My Grandma used to say about people with small mouths "they had a mouth like a chicken's arse" or call them "hen hole mouth." People with bandy legs "couldn't trap a pig in an entry." When people had buckteeth, she'd say "I bet they're paid to put patterns on pie crusts." When people owed her money, she would tell them to "see me straight when you've got your glasses." If she wanted to mug you, it meant take you out or buy you something.

She had fifteen children. My mum was the youngest. "I couldn't wash his trousers without getting pregnant," she'd say.

Grandma owned a painting of John the Baptist by Guercino, a wedding present from her father. She never hung it on the wall. "His hands are all wrong" she'd say. It was kept in a room at the top of the house, blocking the draft from the fireplace. Her favourite song was ‘When You're up in the Corner' which she would play on the piano every Friday after several glasses of whisky. Every cat Grandma owned was called Digger. She nicknamed the local pub the Glue Pot because "once you're in you can't get out."
 
The worst words Grandma ever used to say were on a Friday night, five minutes before the start of Wonder Woman. The dreaded "One of you will have to go the shop". "Grandma! Wonder Woman!" We would look pleadingly from her to the TV. "It's only for an onion" she would say, as if it would make a difference. My brothers and cousins who had no heart between them would look away but I could never disobey Grandma. So it would be me, still in school uniform, running to Mick and Bridie's shop, legging it back in time for the opening credits and joining in when Lynda Carter did that spin. We had our own version of the truth rope - the cord from Uncle frank's dressing gown. One of the younger ones, usually my brother Richard, would end up being tied to the piano leg for fidgeting during the show.

Grandma had 56 grandchildren and never forgot a birthday. When she wanted to talk to my mum in private she'd tell us kids to "go and get some coal" but we never once fetched coal. We'd usually climb the tree for half an hour. My cousin fell out of it once and broke his arm. When we were caught listening, she'd roll her eyes and say "little pigs have big ears." If we were sulking, it would be "alter the face". If she were late, she'd just shrug and say "I didn't say which day."  

My brother used to see how long he could hold his hand above your head without you noticing. He would pinch us if we laughed and gave the game away. Once he managed to hold his hand above my head for an entire episode of Starsky and Hutch. That was a record in our street. After that, it became known as the Starsky and Hutch hand.
 
My Grandma sold the painting of Guercino to an auction house "to pay for my funeral, bound to be a big turn out" she'd say with a wink. She only got a couple of hundred pounds for it. The hands, according to the specialist, were painted by somebody else.