“You’re not going over there, to see him,” my mother said, practically screamed at me, with feverish anger of a kind I had not seen her display for a long time.

I opened my mouth to reply, but before I could even utter a sound, she managed to get her say before me, like it was some kind of speed of thought competition.

“How can you even think about doing this?” she said. “Don’t be stupid, you know that absolutely nothing good can come out of it.”

“I really don’t care what you think, mom. I’m going there to see him,” I said.

I was expecting this reaction from her.

“Jesus, Logan. Don’t do this. I’m telling you, you’ll be disappointed and I don’t want you coming here later and crying to me about what a bastard he is.”

“Fine, I won’t come here then. Besides, how do you know that I will be disappointed?

You don’t even know what I’m expecting to get out of this,” I said.

I was starting to get upset too, because I really wasn’t in the mood for this. I really didn’t want to make her upset, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t keep something like this away from her. Too bad she was acting like this, but this concerned her as well. She had to know, even if she didn’t want to.

“I know exactly what you’re expecting, Logan. You think it’s gonna be some kind of sweet reunion between father and son, but that’s simply not happening,” she said.

Sweet reunion? At least she could have spared me the movie clichés.

“Yeah, I guess you always know best, mom. Always know exactly what I’m thinking and never wasting any time in pointing it out to me, do you?”

“Don’t get smart with me, Logan. And don’t be all surprised either. Besides, why are you getting so upset about this? You know why I’m reacting the way I am. I’m only trying to keep you from doing something that’s gonna cause you harm,” she said.

“Mom, you don’t know for sure what it’s gonna cause. At all. You cannot be certain. And neither can I. That’s why I’m gonna take a shot at this, and go see him. I may get angry, or sad, I may cry or be happy afterwards. Hell mom, a lot of potential things can happen, but unless I really go through with this, none of us are really going to know for sure. That’s what I need to do to find out, and whatever will be, will be. I’m willing to take that chance.”

            My mother started to cry. She was still standing up, but she cupped her hands and put her face in them, trying to drown out the tears. I just stood there and looked at her, feeling guilty for losing my temper. A stream of sunlight beamed in through the nearly closed blinds and was shining just ahead of both of us, like it was creating some sort of distance between us, driving us farther away from each other.

The grains of dust in the sunshine looked like tiny snowflakes, thrown around by the wind. She started to say something again, but still had her face in her hands, making the words unintelligible at first.

“I can’t believe it,” she said.

“Can’t believe what?” I asked

“I can’t believe this is happening. I thought he was out of our lives forever. Out of your life.”

“I know mom, and that’s probably what you were hoping. But that’s not the case now,” I said.

All the time while we were arguing, I was trying to focus my gaze on her but I couldn’t.

My eyes kept diverting to the big glass cupboard where my mother kept a lot of her china. She liked to have a lot of stuff in the house. I could never understand why. Old, colorful ornaments that only took up space and gathered an annoying amount of dust at all times. The apartment was huge so, as would be imagined it was filled with junk like that. Especially candle lanterns. Actually, I remember liking those a long ago.

Big, small, with different colors and oddly shaped holes in them so that when a lit candle is placed inside one of them, it would create beautiful shadows on the walls. I used to love watching that as a child. It gave me a warm feeling inside. Now, I just didn’t care anymore. Mostly because I lived in my own apartment now, but also because the candle lanterns just lost their special charm after a few years. She still keeps them around the house. I don’t know how often she uses them anymore though.

I kept looking at the pictures. Old pictures. Pictures from when I was young.

We both looked happy then. I think we were as well, despite the fact that it was just the two of us. But the only thing I could think about, when I was looking at those old pictures of me and her was the only one I had of me and him. I kept it hidden in my apartment.

I didn’t want my mother to know that I had it. It was taken about 15 years ago. I was around six at the time, and we were on a beach somewhere in Florida.

He had shiny green eyes and was smiling that kind of smile that you know must hide something inherently bad about him. That’s probably why my mother fell for him.

I couldn’t think of any other reason, because everything else I could remember were the arguments. Incessant screams and doors slamming.

Not knowing why was always following me around and I hated guessing. She never wanted to tell me the reason.

And then he just left. No goodbyes and not a single letter or a lousy card since then. I don’t know why I kept that picture. It should have been thrown away a long time ago, but I guess I just liked looking at it and remembering something good.

            She had stopped crying now, and was blowing her nose in a tissue. With eyes still swollen and red, she looked at me.

“That’s not the case”, she whispered, repeating my words.

“How can you take this so lightly?” she asked.

“I’m not taking anything lightly, mom. I may even be scared, but that doesn’t change anything,” I said.

“Look Logan, I need some time alone to think this through. I really can’t discuss this anymore. I don’t want to sound mean, but could you please leave me alone for a few hours? I’ll give you a call later tonight, maybe.”

