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Poetry
lighting up time
By no1butClo
23 November 2007
Rip it to shreds, please! =D

He wanted to talk until day broke
our vigil of opinions and theories,
emotions and alcohol.

We could have sat there
cross-legged like children,
and wondered at the bare trees'
patterns on the sky in autumn,

or simply discussed the wardrobe
of every friend at every party,
and every passer-by, for hours.

But the threat of morning
scattered each coherent topic
into all its separate words,
so by eleven thirty we began to stutter.

We were creatures of the evening
he and I. Beings who only became
conscious under moon, or star,
or streetlight; controlled, monochrome.

In the sunshine, our light-bulb thoughts
seemed meaningless, so we waited
for daytime to give way to something
brighter.

Reviews

Written by Fledermaus (3492 comments posted) 23rd November 2007
Watching the sun rise is romantic too ;-)

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 23rd November 2007
Nice roundness to it - but a little detached. Could just be my response to it of course. (God, how I hate going first.) 
 
Really liked: 
 
But the threat of morning 
scattered each coherent topic 
into all its separate words,  
 
But there were bits around the middle that (for me) padded rather than added - that's not supposed to sound glib.  
 
Sorry, saying what you like is easy. As I'm no poet, saying what may not be quite right, is very difficult. 
 
Hope my ramblings are of some use. 
 
Phil

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 24th November 2007
Agree with Phil. A really nice piece, but could do with some refining, e.g. do you really need the first stanza? Emotions and alcohol seems like a bit of an obvious phrase. Also I would take the "for hours" of stanza 3 and insert it after "discussed." 
Stanza 4 seems especially strong to me, though I don't know what the "Controlled, monochrome" of stanza five is trying to say. 
As for the last line, it seems clumsy. How about something like "and set our own sun" instead?
Hi
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 24th November 2007
I do not see anything to tear apart with this good written piece, down to truth. 
Bernie

Written by Matthiasrising (37 comments posted) 28th November 2007
I have to agree with maipenrai. This is very good. I'm not particularly fond of a romantic piece, if indeed that was what you were going for, but this is different. You use phrases like "controlled, monochrome" and the entire last stanza to create a feeling that the whole rendezvous was very contrived and cold. But then your characters are aware of this. It was ironic for me that you became truly alive with him not in complete darkness but in illuminated night. 
It was the sun itself that threatened and broke your thoughts.

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