Follows from "you yi tian", http://www.greatwriting.co.uk/content/view/11320/77/
I don't believe I have the ability to write an "extended work" so development of this is likely to be a series of short stories.
Many thanks to Fledermaus for his input. Thanks for reading.
When Rain awoke he was on fire. Flames lanced
his body bringing great pain. He could feel the skin on his back
shrinking and tearing, his hands and legs burning. His eyes saw only
fire and smoke and his ears, burning, heard the shouts and jeers of the
people, and a screaming voice. His own.
Time passed and Rain became aware the flames were dropping, as cool
rain bathed his ruined skin. The only sound left was his screaming.
Shapes hovered in the space in front of him, sometimes taking the form
of people. Long Liu was there, sometimes others; always shifting like
faces seen in the clouds.
"Baba!" Rain called, recognising the father's face he'd long
forgotten. In answer warm, bitter liquid filled his mouth and throat
forcing him to swallow, or be drowned.
Long Liu was sitting there, with a girl. Both their faces were
drawn tight with anxiety. Rain looked around. He was in a small room
with a small window closed fast against the night. He was heavily
wrapped in blankets soaked with sweat and vomit and other things. Long
Liu nodded to the girl, who dashed out of the room. Rain heard her
footfalls as she ran away from the hut.
"Drink this, slowly" Long Liu ordered, pushing a battered horn cup
towards the boy with the rest of the medicine. Rain struggled with the
blankets and reached for the cup. He gasped when he saw his arm reach
out. It was whole.
"The guards came to take your body, but could not find it and
raised the alarm. My company was ordered out to search for you, with
orders to search all buildings in the area and comb the countryside.
When the riders could not find you, notices were posted all over town
promising ten thousand pieces of silver to the one to bring you in,
alive or otherwise. Nearly every dwelling in fifty li of here have been
searched by force. When it became obvious that you were gone, the Great
Master told the school that you had returned whence you came and should
be sent your body. They burned your effigy last night."
"I felt it. I could hear people laughing as I burned!" Long Liu's
eyes widened in shock. Rain was starting to cry at the memory,
"You have been here the whole time, Rain! I waited for a long
time at the north gate. I heard the two guards talking to the
gatekeeper as they came past and went to find you. I brought you here.
This place has been... forgotten."
"How...?"
"Nearly three weeks, Rain. The Great Master believes that, despite
your care, some of the deadly poison still got onto your skin. It was
not enough to kill you, but... here you are. The Great Master has
returned to Guangling. He says you know what to do next."
"He told me to-"
"DON'T TELL ME! I don't want to know!"
Rain's recovery was slow - the poison had left him weak and
unsteady. Unable to fight or ride a horse, he would be easy pickings
for thieves, bandits or for those cursed men that like to prevail upon
young boys. When Rain began his journey, autumn had already laid down
its red carpet of leaves. He had not gone far before the girl from the
hut caught up with him, dressed warmly in boy's clothing.
"Father sends me to guide you. I will go with you to the edge of Chu."
"Why? I don't need you!" Rain felt insulted, as if his old benefactor didn't trust him.
"Father says you might still need medicine. I know how to make it.
Father says you don't know the way. I have studied all the maps. Father
says that -"
"Damn what your father says! All he's done is kept me locked up
in that room drinking bitter tea and eating eating eating and what? As
soon as it's cold he throws me out! I have to WALK! He could have given
me a HORSE! I could have RIDDEN! He didn't even want to know where I'm
GOING!" Rain's frustration poured out of him. Resolutely, the girl
carried on,
"Father says that most people will have forgotten about you, but
some might remember the ten thousand silvers if they see a boy walking
alone, and definitely remember a boy on a horse. How could you afford a
horse? Two boys walking together won't draw so much attention. Father
can't provide you with a real boy, as my brothers will be missed from
school, but I can go!"
"You're just a girl!" Like lightning, the girl rocked back and
around, hammering her foot squarely into Rain's chest. Off-guard, he
was lifted clear off the floor and thrown back a couple of metres, onto
his rump.
"Sooner that than a weak little boy!"
Bruised, Rain didn't rise to the challenge. He dusted himself off,
shouldered his sack and began to walk again. The girl caught up and
walked alongside in silence. As they walked, Rain kept glancing from
the corner of his eye at the girl. He had never really spoken to a girl
before. Sure that summer all of them had joked about girls and having a
crush on the girls nearby the school, but while Rain joined in, he
didn't really understand. The person walking alongside him looked like
a boy, just, a very pretty boy. With eyes that sparkled like the moon
on the river.
"What is your name, girl?"
"My name is Hope."
----
"But Grandfather, I don't understand! Why was Rain made to leave?"
"Child, this was a time before Heaven had his Sons, before the
wisdom of Master Kong was truly accepted in Jinling-Yi. Men sought to
gain power and prestige for themselves at whatever cost to others.
Lying, cheating and death were the currencies of power: even in a small
school outside the city walls there were men of great ambition. When
they became aware of Rain's potential, they became frightened. In the
small-minded world of the school, they saw not his value, but his
threat.
"It is lucky for him that there were some sages left in this world."|
Good luck!
Written by Henry (57 comments posted) 22nd November 2007 | Hey rui,
thanks for "you yi tian zai zhong guo" -
"What is your name, girl?"
"My name is Hope."
I understand from this final line that more is to come.
Great.
Wonderful, simplistic but careful language.
Well done!
Cheers - Henry.
|
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 23rd November 2007 | I want to know how it continues :-) Of course you already told me a few things, but it's a very enjoyable read. How the language sounds to a native Englishman I don't know, but I think it suits the atmosphere.
