I wrote this ages ago and am trying to get started on poetry again. Will be interested to hear what anyone thinks.
After the rain
the streets were skied with blue
we walked as the angels do
on stone and water
A handful of rooks
flung on the wintry air
their wings fingered the wind
colours of the day
pale as snowlight
sharp as goodbye
we are happy in moments
like cars on a wet night
bright and passing
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Written by stevetroster (1588 comments posted) 22nd November 2007 |
Short and sweet and not a word of nonsense in it.
Some excellent images and metaphors - particularly liked:
their wings fingered the wind
&
like cars on a wet night - bright and passing
All the best,
steve. |
Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 22nd November 2007 |
Liked each verse of this. Each one a little like a haiku. Not entirely sure if they all join together as one flowing piece - but that takes nothing away from it.
Enjoyed
Phil |
ooh
Written by seaJane (23 comments posted) 22nd November 2007 |
thanks chaps  |
Written by tpowell (105 comments posted) 22nd November 2007 |
Hi Jane
I found this to be quite haunting, agree with Steve, there are some beautiful metaphors and images.
Tracey |
As above .......
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 22nd November 2007 |
I envy people who can put their words into SHORT 'pictures' like this
(me Mam always said I talk too much!  )
I too thought of the Haiku form [which I realise this ISN'T due to the syllables-per-line count!] but it resembles it and for me it's deadly effective! Looking forward to more contribs from you!  |
Written by fellpony (1647 comments posted) 23rd November 2007 |
| agree with the preceding - a neat series of observations well expressed. You have skill and don't overplay it. I wonder if there is anything else that could have come through; was there a special poignancy in the moment, which the rainwashed streets conveyed to you? was there a parting or a reconciliation? It would be nice to have some more. |
beautiful
Written by no1butClo (338 comments posted) 23rd November 2007 |
easy to relate to, agree with all compliments above
well done
clo x |
Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 23rd November 2007 |
Agree with other comments, nice simple but effective imagery.
Good one
Lizzy |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 24th November 2007 |
| Sweet indeed. Very enjoyable |
Hi
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 24th November 2007 |
excellent, loved it
Bernie |
Understated and lovely
Written by Amelia (36 comments posted) 21st January 2008 |
This was perfect. I especially love this:
"we are happy in moments
like cars on a wet night
bright and passing"
You have the gift of powerful imagery in few words.
Thank you.
Amelia |
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