cruel to be kind
Written by BedtimeStoryteller (104 comments posted) 15th November 2007
I wish I could agree with Josie but, except for the Americanisms, I can’t; so if I’m cruel, it’s to be kind. If you want the story to sound less American, avoid ‘gotten’ and use ‘back garden’ instead of ‘backyard.’ 
 
I’d avoid using ‘quiet’ and ‘quietly’ in the same sentence, and try to combine the first two sentences using fewer words. We know Alan is nine, but what else – tall, short, fair, dark? Here you could use more words. Also, Alan’s curiosity should have driven him outside, not boredom. 
 
To me there is too much repetition, and the words ‘back’ and ‘back yard’ and ‘back there’ crop up too often. Again, ‘a small door in it but the door was too small’ – to me a repeated word in the same sentence interrupts the flow and should be avoided if possible. A good cliff-hanger ending but again too many words used (in the last four paragraphs) to describe it. 
 
Perhaps these criticisms are a little over the top for a children’s story, but you may want to get your story past a publisher one day. But these are just my thoughts – always trust your own judgement, because you will never please everybody. 
Thanks for the help!
Written by HighTreason (7 comments posted) 15th November 2007
Thanks, BedTimeStoryTeller. I see a lot of your points and have gone back and edited the story with them in mind. I changed "gotten" but I think back yard will have to stay the same. Many American children would not likely understand "back garden," and I have to choose one or the other, I guess. 
I don't want to spend too much time on physical descriptions of the characters for a book for readers of this age, but I did put some more in about how Alan looks. 
As for the repetition and wordiness, I have gone through and attempted to remedy that. If you get a chance, let me know if it seems better? 
If you see anything else, feel free to let me know. :-)
Much improved
Written by BedtimeStoryteller (104 comments posted) 16th November 2007
Much improved! I like the freckles. 
 
Ian

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