|
By JohnFHamill
|
|
16 November 2007 |
|
Without you the summer will be long
If you think I'll forget you you are wrong
Without you I'll be all alone
But at least I can talk to you on the phone
I am yours and you are mine
I'll think about you all the time
You and me and me and you
Together we will see this through
And you have no need to fear
If you need me I'll be here
If you need me I'll be there
To let you know I'll always care
|
Written by Josie (4035 comments posted) 16th November 2007 | | It is always sad when one person tries to force their beliefs on another and dominates them. It sounds as if you were really responsible. Perhaps mother would be happier if she knew you were married, so why not pop the question and put an end to all her worries? This is how it always used to be and it worked so well. In my case we have been married almost 40 years very happily. Now - to the next part of the story - - - - we wait with interest. |
Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 16th November 2007 | Hm... In spite of the common belief, I do not think the Vatican outlawed protection. For what I know Benedict XVI himself was going to consider the matter as to wether it is allowed or not, for it was a bit undecided. Although somehow I don't think such theological questions were the mother's main concern...
The rhyme is nice, but it also makes this poem sound a bit awkward. | Work on it
Written by bwoz (139 comments posted) 16th November 2007 | John,
I think this poem would work better, much better, if you forgot about capturing rhyme. It seems very clumsy, like you tried to make rhyme, so you had to use certain words. Metrical poetry if very difficult to do well, for most writers.
I don't get into the religious aspect of poetry, just look for something that touches a nerve in me.
Of course, this is all just my own opinion, and you don't have to change a thing, but I think if you remove the emotions you have about that situation and write about it like you witnessed it from outside yourself it will help the reader feel more attachment to the situtation.
Keep writing
BW |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
