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By Raindog
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18 September 2005 |
catwalk flaunts- so heroin chic
with swollen knuckles and
shark grins- these unwomen
those unwomen-
hide damp needles (slightly soiled)
in dark places
they lie in silence
pricking the black-
an addict's sad collection
cold unwomen-
buried by furtive glances
they glow-
to warm their chill?
and the music moans
('tell her i'll be waiting
in the usual place')
brazen-bold unwomen
predators in heels
lipstick red take to bed-unwomen
pin with a look - fish on a hook
unwomen
and the music whimpers
('slave to love whoa
slave to love') |
Wow!
Written by dylangrrl (4 comments posted) 27th September 2005 | At first I thought that you were talking about the drag queen phenomenon; the fact that these 'woman' are not really women and despite their runway walk and style they are not what embodies woman. So I'm not quite sure when these are 'un-women' in your piece. Because they do drugs and model? Because they are dressed a certain way? Because of the huge contrast between them and the 'average' women? I'm not sure. I think there's a lot of powerful imagery here, it just seems a little tangled up.
The rhythm of this is perfect -- 'lipstick red take to bed' |
Written by Missinginaction (37 comments posted) 9th October 2005 | This is very, very good. In fact, it's one of the best on here and deserves more reviews than this. The pace is excellent, the imagery vivid the word choices considered. Maybe the song lyric quotes slightly overdo it, but then it depends on the reader. No, on second thoughts the fact that they show the progressive desperation of the night makes them work. Please post more! Thanks for the read.
- Missing | hmm...
Written by no1butClo (339 comments posted) 7th June 2007 | I like it. But I don't.
The imagery you use around drugs and modelling is great - it's brutal and sharp and I love it. But there are other bits that I'm not quite so sure of, and this kind of ties in with what dylangrrl said:
If these are 'un'women, what are women? "pin with a look - fish on a hook/unwomen" reminds of me a few girls I know from school! Not one for feminism, but I wonder what you're saying...
Poetry: amazing, fresh and rather good generally 
Message: 'tangled up'
keep working on it, it's good stuff!
clo
ps I like the song lyrics, those parts really work |
Written by andybyers (176 comments posted) 18th September 2007 | Yeah. This is cool. I love the concept. There's something compelling about the world that's spun here. An interesting place in the mind to visit, but no place I think I'd really like to be. But that's why we write, I think, at least in part.
This has all the mystery and unfulfilled import of a song by Gary Numan. I always thought he was a master of suggesting the intriguing without feeling he had to explain every single idea or reference. Pleasing to see something of the vein here. |
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