A rather strong girl for that age. Yet of course she's the daughter of a high ranking soldier, so she might have that from her father...
:-) |
Written by rui (150 comments posted) 23rd November 2007 | I'm working on it. It doesn't help that my laptop computer is several years old and has more airmiles than God. It overheats and turns itself off every half an hour or so - then I'm restricted to using PSP to read internet.
The girl is perhaps a little older than Rain, not by much but at their ages months make a difference. In wushu technique counts for more than strength. A small girl well-trained can do a lot of damage  |
Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 23rd November 2007 | Not one of my favourite genres, but generally well written. The only pointer I can offer is about the paragraph beginning:
The guards came to take your body,
It's there to fill some background in for the reader - but I wonder if it might be done in another way as it does stand out (for me) as a little unnatural, an obvious devise. At that point I was drawn out of your story, not in.
Hope this helps.
Phil. |
Written by rui (150 comments posted) 23rd November 2007 | Many thanks for the advice, Phil: was it just that clause, or the whole paragraph that jarred you?
Reading back over it I can see that it's a bit clumsy. I'm not sure, though, whether to extend the conversation to introduce the information more slowly, insert a flashback, or just cut it. Which would you vote for?
rui |
Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 23rd November 2007 | It was the whole paragraph. (Sorry!) I haven't gone back to read 'You Yi Tian,' so I'm not sure how vital the information is. If it were a script, you could probably get away with a conversation to get the information across, not sure about in a narrative. That leaves flashback or slow release. (for me) In the end, it's your call. I guess it has to fit in with the style and feel of the whole. A personal preference would be for slow release - the old: show, don't tell argument. How that would fit into your overall plans, I don't know.
Phil |
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 24th November 2007 | Some wonderful imagery here and some very poignant moments. I haven't read what this follows on from but as a piece of writing i think it was generally well executed.
"What is your name, girl?"
"My name is Hope." - there is something quite moving and enticing about such a simple exchange.
Some great dialogue. I very much enjoyed the style of this piece. If you keep developing this of course you have the ability to write and extended piece ,because you will have done it! Keep going  | HI Rui
Written by jean.day (2323 comments posted) 25th November 2007 | I was drawn in by this story, although it seemed quite strange to me in the beginning, but I became more comfortable with the style as it developed.
I will go now and read the one I should have read first. | Many thanks to...
Written by rui (150 comments posted) 25th November 2007 | i) Phil for much needed technical advice. I'm thinking of stripping that whole paragraph to,
"Hush, you're safe here. The guards came to take your body, but could not find it. Instead last night they burned your effigy last night."
... and putting the back-story into a different section. Better idea?
ii) Gill21, to whom I owe an apology, as I've started reading your latest work, "a harvest moon" three times and always been interrupted before I got to the end. I promise I will finish it!
iii) Jean, for both reviews to this and "you yi tian". I'm trying to capture the essence of old stories, but... I really don't know what I'm doing. Many thanks for the positive encouragement and any advice you can offer on how to proceed, or bits that really don't work, would be most appreciated. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3433 comments posted) 25th November 2007 | Ok, I’m not sure this is wise but here goes:-
Firstly, It might encourage readers if, instead of the link to the previous work, you gave us a brief resume of the story so far, to orientate the reader. It was a while ago that you posted.
Like Phil this isn’t my genre of writing but it had a style of it’s own. It was simple and sparse, without grandiose descriptions, which kept us focussed on the story and characters. I like that. Having said that I felt it lacked sufficient context to anchor the reader. I found it hard to visualise the context in which the story was happening. It was making me work too hard. I was a bit confused by the flames and the rain, and wasn’t sure if they were real flames and rain or just a metaphor for his condition or his fevered mind. As I say it’s not my genre and maybe that’s how things are done.
I thought he started his journey without enough explanation. It was a sudden jump in narrative.. I know you filled in a bit of the story with the conversation with the girl but I felt it left too many questions unanswered. I felt it was handled a bit too sketchily.
I did enjoy the interaction between him and the girl, that was the best bit for me. It was interesting and played against expectations. We learnt a bit about both of them and engaged with them, something that I hadn’t done until then.
I do think it would benefit from a little more dialogue. If done well it can tell us a lot. And you seem to have a good ear for it.
jane
|
Written by rui (150 comments posted) 25th November 2007 | OK so the first half needs some fairly drastic rework. When you say "context" do you mean the period of history, so what was happening outside the story, or just the context for the characters (how and why they're related)?
I ask only as I'd hoped the first part set the characters up and the second extended them. I can see, though, that it's not well done and I've some work to do to join them smoothly and fill in a lot of gaps.
Jane, many thanks for your analysis. It's thorough and gives me some good ideas for how to continue.
"As I say it’s not my genre", showing my ignorance, I didn't know it had a genre  |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3433 comments posted) 26th November 2007 | Everything has a genre. I'm sure you know what it is. It's how bookshops stock their books.
I wouldn't say drastic, you don't want to dilute the style of the work.
I meant the context of time and place and how the characters fit into their world. You don't have to be too specific and it could be layered in as you write. Often lack of context is a good way to create interest and curiosity in the beginning. You do need to orientate the reader after a while.After creating curiosity you need to create concern so we commit to the story and that is usually by bonding with the characters which is why I liked the interaction between the boy and the girl
Of course some of the critical points will be answered as the story builds, so only you know how valid the criticism is. |
Written by TomOBrien (68 comments posted) 29th November 2007 | Very good story rui. It seemed to hit its strider right off. I was drawn right into it. I love the fact that his travel companion is a girl. A girl that was able to drop him yet. (The martial arts kick) Bravo!
Well done friend. Looking forward to more.
Tom OBrien |
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