Sitting down to write, as everyone who has ever tried it knows, can be quite terrifying.  The blank screen, the untouched keyboard, the quiet room...  Here I am realising that already I have overcome those potential obstacles, my fingers are flying, and I am actually making a start.

Before everyone loses patience and drifts off - it might help to understand a little background information, to put things in context and know why I am here:

As the name suggests, I am a first time mum.  I had a fairly standard upbringing, got my GCSE's, A Levels, went to University, graduated, wondered what to do.  I'm thinking now that perhaps I didn't wonder for long enough, because I believed I already knew what I wanted to do.  I wanted to be a clinical psychologist.  I studied for my psychology degree and asked those that knew, "What do I need to do to be a clinical psychologist?" and they told me to work, to gain experience.  At the age of 21 that was what I lacked.  I had just returned from a round-the-world trip and thought I was worldly wise.  I had ideas about going to live in Australia, and ideas about making pots of money and having a nice house, nice car and all the usual trappings.  But instead I set about getting experience.

I worked as a care assistant in a nursing home.  Awful work.  I'm sure there are many good nursing homes, but this particular one was the pits.  I was naive and untrained, shy and idealistic.  I wanted to chat to the residents.  I wanted to be kind and thoughtful, and to make their day.  However, this took time, and time was the one thing in short supply at that place.  Under-staffed and under-resourced, my 'chatting' meant that people weren't getting washed and dressed and ultimately fed on the production line.  I dispaired.  Just how, exactly, would this depressing experience, dealing daily with death and dying and up to my neck in... well, I'll leave that to your imagination, just how would this make me a great clinical psychologist?

I was earning £3.25 an hour, and had to pay for my own uniform.  Now, this is not supposed to be a sob story, so I'm not looking for sympathy.  Just stating the facts, so you know where I've come from.  Everyone has it hard. Everyone does work they don't enjoy from time to time (or all of the time).  I just found that particular type of work particularly difficult.  Perhaps it was my age - it just sort of crushed my enthusiasm and zest for life, and I was only twenty one!

Earning such a pittance I had to do other work to supplement my income - I worked in a bar (hated it) and as a support worker in a group home for adults with a learning disability (didn't like that much either).  Perhaps I should have seen the signs and realised I'm not a real 'people person'.  I worked and worked, and applied to do the course that would shape me into a clinical psychologist.  I went to the interview, and was placed on the reserve list.  Now, what does that mean?  Not bad enough to be turned down for a place, but not good enough to be offered a place outright.  With competition so fierce the chances of anyone dropping out were slim, so that was that.

Another year went by, and I worked and worked in a new community-based job for the NHS.  I felt I was getting somewhere as I was now working with psychologists, and was earning a little more money.  I applied again the following year, but didn't get on the course.  I felt dejected and depressed, and turned my back on that career.  I decided I didn't have the patience to wait and apply again.  Instead I turned to IT.

My head was turned by an advert in a graduate recruitment magazine with a fantastic looking company called AIT.  They offered everything I thought I wanted - a great place to work in Henley-on-Thames, a great set of young, like-minded colleagues, good pay, benefits... I applied for their graduate training scheme and very much enjoyed my jaunt down to Henley;  I didn't get in though.  I failed the programming aptitude test.

How to get around this setback?  I secured a place on a Masters course in computer programming at the local Uni, and dashed there from work every Tuesday night.  I improved my programming skills and applied for the following years' intake, and this time passed the programming aptitude test.  Phew.  Then I had to attend an assessment centre, a whole day spent doing presentations, group tasks, and interviews.  I was that bit older than their typical graduate and that seemed to hold me in good stead.  I was over the moon when I was offered a place, to start that September.

I handed in my notice, and relished telling my colleagues that I was off to pastures new to make a new career in IT.  The months ticked by, and I worked as a temp to make ends meet, then disaster struck in the Summer.  AIT hit the news because they had mislead the stock exchange about their financial position.  Millions were wiped off the value of the company, and the graduate scheme was promptly axed.  I was told they were sorry, but I wouldn't be joining them in September.

What to do now?  Not a clue.  September came and I was very sad.  My second career setback.  I then saw an advertisement in the local paper for a lecturing job at a fairly local college.  Could I do it?  I applied, and started lecturing in Psychology after half term in October.  I felt less like a lecturer and more like a work horse - shovelling masses of information into the open mouths of the waiting masses of A Level students.  I had hoped for thoughtful debate and enthusiastic questions.  I got lip, and attitude... and very, very tired.

I trudged on for another year and a bit, then decided I'd had my fill of that particular college.  I didn't see eye to eye with my manager.  Now reading this you might think it is me with the problem.  I might sound like a petulant, angry, easily dissilusioned idealist.  In actual fact I am patient, and quiet, and work away getting things done.  My manager was somewhat lazy, and asked me to do more and more.  He then appointed his wife to the department, and I felt I was definately getting the short straw.

So I left and secured a great new job with a great new college.  The staff were professional, and the students were reasonably hard-working.  The atmosphere was 'different'.  It wasn't a dream college, I don't think they exist, but coming from where I'd come from I thanked my lucky stars every day I came to work.

Now running alongside this tale I am meeting someone at last, getting married, buying a modest house, and deciding to start a family.  In March 2006 I found out I was pregnant - happy days!  The baby was due in November, time to plan and feather our nest.

I'll skip over the details of my daughters' arrival because it wasn't pretty, and it still upsets me to think about it, but now she is here my life is different in every way.  Although I had planned to return to work because 'we can't afford not to' as soon as I met my little girl I knew that priorities needed re-assessing, and that everything would be different. 

I applied to work part-time, deciding that one day a week would bring in  about enough money to ensure the bills got paid.  My husband could compress his hours so that he'd work a four day week, and he could look after our little girl on the fifth day.  Now if that had happened, all would probably still be well, albeit a bit tight financially speaking.

But they turned me down.  I appealed.  They turned down my appeal.  I put in a grievance.  They turned that down.  I'm now appealing that, and have lodged a claim with the Employment Tribunal.  You might wonder if it is worth it, but I don't really feel I have anything to lose.  I am waiting for this to be resolved, but in the meantime once again I find myself pondering alternative ways to supplement our income.

Thus far I have mentally set up my own cloth nappy business, been an NCT group leader and a breastfeeding counsellor, then just a straight counsellor, a freelance writer, a childminder...  I've just offered my services as something of a CV expert having spent time in temporary jobs dealing with recruitment.  I've offered to do 'CV consultation' work for free, but have had no takers for that thus far.  I keep coming back to the fact that I love writing but I realise I have a lot to learn, I don't know my market (what market?!), don't have anything in particular to write about (hence this article) and understand that even for the experts making money from writing can be tricky to say the least.

So here I am - First Time Mum - sitting in the cold, dark spare room on a gloomy afternoon in November.  This time last year my daughter was barely a week old.  Now I am as tenacious as ever about wanting to find the 'right thing' to do, but now my reasons are different.  I'm no longer bothered about the house, the car, the clothes, the trappings.  I'm no longer even bothered about the job itself.  I don't need a career as such.  I just need to be able to do something around my childcare commitments so that we can have food on the table, and so that I can be there while my little girl is little.  "Time is precious, they grow so quickly, make the most of it...." blah blah - I fully intend to.  Just not sure how exactly, but I'm used to ups and downs so I should be fairly well suited to the path ahead.

Now - how do I upload this?!!