I was a little stunned by this. It felt like she couldn’t stand face to face with me and talk about this. It was almost as if she was hiding something from me.

“I want to talk about this now, mom. I mean, is there a reason for this? You, pushing me away like this?

“I’m not pushing you away, Logan. I just can’t deal with this now, it’s too much.”

“Whatever,” I said just as I turned around and headed towards the front door.

“If that’s what you want then I’ll leave you alone. You can call me later but I’m not promising that I’ll be at home.”

“Logan, please don’t be upset. We can still talk about this.”

By the time she finished the sentence, I was out the door and heading for my car.

Stepping out into darkness, it struck me how calm this neighborhood was. It was as if nobody lived there, and there were only houses, white, empty and soulless.

            My neighborhood was the exact opposite and my tiny, scruffy apartment was far from a young mans dream. I walked in and put some music on and laid down on the bed.

 Feelings of remorse arose in my head. My mother took care of me for so long and she didn’t deserve to have me just walk out on her like that. But I still couldn’t shake the feeling that she was hiding something from me. Or was I just being paranoid?

Doubts. Anxiety. Probably not the best preparation for undertaking something of this magnitude.

I was so tired at that point. As I started falling into a deep slumber, I heard a knock on my door. It took me a while too register. It wasn’t until the second time that I actually said, “Come in.”

            My girlfriend Charlotte walked in. I must’ve looked like a mess because her smile turned into a worried look as soon as she laid eyes on me. She started walking towards me, navigating herself with consummate ease through all the mess on the floor.

It was almost as if she didn’t even have to look at it, as if she had all the placements imprinted in her mind.

Old books were splattered everywhere. I wondered how big a fine I would have to pay to the city library for not returning all of them on time.

“I see you still haven’t cleaned this mess up,” she said. “Afraid you might not find anything if you actually put it where it’s supposed to be?”

“Not really,” I said. “I just couldn’t be bothered with it.”

She shook her head and smiled at me.  Then she sat down on the bed next to me and kissed me.

“How are you feeling baby?” she asked.

“Tired,” I said.  “I got back about half an hour ago, feeling exhausted.”

“I’m sorry if I woke you up,” she said, looking worried. “I just wanted to see you for a while, and wish you luck.”

“It’s fine sweetie, I don’t mind. It feels good that you’re here.”

It really did. Whenever she was around, it made me feel a lot better. We could talk about anything and that was probably exactly what I needed at that point.

“How did it go today?” she asked.

“Not too good, Charlotte. I’d say that on the grand scale of things, it was pretty damn disastrous. Screaming, crying and then she got all quiet and asked me to leave. I swear, that woman has more mood swings than a cocaine fiend.”

“I’m sorry about that honey. I know you weren’t really looking forward to that. And I guess you had every reason not to. I guess you better give her a call before you leave tomorrow.”

“I’m not giving her a call.”

“Come on Logan. Don’t be like that. Don’t leave with all this animosity between you,” she said. “This is hard on her to.”

“She might be sad because she feels that everything she did for you throughout the years is not enough,” she said.

“Don’t be silly,” I said, with a shrug. “She knows well enough that I appreciate it. And I understand her reaction, but I guess that deep down inside I was having some kind of expectation that she would understand me too.”

Charlotte took of her shoes and laid down next to me. Her head was resting on her right arm. She was stroking my hair and looking me in the eyes and at that moment all I wanted was to stay there with her. I was sweating but my palms and my feet were still cold as snow. I was so nervous, and probably not at all ready for meeting him, but it had to be done.

“I just…..I…”

“You need closure,” she said.

“Exactly. I’m not going there to give him a hug as soon as he opens that door and to tell him how much he means to me. Every time I look at you I get reminded of why, because I could never leave somebody I love like he did. I want to ask him why, and that’s it.”

“I understand,” she said.

We fell asleep short after. She was still sleeping when I woke up around 9 o’clock in the morning. I tried to be as quiet as possible while getting ready.

Half an hour later, on the road, the snow was hitting the windshield of my car, melting as soon as it struck. Strangely enough, I wasn’t feeling nervous anymore. It was confusing because I had spent the last week nearly trembling at the thought of this.

It seemed as if the long process of rationalization finally cleared away the fear.

Then it hit me. Driving in solitude, with the monotonous sound of the car and the warmth inside, I realized that I actually didn’t give a damn anymore.

Maybe I was just fooling myself by thinking that I needed this.

I remember asking myself before whether mom was hiding something.

That concern had faded away, just as quickly as it appeared.

It simply didn’t matter anymore.

I still had questions but I needed no answers.  I thought of Charlotte and life with her.

I thought of my mother, still feeling bad for upsetting her.

In the end, I just turned the car around and drove back home.