Ultimate Slimming Aid

The secret that all obese cake-eaters crave has finally been unveiled: home-style baking that gives the illusion of filling up the eater while actually promoting weight loss.

Newcastle bakers Dabbit & Swallow revealed yesterday that their rock cakes are under scientific test with the Royal Victoria Hospital as part of their trial of weight-reducing foods. As news spread, across the North of England queues of fatties formed outside D & B’s small bakery outlets, all eager to snap up test batches of the stock.

“Whey it’s fuckin greet, man,” said Harry “Beer Barrel” Honeyman, 42 stone. “Ah can eet aall I went, and Ah acshully lose weet.”

“We can’t reveal the exact ingredients of our rock cakes,” said managing director Keith Dabbit, “though I can give you a clue – they float. But the main concept is that the moment you swallow a bite of one it begins to shrink, until by the time it’s reached your stomach it’s lost 42% of its original calorific value. But it still gives the impression it’s the biggest thing you’ve had all week.”

Dabbit admitted that he had got the idea from his bank, hence the trade name of Northern Rock Cakes.