Bam. Slam thank you ma'am? Please critique. I'm excited about this one.
What war wages amongst
My own and my mind,
But this cosmic challenge
Nobody can see in x-y-and-z?
Try the pineal gland:
Lapis for your throat,
Lapis for the third wheel.
No need to gloat,
Fat Buddha, this spoke
Is just a blind insult,
Clashed and aimed to poke.
It’s fun and games to me;
Let me be and try to see
My friends Josh and Lucy.
Real names might they be
Or some elaborate decorum-
Laden overbearing tree?
A metaphor to tangle with:
Maybe some fellow
Offering a drip to strangle.
These colors are sounds:
Frequencies of thoughts aloud
To chain you up to your neck
In waters of a foreign frame
And make you so goddamn proud.
Fuck these tools.
Copyright the ringing in my ears.
Allies align to pull me apart.
It’s about you and me
And everything we see.
|
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 27th November 2007 |
Not a critique. Excuse my forwardness if you will. Critiqung is a two way process, one which you have not yet engaged in. Most members don't care who you review so long as you actually get involved. Your lack of engagement in the community may explain your lack of replies.
Phil |
Intention
Written by Matthiasrising (37 comments posted) 28th November 2007 |
I might have responded better had you personally messaged me. I feel this is not the place for such forwardness.
But thank you. I have been taking advantage of this opportunity.
Where is your latest work? Put some money where your lack of critique is and I shall repay you in kind. |
Written by stevetroster (1600 comments posted) 28th November 2007 |
I find that it’s so much nicer to keep things out in the open.
There are some members like Phil, who are quite happy to contribute to the community by offering valued critique, as well as occasionally contributing quality work to the forums. However, Phil was not asking you to review his work, but simply to join in by reviewing any of the contributions by your fellow members.
We have, in the past, been graced by a few ‘precious’ members who resort to tit for tat reviewing, whilst we’ve had (and still have) members who require massaging rather than messaging. I trust that you are not one of them.
If you want to review one of your fellow member’s pieces but are having trouble finding any, you can locate them by looking up their individual profiles.
Kiss and make up, then enjoy your time at GW.
|
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 28th November 2007 |
PMed re the above.
While it's not one of my favourite styles, the pulse of this worked well. Wasn't sure about playing with syntax to get the rhyme:
Real names might they be
but that could just be me.
I confess I had to look up pineal and lapis. I imagine not commonly known words. Nothing wrong with having to do a bit of work.
Liked the idea, although I'm sure I didn't 'get' all of it. Thought the end was stronger than the rest and rounded the whole well.
I wonder where you stand on reader accessibility? As I say, got the general themes, but there were parts I didn't follow. As the writer - is that okay or not? (Not pcking an argument over poetic style - just seeking to expand my poetic understanding.)
Phil |
Written by Matthiasrising (37 comments posted) 28th November 2007 |
I don't believe there was any conflict between us. It was good advice and I am following it.
On to the poem. I believe it's about states of mind described with loose and moderately insolent religious references. These states can be any range of opposing or supposedly opposing factions and ideals. This I intentionally left open. I also dabble in drug references as well- just to keep an open, maybe gaping, mind.
I tend to write using elements from music I enjoy, much of which is less than explicit as far as the writers' intentions are concerned.
Thanks again. I'll be back soon! |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
