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By HlzWlz
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28 November 2007 |
Hi, everyone, thanks for checking out my poem.
I've been writing tanka and haiku for a few years now and I feel ready to launch out with them.
I'm hoping you can forgive me for bending the strict rules of this form of poetry. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
Dusk, geese honks float on
Icy air as they fly
Over the mountains.
They fly to warm, balmy climes.
I must tighten my scarf.|
Written by rui (150 comments posted) 28th November 2007 | Three lines to five
bends the rules, twists the form
returns as balance requires | what does this mean
Written by wt (137 comments posted) 28th November 2007 |
bitter pungent hits hard
the tongue, lips smooth hard bitten
teeth in wonder at relevance
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Written by HlzWlz (3 comments posted) 29th November 2007 | Thank you for your comments. I take it it's a thumbs down.
Nvever mind, back to the drawing board.
Although, I feel I need to point out, Rui, that it's a tanka - 5, 7, 5, 7,7 - so it does fit the sequence. | difficult form!
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 29th November 2007 | These compressed forms are incredibly hard to do, but addictive. I usually do haiku myself and have not tried tanka. Being so compressed, you've really got to be Japanese about it and let the form do the work for you; you've lost a syllable in lines 2 and 5 so it isn't 5-7-5-7-7 but 5-6-5-7-6.
Do geese fly to balmy climes? I thought that was swallows. Our geese just like lots of sploshy mud, so maybe frost-free is all they want.
But you've got the idea of creating a scene and drawing out a single thought at the end. | Hi, Fellpony
Written by HlzWlz (3 comments posted) 29th November 2007 | I thiiiiink geese do fly south for the winter??????
Now I'm in doubt.
Lost syllable, oops. Although accent can play a part, too.
Anyway, thank you for your comments. Hx |
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