She has smalled the world
to an orange.
Her words spin into my orbit;
I prod one with a sticky finger,
watch it spiral back into her mouth.
“Future”. She wants to pack me
into a supermarket
like a piece of fruit into a crate.
But I can’t spend my days
in regiments of oranges,
staring from the bottom of the box
at tantalising creases of light
obscured by planet-sized citrus fruits.
I pick at my orange
with guilt-moist fingers. “Career.
Progress”. She separates
the contents of my life
into crescent segments,
never sweet enough. Her fingernails prod
my explosed flesh, expecting better.
But I am just an orange.
I spit out sparks like a comet
but I can’t orbit her.
Her mouth exerts no gravity.
It is round as an orange,
but never quiet, nothing like
the friendly fruit
universal on my plate.
I coax back the skin
and I’m sure she’s wanting
to scalp me in the same way,
tear out my seeds
and grow something useful from them.
It is too simple for her to understand
that of all the stars I could be reaching for
I am reaching for an orange.
|
Written by Matthiasrising (32 comments posted) 28th November 2007 |
Wow this is dense.
Such powerful imagery. This is very tasty indeed.
"But I can’t spend my days
in regiments of oranges,
staring from the bottom of the box
at tantalising creases of light
obscured by planet-sized citrus fruits."
My favorite line. By far.
Sounds like you're striving to further your life, but are only further dissecting yourself. Could be wrong. Doesn't matter. |
Fantastic
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 28th November 2007 |
What a great poem. Its very odd but I wrote a poem this morning about an orange also, what are the chances of that but my one is shit so I won't be posting it.
The best thing about your poem is that it's about an orange and it's great to know other people write poems about fruit. The other thing I llove about your poem is everything about it. It is my favourite poem yet. I'm not entirely sure what it stands for but I hope it isn't to deep and merely that you're relating to being an orange but I have a feeling it's about being a dissapointment?
Not keen on the first line though x |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 28th November 2007 |
Am excellent and very thought provoking read, there'll be no crows picking at your fruit!
I will echo matthia's view on the bottom of the box segment, whilst I also enjoyed 'She separates the contents of my life into crescent segments, never sweet enough. Her fingernails prod my explosed flesh, expecting better.'
Very good indeed. The year's end crop improves.
All the best,
Steve.
|
Written by jillrabbit (57 comments posted) 28th November 2007 |
I really enjoyed reading this. It made me remember the difference between my mother and me.
During my teenage years we were totally at odds about where my life was going and where she wanted it to go. Your poem seems to evoke those feelings so well. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 28th November 2007 |
Thought this very good in delivery of emotion. You capture that friction between parent (I assume) and child very well. The parent chivvying, pushing, trying to shape and the (adult) child never quite able to say what they need to after years of programmed respect.
I too liked the lines selected in the first review, but the stand out line for me was:
But I am just an orange.
Simple but powerful. The piece kind of pivots around it. (I must get myself the right poetic vocabulary) It punctuates the flow and I could hear your voice deliver the line - plaintive, frustrated, lost even. Waxing lyrical now, but it is the beginning, middle and end of the piece.
Of all yours that I've read, my favourite. Loved it.
Phil |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 28th November 2007 |
Sorry: a nit-pick. 'Smalled' didn't quite work for me. I know what you're getting at, but arriving in the first line particularly, the invention kind of jumps out instead of being absorbed.
Phil. |
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 29th November 2007 |
| I keep coming back to this one, and see it differently today.I saw it as though written by an adult but today I see it through a young childs eyes.The child feeling void of ambition and the knowledge his controling mother is unaware of this frightens him? I'm prob off the mark but I still love it. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 29th November 2007 |
Wow, thanks everyone. Glad you liked it so much- I wasn't sure if it was just a bit strange and worthy of the bin. The idea is bascially that of the controlling parent and the reticent child, but it doesn't matter if that's not exactly what you got out of it.
Phil- thanks for pointing that out, I can see that it's maybe a bit early in the poem for one of my invented verbs. I could use "reduced" but I like the way that smalled points to the fact that she's making her child feel small. Or maybe I should just lose the first two lines altogether? |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 29th November 2007 |
See what you mean. See? This is why I shouldn't comment on poetry - having suggested something - I can't offer any sensible alternative. Reduced is easier on the ear, smalled means more. I don't know!
Phil |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 30th November 2007 |
Hehe don't worry Phil, picking out what's wrong with a piece is usually a lot harder than finding a solution. Such is the life of a poet- or my life, at any rate.
Pointing out what's wrong is really useful in itself, thank you  |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 4th December 2007 |
I liked this too GK. Felt in the middle like the orange metaphor was getting a bit overworked perhaps. The last 3 lines are really powerful, they capture the thrust of the piece perfectly for me.
Elli |
Written by Amelia (30 comments posted) 4th December 2007 |
This was a very dense piece; I had to read it a few times. Maybe it's just me (and I can't write poetry) but I think the orange metaphor skips around too much. You're using the orange for every point you make, rather than as one solid, clear (but still multifaceted) metaphor. However, I'm not the poet, so maybe all those different metaphors do parallel each other and I just can't see it.
On a more positive note, I loved the message of this piece. I'm going through those exact feelings right now (at 16, everyone's starting to get manic about college and putting all sorts of pressure on me) and yet I know this is deeper than just 'what will I do with my life?' I saw a challenge of the traditional concept of success.
I also loved the scene you set. Although most of the writing is abstract, there is still a constant reminder of the physical act of a mother and daughter, discussing the future while eating fruit. The way you turn scattered nouns and adjectives into a vivid scene is very impressive.
All in all, a beautiful poem. If it's lacking clarity, that could just be me and my prosey way of looking at things- you're a much better poet than I could hope to be. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 5th December 2007 |
You may be right that the metaphor is not focused enough. It was intended to be multifaceted, ie using the orange to make each point but each point being made on the same subject. However, I can see that I may not have quite pulled it off. I like to experiment with repetition, but it is a tricky medium. Also I wrote this in about 15 minutes, with a dodgy prompt as inspiration. So all in all, not well planned.
I'm glad you liked the message. I didn't realise before I read your comment but this piece does have a personal relevance for me as well, in that my main interests in life are writing poetry and learning rather than making big money or getting my work published.
Thanks for taking your time to comment on my piece Amelia, it's appreciated. |
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