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Science Fiction and Fantasy
The Hunt
By Scrawl
15 November 2007
This piece follows on from my first one and is all about the hunt that the protagonist was in the mood for. 

I'm not entirely sure that it's finished properly, but I'd appreciate any feedback anyway. 

This piece is longer, is not in arial black or bold, and allows a little more insight into the character. (I think). 

Hank parked the car in the lot behind the bar, got out, locked up and sauntered towards the door.  Although he wasn’t yet eighteen he was admitted without comment, he was big enough to be legal, he looked legal and he obviously had money.  In fact, Hank had everything he wanted.  If he wanted it, Daddy paid for it.  He even had his own apartment.  Life was good.

Hank liked the seedier bars, it was easier to get willing girls and at six feet four with the build of a football player, he wasn’t easily frightened.  He often joked that he wasn’t afraid of the dark because he was the biggest, baddest thing in it.  He was wrong, but he didn’t know that.  Yet.

Inside the bar was poorly lit and a small, circular stage, was surrounded by chairs and tables.  Hank bought himself a beer and chose a table that would have a good view but, once the stage lights were on, couldn’t be seen too clearly.  He liked the idea that he could see them and they couldn’t see him.  Over the next half hour the seats and tables filled up with men and beer glasses respectively.  Barmaids started to clear away the empties and take orders, and then the stage lights came on.

Music began to play from a music system that had seen better days, and the first girl took to the stage.  She did her number then left, the barmaids circulated more beer.  Hank smiled to himself and fondled the barmaid while he ordered a beer, she didn’t object.  The music changed to a slow, moody number and the bar went quiet.  That usually meant a new girl or a special.  A low murmur passed through the crowd as large, muscled men politely requested a few patrons to leave and, after they did, locked the doors.  The music picked up and the girls came onto the stage.

Hank looked at the girls and smiled to himself, he knew them both and he knew that they were both younger than he was.  The girls started dancing, and then stripping each other, the younger girl was naked first.  Once the older girl was naked it should have ended, it didn’t.  They went into a sex show as a voice announced that both girls were to be auctioned for the evening, singly or together.

The sex show continued through the bidding, which got fairly outrageous, Hank had no worries.  He got more money in a week than these guys earned in a month; he wasn’t surprised when he won the bidding war.  He made his way to the basement level changing rooms that the girls would be using, on the way he arranged for them to arrive dressed.  He sat out of sight of the door, tonight would be fun.

The girls arrived at the changing room excited about how high the bidding had gone, after all they would get ten percent.  They walked in looking for the client, and once they closed the door they saw him.  Their smiles vanished.  They knew him.  He knew their real names.  Hank smiled.

As he pushed the younger girl to her knees and explained in detail what he wanted from her and her sister, he decided that this would be a perfect night.  Outside the bar, I waited for my chance.  He would have to come out sooner or later, as it turned out it was later which suited me fine.  I watched the patrons trickle out of the bar and head home, then the lights dimmed and the staff began to leave.  I calmly slashed Hank’s tyres.  Finally the two girls came out followed by Hank and another man; I smiled as they left with the older man.  Hank walked to his car as the two girls and the older man drove off in an old pick-up.  

His reaction was predictable, he cursed and threatened and demanded that if whoever had done it was still around they come out and fight like a man.  He was angry. I lobbed a stone through his windshield.  As it cracked, he spun and ran towards where he thought the stone had come from, cursing.  I moved to a different vantage point.  Unable to find anyone he came stomping back to the car.  Now to begin in earnest.

First I sent a small stone into his back, irritating rather than painful.  He bellowed out his challenge again.  I sent the next stone into his headlamp; the broken glass would be useful.  I reached out mentally again, took up a sliver of glass and slashed his shirt.  He cursed, but his voice was no longer as confident as it had been.  I slashed again, drawing blood. He ran for the car, fumbled out his keys and let himself in; I slashed  his arm first then the upholstery.  He let the keys go, bad mistake.  I mentally grabbed them and hurled them into the dark.  Showing an intelligence that I wouldn’t have given him credit for Hank slammed the car door, locked it and stayed sitting in the car.

I made my way to the car and tapped on the roof, he almost jumped out of his seat.  I dangled a set of keys – not his – and smiled inquisitively.  He opened the door.  I lunged, baring my fangs.  Dinner is served.


Reviews
Me Again.
Written by wyld_card (30 comments posted) 15th November 2007
Hello again, 
I enjoyed this piece more than the last one. I know technically they are the same story contiued, but we see a little deeper into both the characters mind and world during this one.  
 
The first half in which we follow Hank has some nice discriptions and touches, but it was the second half the actual hunt which caught my attention. It was very well handled, and made quite an exciting read. I most say I loved the last paragraph. 
 
It might be an idea to run the two pieces into one longer piece, but any way very well done. 
 
WC

Written by Goddess (124 comments posted) 15th November 2007
Fantastic tone! I love the whole ‘Daddy paid for it’ ‘Life was good’ which juxtaposes the first part with murder and death and blood, etc.  
 
Good. I like the reference to his money and then that he likes ‘seedier’ bars and a reference to his size becomes important to the plot – his imminent death. I like how you end the paragraph on ‘Yet.’ Very final. Lovely use of plosive words ‘biggest, baddest’. Despite only just beginning to have a crack at writing you are very good at it! 
 
Good use of description. I like how you break up the paragraphs – makes it much easier to read. I hate read description in big chucks. I like each bit of detail especially the part about where he chooses his table through logic. I also love the fact that he knows what a change of music means, shows that he goes there more often that you’d think. 
 
Good use of short sentences and repetition to create excitement and tension, etc. Perhaps (just a suggestion) you could write ‘They knew him. He knew them. He knew their real names.’ Perhaps a little shocked to how young these girls will be if they are younger than him and he isn’t yet 17 – I guess that’s the point though. Would almost make me glad he’s going to die... again, that’s me stating the obvious. 
 
 
I like how your main character provokes him and ‘lures’ Hank. I like your characters playfulness and the tone is perfect – I love ‘sent a small stone into his back, irritating rather than painful.’ 
 
Hmmm... the fight scene (second to last paragraph) is the only bit I have a problem with... maybe make Hank more urgent to fight to get away, good use of words ‘bellowed’ ‘fumbled’... etc... but I still think it might need a little more desperation and as a result you can have your predator play on that a bit more. Also – you use ‘mentally’ twice (I assume this is telekinesis?) perhaps try to use two different words.  
 
I would change nothing about the last paragraph, absolutely classic and very impressive, the simplicity works fantastically and the last line is perfection! 
 
I absolutely loved this and the plot is fantastic! Can't wait to see more. 
 
Goddess x 
Well written, but
Written by BedtimeStoryteller (103 comments posted) 29th November 2007
I’m reviewing this as a single story, as I’ve not read the previous one. Up to, Outside the bar I waited for my chance, this was very well written. But then it gets confusing: how would the storyteller/creature waiting outside know what was happening inside the building, not to mention, inside Hank’s head? And why was Hank chosen as the victim? 
 
Ian 
Guiseley, UK

Written by Scrawl (80 comments posted) 1st December 2007
First off thanks for taking the time to write a review. I hadn't noticed that I'd slipped from one viewpoint to the other, that was clumsy of me. Should've been a separate paragraph. As for the emotions I should have described the physical signs of them, again a slip up on my part. I never even thought to include the motivation for choosing Hank, again its a learning curve. Thanks for your help on making it less steep.

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