A few issues with this one (help muchly appreciated!).
1) I think this piece works a lot better without the introductory lines:
I strain your voice through the receiver
drain each epithet of love
like a pouch of camomile tea.
but I don't think it makes any sense without them.
2) "Kiss" used to be rays, and I can't decide which is better.
3) Title?!
I strain your voice through the receiver,
drain each epithet of love.
Press temperate drops to tongue-
wrist-temple. Someday I’ll wish that I could tip
you into my heart, feel you steam there,
seek out the split between lips
as hot mist in sharp air.
That you could warm my toes
and caffeinate my veins
as only the best black coffee can.
Send fingers wriggling out of gloves
(coats crashing
to the
floor)
and eagerly searching out skin
as blades of grass aching forth
into the first kiss of spring-sent sun.
|
Written by punchy (384 comments posted) 19th November 2007 |
Its very beautiful, warmed my cockles! I like kiss more than rays but I am a lady and the men would probably differ. Its less obvious but still lovely without the first verse but you could always use the title to explain the subject.I like the pouch of camomile tea line and really like the caffeinate my viens.
Paula |
Written by Phil (6439 comments posted) 19th November 2007 |
Quite like this GK. I see what you mean about the first three. Without that reference, the split lips etc seem to be in the wrong place when you mention coffee. Could you rework it without reference to one of them and put it earlier?
I'm not usually a fan of lines set to suggest - but I think it worked very well here. I like kiss, but threeesses on the trot trips the tongue a little - mine anyway.
Just reread it. That line about coffee sticks out a little to me. Too grounded and it took me away from the poem to thinking about beans and coffee houses etc. Again, could be me. Camomile tea doesn't do that - at least to be. It seems a little more gentle.
Hope this is of some use. I always hesitate to advise on how to write poetry, I struggle so much myself. Take with a pinch of salt. It was just what occured to me.
Phil. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 19th November 2007 |
Thanks guys. I didn't notice how many s's there are in that last line until you pointed it out Phil. Although rays is a bit ssy as well :S
Good point about the camomile tea, I knew it was wrong somehow. The black coffee line is a little less...say lyrical? than the rest of the piece, but it's meant to be kind of grounded and forceful in a way...a sort of contrast between the romance in a relationship and the underlying desire.
How about:
I strain your voice through the receiver,
drain each epithet of love.
Press temperate drops to tongue-
wrist-temple. Someday I’ll wish that I could tip
you into my heart, feel you steam there,
seek out the split between my lips
as hot mist in sharp air.
That you could warm my toes
and caffeinate my veins
as only the best black coffee can.
Send my fingers wriggling out of gloves
(coats crashing
to the
floor)
and eagerly searching out skin
as blades of grass aching forth
into the first kiss of spring-sent sun.
|
coffee grounds
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3186 comments posted) 19th November 2007 |
Surely coffee has to be grounded or you can't make a drink out of it. I suppose it it's too grounded it would go through the filter but then Phil might be right.
I liked the second version better, though the first two lines didn't work for me as a metaphor ,and didn't go with the rest of the poem which was more elegiac and lyrical in style
Jane |
Written by Phil (6439 comments posted) 19th November 2007 |
I do prefer this, seems to work better - though I'm still a little at odds with 'coffee.' Probably just me. (Would it work without that line?)
Anyway, I like it. Me fiddling around with other people's poetry isn't the best of ideas in all probability.
Phil. |
Very Nice
Written by Ghost (21 comments posted) 19th November 2007 |
| Very Nice, I like the way you write.... |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 20th November 2007 |
BBS- we're punning now? No-one told me that we were punning...I feel like I've missed out 
Afraid I don't understand what you mean about the rest of the piece being more elegaic and lyrical...I kind of thought it was the other way around! A further explanation would be appreciated, if you feel so inclined.
Phil- I think it would work without that line, but I stick to my guns in that I like the way it's a bit more grounded, because sexual desire usually is. Well more so than love at any rate.
Ghost- thank you  |
Loved it
Written by Amelia (30 comments posted) 5th December 2007 |
This was fantastic. I love the contrast of winter and spring, sleep and awake, etc. You have the rare talent of producing unusual descriptions of love. I like the first two lines, as they ground your poem physically, to give the rest of the more abstract lines weight and presence. I also prefer kiss to ray, as it ties your metaphor back to the real subject of the poem.
Amelia |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 5th December 2007 |
| Thanks again Amelia. I'm liking that you take the time and effort to explain your comments in detail- it's very useful for me. There is a mix of the abstract and the real in this, which I hoped to pull off, so it's nice to know that you think I managed it. |
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